The spinster

This is my dog. Her name is Vanilla. I've had her for six months and she is eight months old. She is a beagle/hound mix. She might look like a lab, but I can assure you that the rest of her litter comes in all different colors and patterns and her mom did not have any lab features. She is a rescue and just like I rescued her, she has rescued me time and time again. She is the love of my life.

I've been pretty obsessive about my dog lately, seeing it as a sort of child. A friend even referred to me as a spinster, a type of woman passed her time to marry (or something along those lines).

In all honestly, it doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

Thinking about relationships, thinking about marriage, thinking about children - I can see why guys freak out about those types of things.

That shit is scary.

I was talking to a friend and she was mentioning that in less than a decade she was going to be thirty. It's scary to think in that time frame and in that perspective. My friend and I both are committed with our educational and career pursuits and having to sacrifice that with commitment to a man and let alone a child is a shocking ideal.

I don't want babies. I don't want a husband. I don't want to deal with that shit right now. Why was I so obsessed with it when I was younger?

It could be that I'm at a point in my life where I don't want commitment. It could be because I've sort have secluded myself due to all the down falls of this semester. But luckily, I'm taking those in stride. I just want everyone to look at me and be like "DAMN." I'll pompously admit that many are already like that, but I want those who hurt me to be regretful of what they lost.

And in conversation my mother and I laugh at those who have left and acknowledge that those who have left seriously will not find an individual like me. But at the same time, she worries about my spinster mentality and my borderline obsession with my pup.

I'm just trying to get my shit together in all honesty.

Since I've had the dog, I've been going running. I started finishing 2 miles. Then two became three. Then three to four. Then I managed to make the jump from four to six. Six miles - Without stopping.

That's 10k.

That's a half of a half marathon.

That's a quarter of an actual marathon.

I don't think you understand how awesome this is for me. I used to hate running when I was younger. But now I AM RUNNING SIX MILES WITHOUT STOPPING.

Granted, these six miles are at a slow pace, but I have plans to increase the speed. That's the plan for at least the first 5k. My friends signed me up for a 5k run and I don't want to end up trailing behind all of the experienced folk.

We'll see how that works out.

But as a result of running I've been toning up. In regard to weight loss, I've only been able to lose ten pounds. But I feel that my body is getting tighter, fitter, stronger.

I feel and look pretty epic in that regard.

I met up with a friend of mine the other day and she was in awe with how fit I looked since she last saw me. She had asked me how much weight I had lost. Sadly none, but the appearance of having lost weight is good enough for me.

Though shopping with my mother does frustrate me a little - she always picks out sizes that are too big that I used to fit into - almost deliberately denying that my physique has chanced, but what can you do. Some mothers will be the first to insult and the last to complement.

Speaking of mothers, and just family in general, mine is always in chaos.
Soon to be a technical independent, I've lived my college years practically on my own. The money given from me to my parents is essentially the money to help me out. I'm away from home and doing my own educational pursuits as opposed to other members in the family and have had a job since the age of 16...
I could go on.
I've been at home for winter break and it's been okay...

There are many issues that I have trouble dealing with at home

1. If you are investing so much money on keeping this house, why do you not maintain it? This place is disgustingly filthy.

2. Everyone in my family is so limited, mentally and in all other aspects, it's so frustrating to deal with.

3. My mom's women logic has eaten away at her actual logic and any discussion or argument based off pure emotion.

There was an altercation earlier this afternoon. I had to pry and get my two cents in about the argument she was having with my father and of course my moronic tendency to advise people what to do even though it's none of my damn business. She started getting upset. Started to defend herself. I told her fine, I just wanted to drop it because I knew that it was her tendency to bring in something unrelated and have it put the blame on me.

Which is exactly what happened.

But what can you do?

Except escape as soon as possible and hide away in my room to avoid them.

All I can think about at home is school, law school.

Applying and getting the recommendation are pretty easy, but I just have't had that inspiring moment I must document on my personal statement and demonstrate how I've grown from it. I have a million ideas, but none of them seem to be inspiring enough nor hold enough merit on their own to show my capacity to commit to the stress of a legal environment and such.

We'll just have to see.

...

This blog wouldn't be a blog if I didn't post something about boys.

