It was a matter of time before it all came downhill

I feel horrible.
I feel like I have no one.

I'm just crashing down, I'm just horribly depressed and no one knows it.
And no one can do anything about it.

I hide it around the boy
Who finally declared his love for me.
I just think it complicated things.
Not very surprising.

How am I supposed to deal with thing as the shock of its reinforcement hurts every time.
How do I put up with the potential sacrifice when I, for once in my life, just want things to go my way.

Granted, I have always put myself in a position where the easy option was not the way I would go about things, but I just want for once to not worry.

Obviously that's not going to happen. Obviously I'm going to be in fear, soaking up every moment I have trying to enjoy it, knowing that it could be the last time something of that magnitude and situation occurs.

It doesn't help that my friends just want to lecture.
Those who are around anyway.
But I guess they are real friends in that they don't fill me with false confidence.
But would it hurt for them just to see it my way?
and be there for me when I really need them.

Like now.

For your enjoyment.

I'm in Love

In LOVE.

El
Oh
Vee
Ee

AMOR
AMORE

Damn. This seems too simple. I don't understand how we get along so well, but we do. We don't fight. We don't smother each other. I just want to be around him and he feels the same.

It's nice.
If this continues, well...who knows...

As a crazed Hispanic woman, I'm already making mental arrangements.
I still want to go to Chicago.

Something tells me that he would follow me.
I feel that we are similar, we just want to love and be loved and show our love to the other person and have the other person do the same.

But does he love me?

Of course, I'm not dense enough to voice my emotion.
Danger follows, especially having it be this soon.

But I've been blessed with the ability to know what I want and know how I feel. Fickle as I was before with other boys, this one is a sure thing. I'm not letting go of him anytime soon.

I just want him to say it. We mention how we love aspects of each other, almost tip-toeing around the issue, but nothing head on.

Not my usual method, but again, with things of this nature, one must be delicate. Boys don't want to feel suffocated. Boys don't wan't to feel pressured. Boys might just say it as a response and not mean it.

I want him to say it.
I want him to mean it.

But I know it will be awhile.

When I was with my first boyfriend, he mentioned it in passing after two months of going out. Do I have to wait another month? I guess the issue is the fact that my current boyfriend and I haven't been going out for that long, which would make it seem like I'm jumping the gun in reality.

But again, I'm full of passion and emotion. This is dangerous, but the fact that I'm self aware and self assured makes me lack any doubt.

Who knows. I know he feel greatly for me. For now, I think I'll take that.

I'm going to screw this up some how.

I know I am.
But I guess saying that is setting myself up for failure.

I'm trying so hard to be responsible and try and deal with the trivial social situations that are my life. But I can't help but be insecure and be that jealous crazy girlfriend.

Fuck.

I'm friends with one of my ex boyfriends and I've been going to him for advice about myself lately. If anyone would be able to point out my faux pas it would be him.

In this particular case, this one girl, who everyone seems to love, and have been told by someone who is always around her of her deep flaws.

...

Honestly, I'm making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. I'm giving her way too much effort and it's pretty disgusting how catty I am acting. (Talk about almost immediate revelation as I was typing this).

I'm worth it. If he was interested in her, he would have pursued her...and it was like my friend told me earlier ...I left the place with him. Not the other way around.

I just need a breather.
I need to fucking let go of the situation.

There is just so much pent up frustration ...

Well I was going to write more, but I think this was just the breaking point of my emotional fever.

For your enjoyment.

Things are better than expected

In my amazing summer I was expecting for my semester to be horrid as soon as it started.

But it's been pretty exceptional.

And it is what everyone has told me, I believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have my own place.
I don't think I could love my apartment any more than I already do.
I love the location, I love the way it's set up. I love the fact that I am cleaning it every so often and that I have an amazing roommate. I love the bed that I got an amazing price and its epic comfort. I love the sheets and comforter that match so well. I love the posters in frames. I love the matching furniture in my room. I love my window to spy on the neighborhood intersection. I love ability to say come on over. I love the fact that I am actually a decent cook. I love that I'm eating healthier. I love the friends that helped me move up here, and like an army managed to get my shit unpacked and set up in a day. Probably a lot more that I enjoy about this place.

I don't enjoy paying for it...or not being able to find a job. I don't want to work in food, but it seems to be my only option. What a horrid option. There is mention of a potential public relations position, which seems atrocious, but I don't have much else going on at the moment, I might as well lie and apply to the damn thing.


...


There is this one guy that I hooked up with when I was visiting my friends in another city this January. It seems so long ago...

He transferred to my school because it had a better program.
He has an on again, off again girlfriend.
Long distance.
We've been hanging out a lot.
A lot.

I don't mind, whatever. Things are pretty cool and running smoothly.

Today was different.
My friends say I enabled him to do it, but I thought it was just pretty innocent.

I mean, he's been getting progressively touchy. Which is fine. Whatever.

He helped me move. He built me my furniture. He takes me with him to places so I can get groceries. He comes over, I cook for him. I go over, he cooks for me. We watch movies. We argue, but in a civilized fashion. I sprained my ankle and he took me to the hospital to get it looked at and waited with me the entire time. He took me on a motorcycle ride. It was the most amazing thing EVER. He took me to the country and there were cows and horses with the sun going down and the green fields. I kind up crept up on him and held him tighter. I mean, can you blame me? It was pretty damn romantic if you ask me.