I've been thinking a lot about guys lately. But it could be because I haven't had my fill of guy attention in a while. I am pretty tired of the whole seeking guy attention in club settings - but it is almost like a drug. It can also be because I'm not currently in school that makes me pine for the warmth of a strong arms wrapped around me.

I signed up for the online dating site again. It seems to be even bleaker with individuals than the last time I was on it. It could be because I am trying to appeal to an older crowd. Regardless, what was I thinking that that site would be any good for me?

It doesn't help that I'm pretty scared to actually reply to any of these individuals. Some of them seem really nice, but like in real life I don't want to lead anyone on and then have them see that the favors that they do for me give them incentive to pressure them to do things for me.

I need to stop relying on guys.

I have a tendency to be dependent on my guy friends.

It's just difficult, I'm in the college town without a vehicle and they have one...so why not help me out.

Ugh.

The whole plan is to wait until I break out of the current school I am in, go to law school and then find someone there. Hopefully settling down when I have a job and my having my own mode of transportation if needed.

I just want someone older. I'm not sure when this trend came about. I think it was the grad/law school guy that made me realize the caliber of guys I was potentially interested tended to be immature and I correlated their age (which was usually a month or two younger than mine) and assumed causation (logical flaw, but I have yet to see other factors involved that relate to the maturity level).

I have also been eyeing the older individual. Those men in business suits and sharp feature have been driving me up the wall.

There was even one individual in his 30s who was eyeing me when all of the girls went out. It was great - his attention was on me. He even managed to narrow me down - along with grabbing me and pulling him and holding me close to him.

I am such an attention whore.

And that's what he said.

Obviously not verbatim - but he said I was the kind of girl to play tricks and to lead guys along for the attention, but when it comes down to it, I don't put out.

I can't help it - sex without monogamy means nothing to me. I've learned from experience. I'll do everything but. I don't want to have a vulnerable emotional experience with a random stranger and then have them push me aside to have a drink. I am so much better than that.

Boys...what can you do..

My roommate is a bust, btw. I went for it again. We had a few drinks one night and I some how wound up in his room just hanging out. I forced him to cuddle me and forced him to kiss me. He stopped me.

I told him I liked him more than physically - bad idea. Drunken idea. Half truth.

LISTEN PEOPLE - I CAN'T HELP IT IF HE PROWLS THE AREA HALF NAKED WITH A SPECTACULAR BODY.

Either way - he sealed the deal for it not to happen again. He even goes to his room after drinking. Ugh. He's a lot for what I want in a guy, just emotionally unavailable.

The Slav - I'll never see him again. The last time we encountered he was pretty jubilant and flirty. We even exchanged numbers and everything. It was the night I had taken my LSAT and I had gone out for a few drinks; texted him like he told me too. He didn't reply until after last call. As if I don't know what he wanted.

And this wasn't the first time a foreigner tried to get with me in such a manner. He would probably be the fourth.

Two Aussies, a South African and now a Slav. The foreigners- they love me. I'm just not into the hit and quit tendencies of theirs.

Which is a shame - he was so fit and quirky and enjoyed politics...and was older. Noms.

Oh well.

In spite of everything and all the horrid blogs I've posted regarding the ex, we now have a solid friendship. We discussed our rights and wrongs and realized that we are two different people and in all honesty should have never been as long as we were in our relationship. But I don't think I could have been happier with our predicament. We are pretty good friends and I honestly don't want anything from him. Yes - I still think he is the lowest point in my dating history, but he's a good guy meant for someone else.

Who I do miss is the grad/law school individual. Just thinking about it, it is a shame that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I wouldn't have minded seeing him a few times every now and then, but the lack of communication killed everything.

I want to send him a message for coffee, but at the same time I fear his rejection, I mean I essentially dumped the guy twice.

Along with the rejection, I don't want to deal with the possibility that he might have found someone else.

But knowing me, I know I'll end up sending him a message asking him out to coffee or something.

Wish me luck on that pointless endeavor.

I just wish I didn't like HIM so much. The only reason why I know I like him is because after four years, I never really got him out of my head.

Damn him.

I'll try to keep the very few who read this updated. Until then.

For your enjoyment.

Saturday night

I just want to go out and dance.

But I know my obligation as a student should be to study, because I took Thursday and Friday as my days off.

I'm thinking about calling my friend I went with on Thursday...but I don't want him to think too much into it.

I just want a low key night to watch a movie, that's it.

For your enjoyment.

Worst Hangover Ever

That song just keeps popping up in my head.

Because I feel like death.

Let me start from the beginning.

A friend had offered me a hypothetical night get away. Seeing as class was not going to occur the next day I took it upon myself to go over and proclaim the spontaneous trip and arrange to see his hometown and how it varied from this place.

After his friend informed us that arrangements to his couch would not be available, my friend called up his parents and after a few moments of lecturing, they agreed to have us there to stay the night.

Two hours in the car we were talking. Politics, bureaucratic issues, life, relationships, family, tolerance - meaningful topics.

His parents lived about half an hour away from the city. Their house was beautiful. It was in a country part of the county and the leaves, the colors, being surrounded by nothing but nature - I was in awe.

We talked to his parents. Then we got ready for a night on the town.

We got in for free.

We got drinks for free

and that was the problem.

I am a light weight and am so prone to peer pressure under these conditions.

The night started out fun.

I was getting progressively drunker.

I made out with my friend

I groped his friend

Then I was shit faced.

Then I had to throw up.

And I did.
It was gross.

He took care of me.

I ended up in bed with him.

We cuddled.

It was nice.

One because it was cold, two because I love being held.

At some point in the night I returned to the other room, but woke up and was freezing- I came back.

We rode home. making fun of each other. The entire time he would jokingly empathize 'Do you want a hug' and would try to advance, but in all honesty I didn't want one.

I don't want anything serious with him. The fact that I hang out with guys all the time is making me ill. I need more chic friends, but they always have some sort of constraints going on.

He's been contacting me a lot lately. I don't know. I just want a friend. I just want to be friends with him. We've had a skewed past, but thought I got over it. My over confident ways are appealing to him and maybe I should tone it down.

Either way I felt like I was dying. I'm so sick of alcohol. There was a party that I was planning on going to, but I think I just might stop by and say hi. I can't afford another night of drinking and then trying to recover.

I need to get my school shit in order.

For your enjoyment

Manic Cynocism

Currently in class and I could not be any less interested in the topic.
Something about staring at graphs and how people think is not really the most interesting.
Then again, what do I expect from a class called "Political Behavior"

Regardless, I feel like my life has been a manic depressive mess. But it's more like a week to week trend then it is day to day or for that matter hour by hour...

The ex now has another ex to add to his belt. I don't think I could be happier about that.
My friend had told me about the expiration of his relationship and I could not have been more jovial about the notification. I feel pretty sick and sadistic about feeling so good about the prospect, but I felt offended that he jumped into a relationship. I would often lurk on his facebook and see the word "love" exchanged with both of them and was not too particularly fond.

I was furious - only because it had not even been a legitimate amount of time and they were being so cutesy.
I didn't care that it wasn't me. No, I passed that point the week after the boy broke up with me and went on a drunken spree making out with boys in da club (yes, DA).
But I'm just glad that it was a rebound.
Overjoyed, actually.
More than anything, I was upset because he had found someone before I did.

But now, I just hope he's kicking himself and missing me.

Especially with my now fitter bod. Huzzah.

...

Yesterday I went rock climbing, speaking of being fit.
I am inspired to continue this trend and talked to everyone
Even my guy roommate.

Our dynamic recently has been weird. I should take it as face value, but I can't help but realize that we're flirting EVEN MORE now. Smiling at each other. Just being even friendlier.

He took me to a softball game and the entire time we were flirting around.
It's driving me crazy.
I didn't think I could want him more.
In all honesty, it is a love hate situation.
I'm loving the attention the flirting.
I know how much I expressed flirting.
Ugh, when he smiles. I melt.
I love it
I hate it.

So, I talked to him about rock climbing and how excited I was about the notion. He seemed to reciprocate the enthusiasm and said we should go, frequently.
Which is amazing on many levels.
1. It allows amazing bonding, flirting, sexual tension time
2. Awesome work out at the same time
3. FINALLY SOMEONE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ACTIVE WITH ME

We'll see how that goes. If it goes.

I hope it does.