Like I said. Something just happened today.
We have a class together, so I went to his place after.
Watched some shows.
I sprawled out on the couch. I just put my legs on him. He kind of just placed his hands on my legs. I got up to drink something and he had his arm around me. I kind of sank into his lap, but moved around because of his dog.
I laid back down. Eventually, he laid next to me and put his head on my stomach. He was caressing my legs.

At some point I realized...

he still has a girlfriend.
She is a vindictive bitch.
She will kill me.
She could destroy him.

He wants to hang out with me now.
I kind of want to rest. I'm exhausted...and I don't want to be that girl.
The one that is a stupid mistress and he ends up going back to his girlfriend.

What utter bullshit, might I say.
I don't understand the circumstances of their long distance agreement, but obviously when he's staring at me with his blue eyes for prolonged moments, there is something going on emotionally.

I'm just tired of being toyed. I don't need this bullshit.
I just wonder if that other guy, who I mentioned earlier will ever talk back.

I think he's intimidated by me or something...we've exchanged social networking sites and numbers and have been talking a lot, but he doesn't seem to keep up with potentially meeting up with me.

I have no interest in running after a guy if he's not going to follow up on potential appointments.
Either way, it is a nice change of pace, but I doubt that it will last long.

For your enjoyment.

A lot has happened.

I went to Chicago.

Oh my god. Has my world changed.

I've gotten a taste of what life really is like in the city.
And I want it so bad that my insides hurt so much.
My brain can't stop comparing it to everything around it.
I want it to be possible so much.

The activity. The business. The success. The possibility.
Just minimally sums up the ecstasy that I endured on my trip.

I loved every ounce of it. I loved wandering the city.
I loved the buildings.
I loved the Lolapalooza.
I loved the Restaurants.
I loved the trains
I loved the parks

It was too much to handle and I didn't care that in my apatite crumbs of this amazing city would fall to my feet.

This has honestly been the best summer I've ever had.
I made amazing friends, I'll miss them dearly and I hope they feel the same.

It's sad that things won't ever be like this summer. But what can I do, simply enjoy this for what it is.

And I don't think I can thank God enough for it.
Despite the family disputes, I was able to escape with the aid of my friends.
I traveled to new and old places.
I honestly couldn't be happier about it.

I finally figured out what I wanted boy wise.
Maybe.

I thought about it. After spending my days in Chicago with my guy friend. I just mentally sulked. Now with my best friend is off with another man and pretty much every girl I know is with some other guy that they care about, I'm in need of either new friends or a guy to date and maybe more.

Don't get me wrong. I love my friends. I adore my friends and I might be willing enough to say that I would do anything for my friends. But I'm just in need of a good cuddle. I'm tempted to just find a guy just to cuddle.

It's gotten pathetic. My friend who I traveled with to Chicago told me about some dating site. I indulged.
I found two guys of interest.
One deleted his profile or blocked me. The other gave me his facebook.
I want him. Kind of.
I don't know.
He's working and doesn't really have internet at the moment.
But I can't help but think about all these things.
I should just drop it and realize the boy probably is a virgin and doesn't want anything.
It's a horrible way to live life. But at this point pessimism is the only way I live when it comes to things of this nature.

For your entertainment.

It's days like this I wish I was dead.

Would that be enough to Baker Act me?

Even then, they wouldn't have shit on me I suppose.

It's days off. It's the weekend. It's my fault for wanting a normal day of nothing.

I seriously just wanted one day off from the world. This is the second time I tried doing something like this.

I just think my mom and brother are out to get my mental health.
I just want to run away and never come back.

I'm tired of having to deal with self ritious behavior.
I'm tired of being called fat, even though I'm trying everything possible.
Im tired of my mom telling me all I do is eat.

God, fuck you.
I'm all about struggle, but I can't take this shit anymore.
I wish I had the balls to fucking kill myself sometimes.

For your enjoyment.

Pointeless endeavor

Facebook has a nasty way of encouraging people to things that they shouldn't be interested in.
Even if you sort of repulsed by them, the past makes you crave that naive, ignorant demeanor and wants you to go back to that state of mind.

I added this boy that I was, I guess you can say fuck buddies, with.
Why?
I guess it involved something of his sister coming around and asking me why I wasn't friends with him on facebook. We honestly didn't have anything substantial. Why should I care if I was friends with him or not.
So I did it, he accepted, apparently he viewed it the same way.

It's whatever. I don't miss him. He's honestly horribly skinny.
I hate people who have that ability.
I swim 400 meters, non stop - 1000 in total. Then lift weights and 20 mins of some sort of cardio after 3 times a week...and I'm technically on the border of being normal and overweight. I eat salads practically everyday when I'm not out with friends. I take care of myself.

My genetics simply hate me. I'm heart healthy, but damn. I just want to fit into a size 5 jean again.

I guess in the way my genetics hate mes, his hate him, because like I said, he's a friggin stick.

But I guess the point here isn't my vanity or my critique on others. It's that my apathy for wanting someone isn't apathy. I just haven't felt anything with anyone because I'm seriously not attracted to anyone in both the physical and personality aspect.

I guess I seem redundant, I guess that's an understatement, in mentioning this topic, but I don't even know why it's of great importance.