My friend says my only chance is to get him drunk again.
Though true, I'm not sure he'll fall for that again.
Even though it was never my intention to get him drunk and have a fondle fest

but I know I should be worrying about other things

....

School is something I need to take more as a priority.
I've been trying, but now that I'm single and ready to mingle, if you will, most of my time has been spent socializing.
Not that it's a bad thing, but I have to get on the ball with my graduate aps and the ever deciding exam.

I'm trying, but we'll see how it works out.
Sigh, I'll be sure to keep you updated.

For your enjoyment.

Must have been the alcohol

The Slav situation never panned out.
We had lunch again and I was introduced to more individuals, but I think my fantasy optimism got the best of me and I got carried away with the notion that I can have anyone.
The fact that this Thursday happened really shows how amazing I look.

I know I know, the last thing anyone wants to read about (not that I have many followers) is about self gloating and substantial amounts of a conceited nature from this individual, but I think it's about time for some confidence in this blog.

Though it fails that my confidence is somewhat reliant on the ability to track men. I guess it's my lack of a father figure with the combination of being overweight my entire childhood facilitates my need for "manly" (ha) attention... But I regress

Thursday in the afternoon I asked my guy roommate to hang out later that night. I didn't want to go out and honestly just wanted to watch a movie with him. He seemed content on accompanying me later on in the evening.
So after dog sitting for my friend and upon his completion of a school assignment we had gone out and rented a movie.
I had had a few ciders before, figuring that since there was no school on Friday due to homecoming, drinking was welcome, I even encouraged him to go obtain some alcohol for himself.

The ride there I we were talking, as we often did regarding what we want in our lives. It has been a while since I've reached out and done the whole self-deprecation spiel. But I was in a bad spot. It has not been a successful year guy wise. But then again, do I really want to commit to something that might change in less than a year?
I mentioned to him something about how men aren't interested in a gal like me. That guys just want the blonde, tall, skinny, air head with big breasts and not the curvy, short, brunette with olive skin. He told me that I shouldn't sell myself short.

Upon arriving back to the house, we drank and talked. Talked for hours. Talked through the movie (which I watched today in a sober state).
I was giggling. Delighted with life and just jubilant. It was a nice state of mind. I kept sitting closer and closer. I kept talking to him and would slightly touch his leg. He leaned in. I leaned in. I put my head on his shoulder.

In a slight moment of clarity I asked if he was okay. The last thing I want is to be pushing my boundaries with someone who is just going with the motions.
He said it was alright. It was nice to have someone rest their head on his shoulder. It had been a while, according to him.

The movie ended, I of course, confused since I had not watched any of it. We got up and I'm not sure what led to it, but he had said (his exact words) : "The things I would do to you if you were not my roommate"

I don't think I've heard something scream TOUCH ME as loud as that.
I went in for the kill, of course, I was the one that ended up hurt in the end - but in the make out session he wanted more.

So we explored the nature of anatomy.

He would not stop complementing me.
I don't think I've ever been so flattered in my life.
He was telling me whatever I was doing was working
Just the very nature of my body seemed incredibly attractive for him.

More than anything, it's nice to get positive feedback. I know it's vain, but after the break up I've been trying to work on my physique. I've been running, biking and swimming and it's nice to know that the triathlete approves.

He wanted me to deflower him.
If I didn't already mention, the boy was is a virgin.

As much as I played around with the notion of others to take advantage of him, I knew that someone like him, a definite sentimental hopeless romantic, was not looking for an easy lay. His other head was talking and it would just complicate things.

It was fun. But I guess the realization of his actions hit him hard.
He told me that his background, the baggage that he drags with him, about how his conservative upbringing and religious past linger in the back of his mind and he feels guilt.

There are various ways I feel about this notion.
Confused, because sadly enough I don't have the ability to empathize. Not to sound like a cold bitch, but my scrupulous nature isn't ascribed to a religious sense (not that it's a bad thing...nor am I condemning or condoning, I just am apathetically respectful, I guess you can say).
Also perplexed because why live a life of regret? Things happen, accept. Move on and base your next decisions of your previous ones.
Upset, it was something that I thought I wanted. Something consistent with a good guy with minimal feelings. He was the one even advocating it and was telling me, "this is not going to be anything serious." Which, in our exchanges, he knew it was something I could relate with. "It will be consistent, with not much to it, like you wanted." he claimed.

Things have lightened up and both of us are acting like it never happened. My mind still goes back to it. Touching the outline of his body and grabbing onto his soft hair. Kissing his soft lips (and remembering him exclaiming, "you are an amazing kisser!"...I am always a fan of that remark)

In the back of my mind, I'm pretty upset.
I really liked him, aside from all of the sexual tension, I liked him. He was a sweet, nice boy.
But we really are not compatible.
The dead give away is his mama's boy tendency.
I learned from the last ex to stay away from people like that.

In all honesty, I don't want anything serious until I can establish my own financial ability so that way I don't hold resentment or expectation of them to provide for me. I want my own access to transportation so that way I don't have to rely on them and end up like the last relationship I was in, stuck together for reasons other than love or what have you.

I went out the next night with some semi attractive friends and flirted with them.
It seemed to help.

I just need a way out of this environment. Here's hoping things end up for the better.

For your enjoyment.

Damn those foreigners

Not that I care if they take 'our jobs,' because I don't
Actually, this has nothing to do with the influx of minorities within the U.S. and the assumed consequences that follow as a result of having immigrants within the country.

This is more about how

I

Fall

Hard

for an exchange student.
Always.

Or so the trend has been.

My latest encounter and my version of God sending me a friggin bone (at least for eye candy) was today during lunch. I encountered a friend and announced the excitement that was finishing the first draft of my personal statement. I had some time to kill so I decided to sit.
Some random individual in the group invited some guy to come over and sit.

His face was punch in the gut attractive.
His body was slap in the face fit.
His eyes were pull my hair out big and blue.

One of my flaws, I'm pretty obvious when I'm attracted to an individual. It's pretty easy to pick up on it.
Another one of my flaws, I believe that I deserve that amazingly attractive model looking man.
I've been spoiled with the few that have shown attraction to me. Now, whether it's my confidence or I am legitimately attractive (or an amazing combination of both) I'll never know.

The only men I've been managing to get are those in bars or in some inebriated state, which is fun, but FLIRTING.
Oh man, flirting is just a thrilling experience.
I know pheromones are involved, but how about endorphins?

We talked in the circle. He was Slavik. He seemed interested.

The problem was some other man was trying to get my attention.
The problem was some other girl was trying to get his attention.

I wasn't going to fight. Not there. Not then.
If I'm wanted, they'll go for it. I'm done with deal with bitch men.
After the boyfriend, after the fling, after the party failure - no more chasing on my part.

The girl left momentarily and we began to chat again. He was interested.
I asked his name.
He mentioned it and gave me a European kiss on each cheek greeting.
I'm sure I was blushing.

Some oaf did the same thing to me after the Slav had done it.
My blushing face went from red to wan in an instant.
He wasn't slick. Poor guy, I just wasn't interested in him.

The girl returned and I decided it was my cue to leave.
Luckily he frequents the lunch area as much as I do.

We'll see what happens. But for now, he'll remain an unfulfilled daydream just like everyone else.

For your enjoyment.

And so the single life begins

Since the break up, I was mingling around with an old fling.

I was having fun. I mean, a lot of fun. But the guy is in Grad school...and law school...and has a job. So his priorities are school (x2), work, homework, being fit and such.

To a certain degree I can relate. I was not going to gie him a lot of crap about not being able to follow me down or giving me the time of day. But I tired of chasing him down and having it seem one-sided.

I'm not one for chasing. Just teasing, as I'm sure I emphasized.

So I broke off the only good thing I had going, not that it was really all the good (the situation, everything else was pretty sweet.)

I had another expectation that many had driven into my head. It was just some shmuck who I made out with at a party. It was a while ago, but it was pretty intense.

The boy has had a lot of family issues go on, so I was not going to give him guff about not keeping up with chasing me down.

We encountered again at his birthday/going away/ halloween party.
We got to talk. Then again met up as we went to the bathroom. We gave each other a good look at each other...sort of walked passed each other and then I pulled him into the bathroom.
He told me to meet up with him in his room.
I did.

Things escalated. He wanted to go in for the home run. I told him after the party was over.
We met up throughout the party and made out a few times

I thought I had a sure thing.
This would be my first attempt at a mutual one night stand, no strings attached type of deal.
Just to see if I could handle it.