I don't even pain like I used to. I don't even put forth the importance on it like I've done before.
I guess it's just me growing up and realizing that I have to put myself first and if I have to share my time with someone else, I'll just morph back into a codependent idiot like some people.

I enjoy having my multiple groups of friends, and at the moment, they are what make me feel whole. I don't need some asshole to feed me bullshit lines and only wants to be with me to stick his 'd' in my 'p.' The whole relationship concept seems to me to be a romanticized farce.

It makes people feel like crap that they aren't good enough for the person that they want, and want only merely for their looks and their pleasant personality, and eventually their ideal of what that person is or could be. Ultimately people seem to settle for less than they deserve, is it because they feel that that's what is meant for them? Less than the best. Because they can't wait around for something better to come along?

Whatever the case is, all my life I've put everything on hold in order to obtain something greater. I pretty much put my social life on hold in senior year to get crap done, and even then I put my life on hold in high school for the greater good of my education.
I'm in school now in a place where I don't do as well socially because I'm here for education. That's always been my priority. Education and career. I don't care for my family and I'm slowly not caring about having a boyfriend/girlfriend.

More and more I just see it less necessary. I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty. I don't need someone to do romantic things for me. I don't need someone to love me. I guess in my search and desire for complete independence, I know that I'm worth people's time.

Obsession continues in one way or another.

I honestly just need a pet. Something to smother my attention and love with.
But too bad I have to wait another year.
Until then I guess I'll use my friends who have one as an excuse to come over.


For your enjoyment.

The summer is about to close

I have a hard time keeping up with writing in this thing
Or in my journal.

I feel like I don't document my emotions anymore because I don't care to hold on to the grudges, the wasted lustful, or loving emotions.

I just continue onto what's next.

That's pretty much what I've been doing this summer.
Chaos has erupted, as always.
But simpler things like friendship have persuaded me into enjoying the bits of home.

I feel like I've done so much. Even if others have traveled to different countries, interned in other states or stayed in the University for school, I can say I fully enjoyed my summer.

I've made new friends and strengthened the ones I knew already.
In order for this to happen, the link that held us all as a group was broken.
Sadly on her part, but after realization of her depressive, pushy ways, I wasn't about to go out of my way any more to hang out with her.
Her friends felt the same way. We close the gap and have been hanging out since.

I hung out with my ex and he brought a friend. I became his friend and he introduced me to more friends and got my best friend a replacement boyfriend. I just hope she doesn't forget about me.

All in all, that's my only concern at this point.

I don't want to be abandoned by my friends for potential lovers.
A treacherous thought, but incredibly possible.
Especially since I hang out with a bunch of guys.
How many guys do you know hang out with their "chick" (for lack of a better word, girl friend would only have made it more complicated in contexts) friends?
Not many.

It's incredibly disheartening. Especially when I've lived it in one specific case. My friend in my freshman year, early sophomore, we were inseparable. He found a girlfriend and I never hear from him.
I don't want to live a life of using up a friendship until they, or I (although doubtful) find a mate.

Is that what life is all about?

We are only destined to be with one other person.

That bores the hell out of me.

Even with having friends that are girls, on my part. It's the same process.

No matter what I do, if I try for love or try for friendship, I'm going to be alone.

What bullocks.



I want a pug.
My friend's mom breeds them. I have fallen in love with that dog. I seriously want a pug with that much spunk and love and enthusiasm for seeing me.

I guess if I had one it would absolve my fear of being alone, until it died, I suppose. Too bad I won't be able to have one for some time. Damn apartment.

I'm trying to get another job for while I'm in school. I only hope that it goes through. I've sent out my resume to about ten law firms, with probably typo'd out antics on the paper. But I just will have to wait for a response.

I guess in a week I'll fax them if they don't respond.
I wouldn't know where else to work. That's pretty much the bulk of my working experience, in an office. More than what most can say, but how I manage to get these jobs, I'll never know.


As usual, the boy realm is vast and empty.
Nothing really surprising there.

Well, not much more to add at the moment.

For your enjoyment

I miss school.

So things, as usual have gone down the shitter.

I hate home so much. Things were going okay, and of course I had to instigate a fight.

I haven't really had some down time. To myself and all that. And whenever I try for it my mom always has me escorting my older brother off to the doctor.

Leave me alone.

I don't know. I guess I've been a bitch.

Whatever.

I just want to be left alone for a few days.

For your entertainment.

Summer time. Ironically filled with so much lemonade.

The lemonade references was made because my brother has been having a lot of crap in his system. To flush it out, he needs lemon juice.
And lots of it.

Which is nice. I do tire of orange juice, especially when it was the only thing my parents...or for that matter have bought, in years to drink with our meals.

That too has changed, we've been eating healthier, mainly to maintain my brother's system. God, he's a fat wreck that no one knows why he's shaking. It sucks.

He's been pissing me off lately in that he doesn't do much around the house. The first week I came home I cleaned up the house and literally scrubbed my floors. I find some sick pleasure in cleaning.

He's just there, leech from my family and verbally attacking my mom and misplacing his anxiety and anger in her direction because he doesn't know, nor does he want to know his condition.
He is really acting like a reliant 13 year old, and i want to punch him in the liver, that's how bad it annoys me.

My younger brother has been a good apathetic sport about the situation. Since my older brother shakes, he pretty much refuses to drive anywhere, which gives me the brunt of the work, which is always awesome....ugh. But my younger brother, who for whatever reason was tossed aside when it came to teaching to drive, was, well, never taught to do so.
Him, being the mellow, go with the flow and if it were important someone would have nagged me about it, doesn't care to do it on his own.

So I drag him around everywhere. I buy him food. I just don't like doing things by myself. It's not that it aggravates me, but if I could have someone to do the dumb things with and make my day go a little faster, I will definitely take on that opportunity.

My mom has been stressed out. Over my older brother. She's pretty much babying the fuck out of him (something my older brother accuses my mom of doing to my younger brother, but obviously he lacks an ability to be self aware in his accusations). She has also been studying for a new job. She's been acing her exams. I think she's a better student than I am when it comes to studying. But it's only one subject, so I suppose her attention isn't divided up in multiple tasks and those sort of things. I'm pretty proud of her.

My dad is ...there.

I am, well, better.

I have an internship that preoccupies my time. I have friends here. My family occupies a good amount of my time and my issues that made me spiral in a horrible depression have eased out.
I knew it was a matter of waiting things out, but JEEZ, I was on the brink of destruction...as is the case around that time of year.

Home life has been pretty awesome. Mainly because my mom has been too distracted to be pissed off with anyone and I've been pretty complacent and not as bitchy. I haven't been talking her down...which is strange. My younger brother notices it, he told me today.

I just seriously feel like I'm smarter than her when it comes to how people functions. Granted, she has me on what to do in social affairs, but everything else I feel I have a better grasp on.

But I could just be on my high horse and just dismissing her...regardless things have been more peaceful.
She seriously needs a dog though.
She wants to do things and she expects me to do them with her.
She wants to go swimming, she wants me to wait for her to come home to do it. She ends up holding meback from doing more laps because of conversation.
She wants to go walking, something I don't feel like doing as much any more seeing as I would prefer to run and have yet to charge my music device out of sheer laziness.
But I'm glad things are going well between us. I ignore her for the most part in matters of the pool that I use not being as big...things like that are insignificant....
Mainly because I doubt she used to swim over 1000 yards every other day.

I've been compensating for my lack of physical exercise with doing weights and running on the treadmill.
I haven't gained any weight, but I'm sure that the steady 135 isn't going anywhere.... if I lose fat I gain muscle and vise versa....

Not talking to my mom about my weight makes life easier. I've learned to avoid talking to her about that matter.
No matter how fit my lower body is, as long as I'm not a size five....which I'm currently a six, I still need to lose weight.
I'm semi happy with where I am at the moment. I just want to work on my arms and abs.
Hopefully things will turn out better for my body.

As for the issues of boys.
I hung out with the boy before I left. He seemed interested.

But now that I'm home and he still going to school, there's really no communication.
I still think about him.
It's fun to have someone to fantasize about.
Even if he's probably seeing someone else.

But I think I'm just going to devote my time in my friends, family, books, learning Italian and preparing for the LSAT, which god help me please because it is going to be a doozy to say the least.

I'm alright. Not ecstatic, but I'm in a good place.
That's all I could really ask for at the moment.

For your enjoyment.

I'm pretty horny.

It's been about six months since I last had sex.

I'm not too happy with that realization.

I kind of just want to masturbate. But it never really substitutes for the hot, sweaty, passionate bodies thrusting against each other in a lustful embrace as the dramatized inhale and exhale of each person as they penetrate each other creates a sense of bliss and ecstasy.

Fuck.
I need to get laid.

I keep thinking naughty thoughts of him.

We met up the other day.
It was chill.
I keep wanting more. I let my mind wander sometimes, but I have to pull it back once I remember that this is nothing serious.

Deep.
Platonic.
Relationship.

Otherwise known as the friends zone and full of utter bullshit.

Damn. I'm never getting laid at this rate.

And yes, I know the hullabaloo of other people would probably whip it out in a second.
Ugh. Just ugh.

I'm just slowly not caring.

For your enjoyment.

What I never wanted.

How is it that I attract the people I don't want?

Is it my blatant disregard for them that make them pine for me?
Is it my flirty nature that intrigues them and makes them think that because I'm available, I'm interested.

Sorry to say. I'm not.
And I wish they would get the picture.

It makes me realize how much of a nuisance I can be at times. But I've tried to stay away from being like that.
I think this semester I've done a relatively good job at doing so.

But jumping the gun as always. I guess, like the motif in my life, staying single is inevitable.
Despite my looks, body, charm, and charisma.
Sometimes I wish I was a man.

I would go after someone I want and would smother them with affection.

But do I even want that now? I guess so, In the back of my head I tend to drift off with thoughts of this boy...but again, like everyone has been telling me. It's pointless. (I'm going to cease communication from him from now on. I think it would be better that way.)

But even if I talk trash behind their backs (very lady like), even if I ignore all advances and tell them that I have other things to do time after time.
Why do they persist?

Why don't others persist. Is it my punishment for something I did in a prior life? Or a constant karma kick for being semi-vile with these individuals.

I wish some things would sort themselves out.

For your enjoyment.

Not so great of a day, as you can tell by the posts.

when i get depressed

I spiral out of control

It's funny how things maintain some awesomeness, and then out of nowhere you start to sink in the quicksand of complication.

If you struggle, you sink more.
If you try to ease out of it, although it takes longer, you escape.

But how long will it take for me to escape without starving to death?

For your enjoyment.