He and some girl disappeared as the party was ending. I walked inside (since the party was outside) and there, two bodies stumbling around each other.

He closed the door.

I didn't know what to do. I was infuriated. Not that I had him in my hands. Not that he was my boyfriend. But I was sure as hell not going to be anyone's sloppy seconds.

I walked in.
I went up to his face as his mouth was still attached to some subpar wench
I exclaimed, "fuck your shit."
I left the party.

I'm still bummed out about the entire process. But in all honesty, I'm glad it nothing happened.

I've never been the type to sleep around.
I guess this mental induction's was fate telling me not to stray from my ways.
A constant reminder to focus on school and not getting laid.

I cannot be more grateful for his mistake.
But at the same time, I cannot be more bummed out that this pattern of singledom is a constant failure and my beauty is just a waste of matter.

I just want to be appreciated, but I'm in the wrong environment asking from the wrong people who don't even understand half of the things I do and cannot empathize with half of the things I've been through.

I know I'm just asking for too much.

My latest obsession is my roommate, a guy, just to clarify.
He's sweet.
Fit.
Caring.

But a virgin.
Which wouldn't be such a bummer if he knew how to convey emotion.
But I should take the fact that he's not attempting anything with me as a sign that it's not going to work out, nor should I keep in mind that it will.

But not knowing for certain keeps me day dreaming.
Something I wish my mind would stray away from since it can only create unrealistic expectations and heartache from the denial of those expectations.

For your enjoyment.

Recovery

I'm passed the point of scorning his existence and now I just want the sick satisfaction I have with all men and want him to want me.

The problem is he has a girlfriend.

So he's obviously not interested in me.
I feel petty for feeling like this.

It's just a matter of talking it out, writing it out, to calm me down.

I mean, why should this affect me in anyway.

I don't want him. I don't want to be with him. He is the reason why for many of the events that led to my initial down fall before the plunge of mortality shook my foundation. He is the reason why I never bothered to go out with people.

That is not healthy.
So why do I feel so spiteful if I don't care about him in that manner?

I just want to show him I'm better off without him and have him be a little perturbed about that reality.

I just want to succeed beyond everyone's expectation.
But I'm so impatient and so burnt out, all I am now is frustrated with life.

Which in turn is making me want to go out and dance and get the attention of everyone. Have everyone in the palm of my hands.

That's it.

But for now, I need to focus and realize that there are better things out there. It's just hard every now and then to see that.

For your enjoyment

New Beginning

So he broke up with me.
Through text message, but that's not surprising. He was after all a bit of a...well...bitch.

It hurt so much. All I wanted was him to come back to me, but I knew he wasn't going to.

I ached. I pained. I cried. I moaned.
I spiraled out of control, again.
I called for help.

Someone, finally objective enough told me: Don't spend your time crying over him if you know he is not hurting as well.

And it was true.

Things slowly began to look up. And I seemed to have this evolution of sorts.
I was

HAPPY.

This strange emotion seemed to fill in the void of depression. Of course the pain of my attachment would recur in random fragments of the day, but overall I was happy. I was social. I was motivated to show the world a new, improved, better ME.

Sometimes I would feel sudden stabs, as I've mentioned before, but I got up even more determined to get on with life.

This mama's boy tard was not going to break me.

I went out. Clubbed. Partied. SOCIALIZED, oh my, have I missed the company of friends willing to GO OUT of their homes and DO SOMETHING.

I started watching what I eat...mainly through Krishna lunch, which is a semi-religious organization that serves vegetarian/vegan food. But hey, it's a start.
I started working out almost every day.
So far I've lost five lbs, but my legs and arms look amazing and my stomach is slowly following.

I'm happy. I'm even sort of kind of dating this grad/law student.
Better than anyone who is going to be an air traffic controller.

Things are looking up. I just need to better manage my time.

I'm stuck again

Things have been better. I've felt better. No need to Baker act me people, I'm too much of a coward/rational person to pursue anything that would purposely harm me.

I've been thinking about commemorating my friend's death. Her roommate/practical sister as tatted herself up. I'm not sure if I would be capable of doing so. There are so many repercussions...I wish sometimes I was as impulsive.

The boy situation is...who knows.

I feel pretty okay about it at the moment, but his mom reminds me too much of... me.
Which is kind of creepy.
I'm not sure I want to deal with his family. I'll mainly be shut away in his room with nothing to say and have no option of anything. I thought at first it would be nice to spend some time with him, but now I'm looking into just renting a car. He obviously doesn't want me around otherwise he would have thought of it and he's hardly putting forth effort in being with me.

I just want to go home. I want to be with my horrible chaotic family and want to die there instead of wanting to have a heart attack in a household that has no idea how much I resent them.

The mom is sweet, but I wonder if she even likes me. I mean she seems to... but I still feel like some resentment is there.

I sort of just want to call the whole thing off and not deal with men anymore.
Not have to deal with long distance relationships, as I always get sucked into them. Ugh.



I got back and forth on the thought of just breaking it off and starting fresh(ish).
I think it will be easier when I'm in Chicago. I'll be surprised if the relationship lasts that long.
Let alone if I'll time for a relationship.
Who knows.

At this point I just want to go back to sleep and not let my mind drift into thoughts that will plague me.

For your enjoyment.

why I want to break up with him

i wasn't feeling very much appreciated

he 'tried to teach me a lesson'

by leaving me at my house by myself

he knew that I was feeling shitty, didn't even bother to call

went out and got drunk with a friend instead

he says he contributes by getting toiletries and food

but meanwhile, i'm taking showers at the gym so I can have a reduced water bill

and allowing him to use my place for him to shower

he doesn't take the initiative to do things either

i have to tell him

over and over

and when I hve a problem with him

he'll try to be coscience of it

but eventually he'll forget

he isn't clear on how he wants me to express myself when i'm upset

we never do anything

he doesn't even try

and if we do, it's at my urging him to do something

i mean, i was pretty devostated when he went out last night. not that he shouldn't. fuck he needs friends. but the fact that I can't and he doesn't try to think of alternatives or even cares to figure something out with me.

I don't know. I just think I was better off single

i think he's better off without me

i even told him it was over

and he was like 'okay'

for your enjoyment

I wish I was dead

Finally a moment where I can write how I'm feeling when I feel like this.

I honestly wish I was dead.
I don't see a point to life.
I'm fat, unable to maintain school, work and a relationship.
I'm a failure of a human being.
I hate myself and I'm just a waste of carbon.

Who can help me feel better when the only one I love doesn't even understand.

I don't even know where to even begin.

For your enjoyment

Is apparently taking care of a man child

So I've been living with my boyfriend for the past....well since we started going out it's been a gradual transition of him living with me. It was spring semester that I pretty much had told everyone that we live together. In practice we do, not that I'm all excited about the notion, but just comfortable with having someone around. It's like having a anthropomorphic puppy.

Somethings just get on my nerves.

God knows I don't come from the best of up bringing and my family seriously just barely manages to hold onto their middle class standing (due to their irresponsible financial tendencies), but I've always had a way to manage myself and have some ability to maneuver through life by myself.

In getting this apartment, I've managed to find ways to pay for this amazing stink hole. It's too bad that my self-entitled boyfriend doesn't understand what the crap I'm going through.

For example, I only have 12 dollars in my pocket. I have seven in my bank account. I need toilet paper, toothpaste and facewashing products. I ask him to get some toilet paper that he seldom use while he is in his other house (which at this point is his man-cave since he spends most of his time in my apartment) and he is hesitant on the matter.

Granted, I'm not saying he doesn't do anything for me. Being without car, he has no problem taking me places when he can. He also buys chicken for most of our at home dinners. But that's about the limit to what he does.

Frankly, I am getting fed up with it. Not so much the realization that he is a bafoon with ridiculous and gender-role limitation, but just the fact that he thinks he's entitled to the things I do for him.

I don't know where the fuck he got that mentality, but I cannot be both the man and the woman of the house. That's the role my mother plays at home with my brothers and that's not at all going to well for her.
I think the part that upsets me the most is the fact that I have constant reminders of what my mom must feel. I thought those sentiments of empathy were to only arrive when I have children. But I guess it just turns out that someone else has birthed this man-child and the gods of have deemed it necessary that I take care of his oafish self.