The problem with my mom.

She's incredibly smart. She's outspoken. She stands up for what she wants and fights the crowd even if everyone is pushing her back.

She is just incredibly hostile.

I'm incredibly skilled in communicating.
I have substantial amount of empathy, despite my emotional imbalance.
I try to have a certain amount of patience with people.

It's just with her.
I lose it.
She is intolerant. Self-absorbed. She has a ridiculous inability to communicate effectively.

It really frustrates me.
It makes me not want to go home for the summer.

God help me.

For your enjoyment.

The eternal "he loves me, he loves me not" bullshit.

Which is why I get disappointed just as much, but hurts a lot less.

Yea, I give up. The first sign of failure and I'm throwing in the towel.
I'm better off without anyone.

I have to keep telling myself that.
Besides, he doesn't want commitment. Just some form of parody of it.
I don't want a farce.

Sometimes I wish I was apathetic to everything all the time.

I guess it's time to turn on the switch.

For your enjoyment.

Boycentric, Yes. But maybe it's okay.

Despite summer.
Despite his exams.
Despite everything.

I would like to think he really likes me.

I have no problem with it being platonic.
Not now. I wonder how he feels about kissing. cuddling. hand holding.
Just affection, nothing sexual.

I'm pretty over sex at the moment.

I'm such a sucker. I keep imagining us holding hands, at least the first moment.

GOD I'm such a cheeseball. I can't help it. He's making an effort to hang out with me. I like it.

WHY SUMMER WHY???
At least I prolonged my destination from campus. Last year I learned better than to leave early. It was chaos.

But this time things seem to be going smoothly.
I'm just excited for this last minute crush that seems to be progressing.
It's pretty much exactly what I wanted.
Commitment for the sake of companionship.

I can deal with that without a problem.

For your enjoyment

Why Dealing With Virgins is Such a Turnoff.

God dammit.

I know you like me.
You know I like you.

You even said to me, "I like what we have now" concerning a platonic relationship, I didn't freak out.
Granted I might want more. I want romance. I want to be held. I want to be loved. I want something with substance.

But I understand things have to lead up to that. I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to date. I'm willing to abide by your rules.

But YOU have to instigate the forward motion. Turn the wheel. Take the lead. Listen to the motivational cliche's that instigate going forward.

As crazy as I get. As much I analyze it, will it matter?
It's summer. It seems like a failed attempt. I'm willing to start something and come back to it to rekindle our crushes.
But are you?

Probably not.
I have the worst luck when it comes to boy opportunities.

It's just another sign from God.

You're beautiful. Don't forget it. Here's some self-esteem and flattery.
But focus on your education and career pursuits.
Because romance isn't in your life.

Or for that matter, platonic sexual tension.

For your enjoyment.

Spurt of Happiness

He asked me for my number today.

I'm telling you, I have the luck of things coming up and then having it be the end of the year or a break of some sort fuck that up.

We were just sitting there in a group just talking amongst ourselves like we do around lunch time. I rather enjoy being able to meet up with the same people over and over. I am sadly a creature of habit that sometimes want new things to appear.

Anyway, he comes along every now and then. He's a friend of a friend who is now my friend. When he first came around I made it known that I had an immense interest for him. We had some sort of interest in each other.

Then of course spring break came up.
He ended up making out with some chic or whatever.

He avoided me the following week. It was dumb.

The next Friday we met up and just hung out. It's nice. Whenever we are in a group we just section ourselves out and just talk. Everything is talked about, there are no restrictions and I'm always laughing my ass off.

He's potentially queer, like I am. He's clean. He's a man of science (how I love them). He is just pretty great.

Obviously I say that because I'm interested in him.

So people left the circle type structure. We just talked. and talked. and talked.

He told me how he was still a virgin (that wasn't difficult to decipher). How he hates body hair. How he questions his ability to be sexual, nearing on asexual. He doesn't find many people attractive.

I felt kind of like I was talking to myself. I could relate to what he was saying. A lot.

He liked being single, but he wanted a platonic relationship...maybe be friends first before he progresses into something.

And it's true. God, how I've lived rushing things. It ruins everything. It honestly does. I've ruined so many potential things because I want instant satisfaction and immediate intimacy.

It's funny how we flirt in conversation. How we say things we like about the person, but never directly to the individual. Fucking with their mind. We both were doing that. One time I mentioned blue eyes, the other time he remarking his dissatisfaction with breasts and liked legs and a nice ass.

It was cute.

We both left, but he pulled out his phone wondering if I had his, and I said no. I did at one point through facebook, but since the transition to another temporary phone, it was lost in the process. Complete bummer for sure...but I felt that if he had any interest in communicating with me he would ask.

My friend who was petitioning came around to tell me some things, in the middle the boy of interest had asked me "what is your number." Of course an instant smile appeared on my face. I looked at my petitioner friend and he smiled back.

I love those moments, that with a look, the words and feelings can be expressed perfectly.

He then left and I texted him back. It was the end of that experience.
As you can tell, it's been awhile since something along those lines has occurred.
I don't want to jump for joy.

He had told me that he should keep up with people a lot better. He asked if I was going to be here this summer, which I will if I can't find a job while at home. So I don't know my situation this summer. It was really cute. I was really happy.

I just don't want to be a forgotten thought.

I know I will continually think about him, but I don't want to be the one that is the first to text him. He probably feels the same way.

I'm just happy I managed some attention, but at the same time upset that I know it won't go through.

Oh well.

Just another meaningless event in my life.

For your enjoyment.

Full of negativity

Well, I guess I never thought about it.

I gave my friend a link to this crummy blog.
He asked me was there a happy page.

I told him no, it was pretty much a place to vent, I suppose.

He asked me when the last time I was actually happy.

I never thought about it. But I haven't been happy in ages.

I used to be. What happened?

The only thing I can pinpoint my ability to not be happy is referencing Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

I lack a sense of love/belonging. Boohoo, right?

Just take me back to my happy days. I liked being happy and not as cynical.

Please?

For your enjoyment.

Eye Twitch, bad decisions are inevitable

OH SOLEMN OCCASION, YOU ARE ANOTHER DISTRESSED BLOG

of sorts.

Things seem to be getting better for the most part.
At least I have a roommate now.

It's nice. Knowing that there is someone that's in my position.

Even though I will have to live catless.
Sad day.

But at this point, with the commotion and agony not thinking things through has cost me, this has been six weeks of stress, partly due to the questionable nature of having a roommate. Well, all because of my lack of a roommate.

But I have one now. And she's alright. Allergic to cats, which is sad, but she's a decent person. I can totally deal.

I'm actually now excited at the thought of having my own room and furniture. Living there over the summer (hoping I get a job of course).

It's a nice relief.

The boy deal is pretty chaotic.
I love how I never emphasize a girl.

I obviously have double standards.

ANYWAY. I find that everyone is paired off. No one looks at me like they used to.
There was this one prospective individual. But at this point I feel as if that is a failed venture and not even worth the attempt.

I find his boyish goodlooks enticing. Oh well, the semester is almost over with. Time to return home. Where awaits only a jobless encounter and a daily reminder of my wasteful effort.

I'll at least help out with this one organization and hope for the best...
I just want money. Is it that difficult for someone of my caliber to find something mindnumbing and pay me to do it?

Aggravation.

I've been trying this, don't freak out/be as serious as you usually are/blocking it out as much as possible because everything will work out.

Who knows if it's working.
Who knows if everything will work out.

I'm just so damn impatient and too self absorbed to even notice if it did.

I just secretly hope things are working out.
I hope something will come up.
I don't know what to expect anymore.

Rawr.

For your enjoyment.

Will my April showers bring May flowers?

April seems so horrible.

Trying to find a job. Trying to find a roommate. Trying to get my mental health in check.

It's almost over.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.

Why do I always pick my education over my emotional welfare?
My friends here suck.
It's always so sketchy. There has to be something wrong with me.

I mean, there has to be. Mentally...and physically.
Exercising an hour a day about obviously isn't working. I'm only gaining more weight. I'm up to 135 now. I don't know how that happened.
My legs are awesome. But I have a horrible gut. I guess I should just do sit ups, but I don't know why I haven't been motivated to do that.

I'm just some ugly blob. I don't feel good about myself. I feel annoying. I feel untalented. I feel all of these horrible things.

My world seems to be crashing down.


Why? It is just my perception?

I hate not having control of my social life. I hate having to constantly reach out.
Whatever. I should get over myself.

I have plenty of options for distractions.

I wish I didn't have motivations, so I could just waste away my worries with drugs.
I think I'm going to stop eating as much.

I know the repercussions of anorexia...but I looked so much better with an eating disorder than I did without...

I at least got attention that way.

Does anything matter anymore
Why do I even bother living if I feel like everything I do is just a failure.

For your enjoyment

Trying to find a Roommate is like trying to find a good boyfriend, and we all know I am skilled with the latter...

Well then my friend.

Of course, another complication.

This is my blog of complications.

Get used to it, because I left my notebook I write in at home.

Good stuff.

I'm doing a group project with some people. I kind of have a crush on this one girl I'm getting along with. She's gorgeous. She's funny. She is someone I would want to date, if she wasn't such a hardcore catholic.

I'm no spatula. and I'm not going to bother, she is an awesome person, despite my crush on her. I just wished that she wouldn't graduate so early...or that I would've met her earlier.

Oh well. Another time I suppose.

I just told my friend about the crush. She's telling me to corrupt her.

I doubt it.

Whatever.

I find that group projects can be surprisingly good bonding experiences. The last major one that was a semi success, I still talk to the guy every now and then. He has a mad crush on me, but it's too back he's going to graduate soon.

Whatever.

I called the organizations back that wanted to hear from me, I didn't hear from them. I hope tomorrow I get a call, maybe Friday, but I am defintely calling the Career Resource Center back

All this damn waiting is annoying. I want results and I want them now, dammit.

My roommate situation is pretty annoying at the moment. I have no idea what's going on and am about ready to take on mass marketing.

Let's hope for the best with that one. Ugh

For your enjoyment.

Even in my dreams, my hidden wants haunt me

I had a dream that I was talking to someone and they were discussing a crush that I have...you know like an inactive virus, it only surfaces when conditions are right...and that person liked me and he would pursue something if he wasn't in a relationship.

It felt nice in the dream, but in reality...I know that wouldn't happen.


I went to the river with my friends and it was pretty awesome. It was a beautiful day, and because it was easter, there was hardly anyone there. Out of town or in church, not us.

It was two couples and a friend, who has a boyfriend but isn't currently in the same county for his own personal reasons.