Maybe I'm being too harsh?

I certainly don't feel that way. Especially since I've told him how I feel and he has yet to do anything to change it.

I honestly think that it wouldn't be such an ordeal if he DID live with me. I went over it briefly, but why I am so frustrated and encumbered is because he has his own place. His roommates are not what he wanted, but he should have made that decision before signing with them.

My boyfriend sleeps at my place, uses my kitchen to cook (granted, it is usually meals for both of us), uses my bathroom (both toilet and shower), uses my electricity for his laptop and charging his phone, uses my fan in my room to regulate his ridiculously fucked up body temperature, sleeps in my bed.

And see, I wouldn't care so much if there was some sort of reciprocation on his part that was at least an attempt. We've tried verbally saying thanks this and thanks that to show that we aren't taking advantage, but It is not cutting it for me.

Last weekend I was cleaning my apartment, it had been the first time in months because I finally managed to get a weekend off. Every weekend prior I had been working and had 12 hours of class a week. I was cleaning all linens and clothing. I was folding the clothing. I was dusting. I was cleaning the bathroom. I ended up vacuuming. Just spring cleaning my whole place.

The only things I asked him to do: vacuum, wash four cups and 2 bowls from the sink, and put the sheets on the bed. If I didn't ask him to do any of those, he wouldn't have done shit.

I don't think that's fair.
I know that's not fair.

And I've told him that half the dust and dirt in there is not mine. He might not "LIVE" here but he sure as hell acts like he is the fucking king and I am his peon. I am getting fed up.

I ran out of toilet paper, I asked him for a roll and his hesitation and declaration that I would have to get another roll eventually just infuriated me. It's not that I'm asking him to buy me a pack of them, just give me one measly toilet paper roll since he's used half of all of my toilet paper since I've known him.

This isn't just. I'm getting to my breaking point. Although it might be absurd to break up with him over such trivial matters, I am young, intelligent and can find someone to provide for me, not the other way around.

Either way, he'll be graduating soon and I'll have more of an opportunity to just deal with myself

For your enjoyment.

Memorial day

I have a boyfriend

It's not the guy that I was feeling out on and doing motorcycle rides, that one fled as quick as he saw what I wanted. That and he still had a girlfriend.
The funny thing is that now that guy is without a girl and I have been dating this guy for about nine months

Either way, it sucks. I've gone through a lot this semester and summer isn't boding well either

I do it to myself, but I feel like I've sacrificed a lot to be with this douche bag.

I wonder if it will even turn out better. Time is approaching and he is about to graduate early. I was goingto do the same, but I can't cram that many classes, have a job and still have some sanity.

More then anythin I've sacrificed my summer to be with him. But i'm too busy working on school or spending time at work to be with him. His schedule conflicts with mine constantly.

I just wonder why am I doing this? I'm not happy. Granted, I've been a lot happier since I've come to terms with my friends death and the other issues that came along with it.

I just wish I had more time for a better job and money to help get me the things I want instead of having to stress how things will balance out.

I just want things to be more manageable.

For your enjoyment.

monthly life crisis

No longer an issue of self image
No wonder to the world about my personality traits
but is it enough to get me by what I want?

I want success
I want to travel
I want to make it into a good law school
I want to have a good job once I graduate.

Will I?

Hm.

Somewhere along the lines I lost the feeling
It comes back
But it's never as strong as before.
I feel that the fighting over things that upset me hurt the situation more and more
And I fail to realize that maybe we just need to be apart
That maybe the same flight we thought we were taking are actually different places.
And the things you bring seem to make you stumble.
I can't deal with the luggage that you carry onto the airplane.
There is a limit, a personal item and a suitcase.
Anyone can deal with that, everyone usually has much with them before they take off.
People guard it closely, the inside contents of the luggage only checked through sensors to ensure that it won't harm people by those trained
It usually isn't enough to impede anyone from what they want to do in any regard
And once on the flying contraption, they put it away in the overhead compartment. Hiding it from the world, keeping their belongings close or far away, depending on their strategy to exit once they land.
Sure, people can have more. But it's usually checked in and also stashed away. Dealt with in a different manner.
It's not chained along, the way you seem to do with your luggage.
It's not thrown open for everyone to see the inside contents.