I had fun. I got intensely brown. It rocked my world. I was really happy that a group of my friends finally decided to do something outdoorsy, I knew it was going to be incredible. I wish that this would happen more often, maybe next time we could go to the coast?

The water was clear, the surroundings were impressive, we ended up going up again. At the second time around the river we ended up jumping off this tree. It was pretty awesome.

I did it twice. I about died the first time around. I'll never know how I managed to get up there without complication, my fingers tingle with just the thought of it.

I did enjoy it, but there were definite longings.

I longed for my awesome body I used to have. I still have six more months to get where I want, I guess my 'freshman fifteen' was going to hit at one point, and it just hit later on as I was finally adjusting to college with having friends. That I at least have hope that I might one day get back, I hope so anyway.

I longed for companionship. My friend pointed out to me later on how she could tell at times that I was a bit down on not having someone.

I hate being so transparent.

It's on and off at this point. I find it hard to have a legitimate attraction for someone. Looks are good, but if they lack interest (duh) and lack a personality (no bros, hos) then I'm probably not going to budge.

I'm too picky. I guess, but like I said before, I'm not going to force something upon myself.
Last thing I need is to settle.

Maybe I was meant to do good in this world through my career. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a family. Every notable historical figure that is looked up upon as a leader had to make a self sacrifice. Maybe this one is mine. To be alone for the rest of my life.

What a bittersweet lifetime.

For your enjoyment.

I need new friends, a new life, and a new job

This apartment thing has me incredibly stressed out.

I misread the contract and saw that if I don't get the grantor in soon, I'll lose all of my money.
All one thousand one hundred and fifty.

The funny thing is, at this point I really don't care...well obviously I do, otherwise I wouldn't be so stressed out, but I just wish my mom would have listened to reason, well my reasoning.

I'll give them a call tomorrow. I'm just freaking out about all of this. It's pretty much the same situation I was in when I left my laptop cord at home.

Ugh. They called me in the middle of Krishna Lunch and I freaked out.

Just thinking about it makes me all emotionally congested and now I just pray to god things get done a lot quicker. I wish they would have done priority mail. It takes four days for the mail to come in.

On top of that stress. I need to deny the application of two people seeking me out. I need to find a job in west palm beach. I need to find some stability in my life. I need to find a new bike tire because my other one exploded...who knows how.

I've been so crummy feeling..... I just want some change.

I need new friends.
I know I keep saying that but I really want it to happen.

I keep doing something wrong.
What am I doing wrong that I can't find these people?

Was I born to just be isolated?
If so, then what is this mental craving to meet new people and interact with them?
Not even new people. Just have more closer friends?
I feel that everything I say comes back to having a boyfriend.

Or girlfriend.

At this point I don't care.
I'd want a butch one though. Like that transgender in my feelings class. He's pretty hot. I knew he was a she, but was still attracted to him.
Or that one that was on the television for millionaire's club. She was pretty hot also.

I don't care.

They don't even have to be romantically involved. I just someone to do things with.

Sometimes I feel myself go and think about taking advantage of some people, like this kid who I hooked up with my freshman year. I dumped him and remained friends with him. He's crazy about me still.

It's not that he's a bad person. It's not that he doesn't have a good personality. It's not that he's not attractive. We just don't click.

He hugged me and spun me around. I didn't want to be dipped so I wrapped his legs around him. I think it got him a little swooned. He then kissed me. He's kissed me before. I just ignored it. Why make it a big deal? It was a peck on the cheek. But that's how I know he's crazy about me.

There are a few people i could name actually that are pretty crazy over me.
Him
some guy in the other city I went to
some guy back home
some guy who already graduated...
well that's only a few.

Probably a few more. Whatever.
Does it matter? No. I need to be focusing on my studies instead of just moping...but today just sucked so I had to emo it out.

Playing Catch up.

I'm debating if I should even bother with hiding the names. The only people that know of this are the ones that I trust.

As far as I know.

Things.

So many things have come through. So many things have happened.

I managed to start writing in my journal instead of this blog. There is a sick and pleasurable feeling of having word written on a journal, a miniature book that is always looked back on and realized the evolution of maturity and disintegration of depressed creativity. Sad people know how to create things, because they feel.

I feel I reached my creative peak during my puberty years. What sadness. I still like to think I'm an exceptional writer, but that's obviously subjective...but my ego will always beg to differ if anyone else to thinks other wise. Heh.

HOME

I miss being home.

Sometimes.

The quality of people there, well, since one of my friends pretty much used me until she found another friend to spend all of her time and doesn't ever share anything personal whenever I go, that makes it kind of a bummer. But other than that I have gotten closer to two other people and I always have my best friend since seventh grade. I always meet people there. My family usually drives me bonkers, but I hope that this time it will be completely different. This semester has been a complete bust in many way. I'm so over it and wish for things to just finish already.

SCHOOL

I don't know what happened or what went wrong, but I'm trying so hard and nothing is really getting through. I figure the best chance I have in a report card will be 2 a's 1 a- and a b. Assuming all is right in the Universe, that is. Which in retrospect is pretty fab. I just hope that I can actually manage grades of that stature. I do hope so. Advertising has been a massive pain in my ass, and if it gives me a c+, i'm going to be horribly pissed off. I hate the way the class is set up. I will definitely make note on how things are set up and how grades are based. I need classes that at least give the opportunity for projects and things of that nature. the worst that can happen to my grades...three b's and a c. That would be a pretty crummy outcome. I will then be an honest to god college student struggling. I need to put forth more effort into my studies, even though I feel like I put in plenty. I guess my methods are in need of work. Do I even have enough energy left, or am i not putting in enough?

I feel like this, this time of year. I always manage to do okay. I'm just wondering what happened. Why did I end up with C's in my exam this time around? I've been studying. I've been keeping up. Is it just that I don't pay enough attention in class? What am I doing wrong? Should I drop a course? What should I do? I'm scared of advertising. Those exams are ridiculous and I find that the information on there is so scattered. We read chapters upon chapters of material and it's so hard to cover not only the chapters, but the lecture and the additional anecdotes and points he makes in the lecture. I find it aggravating.
In my criminology and law class I don't seem to get the material, I feel that there is a lack of material and they nit pick at the mundane issues.

That's my problem. I don't like to study. I don't like to memorize words or lists of words. Why would I want to do that? I want to create. I want a project. I want a paper. Something that can prove I know how to utilize the material that you're teaching me. But maybe I'm just making excuses... but I have always been a person to learn through example and conceptualize ideas.

I'm so over Public Relations anyway.

My new interest is Political Science.
This is something that seems to be grounded.
I hope that I like it when I study it.
I just need a change. I've been struggling in the intro classes of P.R.
Poli Sci is structured more to my way of thinking.
At least I hope.


BOYS.

The ever present indication of my failure as an attractive, ambitious, charismatic female, my lack of a boy.
A stable one. There is something going on. I can get them...in clubs. And in random casual encounters. But I know that's not the kind of thing that I want. I'm over the random makeout.
I tried the hook up with sex and without sex. Both times failed horribly. I tried to psych myself into a crush, which succeeded until I got in over my head and started to fantasize. Of course it's evident what followed. Destruction of such ludicrous thoughts, which was probably for the best.
This year I've had one encounter with a boy in another city that I knew from back home. I had an encounter with an obnoxious Australian. I tried to make that a legitimate thing, and it seemed that was where it was going, but it turned out to be just an object of sexual attraction and nothing more. I don't blame the kid, but I guess he didn't know what he was messing with, so of course I ditched him. Then this other individual who I have had a crush on. But something about him being an out of school pothead loser with a low self esteem probably didn't help anyone's chances of anything.

It all meant nothing. I'm not looking for love, I think.

I just want a damn boyfriend. That shouldn't be something that is so difficult.

But then I have to assess what differentiates me from everyone else.
I'm actually attractive.
Everyone else seems to settle. I don't want to settle, because I know that there are some people that would be more than willing to be there if I were to say BE MINE.

God no.

My problem is that the social circles that I'm in seem to include only ugly people...well not ugly, but not to my taste. That's not something I can help, honestly. I find that personality will get the best of me, as it did with my internship over the summer with the summer associate. I don't know. I tried to expand, but it seems pointless. This is all pointless. I just wish I could stop fretting.

I don't fret as much, thankfully. I know there would be days that I would actually be depressed about this notion. It's an irritant at this point.

I used to be more outgoing. But that didn't get me anywhere either. I got attention from all the wrong kind of people.

It's infuriating. Seeing my crushes with less attractive individuals. And don't mention the possibility of personality. I know I have a very charismatic and agreeable personality, despite it's blunt nature... My problem is that there isn't anything that keeps me seeing them over and over again.

I just keep tracing back to the first guy I met in school. What a tease that was.
And epic fail at timing.

I wonder if it could be just me. I've gained weight, but it seems to be in muscle. My pants are starting to fit much better at least. My face has been in the constant state of breaking out, which I can only thank my second coming of puberty for that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, maybe I'm not doing anything wrong.

I'm just in the wrong crowd, which is the story of my life. I wish I could have just moved on and out of Florida. This crowd is too...I don't even know. It's too much though. Too insecure? Too picky? Too lust driven? Definitely too much.

I don't even know what to do.
If there is anything to do.

I keep changing things up, but in the end, I still get the same results.
All I ever do is bitch about this boy issue.
I wouldn't so much if I actually had friends. Real friends that don't just drift back and forth.


FRIENDS

I can get overbearing though. So I understand...
I just wish I had a car or something along those lines. Do you know the things I would do if I had a car? Do you know the places I would explore if I had a car? Do you know what exploration and fun adventures I would be capable of if I had a car?

No.
Because I don't have one.
I don't have money for one.
I don't think I'll make enough money for one.
And my dumb ass is completely getting an overpriced apartment because I fell in love with it.

I'll get a cat. Hopefully it will love me. The last thing I need is another pet to hate me.

Fuck Rabbits, by the way. They are unnecessary vermin if they attack people...dammit.

I've tried so many people. I just need money to do things. Something I don't have.
I don't even know what to do anymore. This is why I miss home. I have more resources there. I have people who want to do things. I have people who want to be closer to me...but there isn't anything that happens where I live.

What a horrid conundrum.

I have some good friends though. It was what someone was telling me the other day, I hate people, and the ones that realize that I'm okay and I let get close to me I will eventually like.

I kind of like that outlook. It's not the best to have, but it's the one that seems to happen to me without even trying.

Do I repel people? How do I attract people?
Do I just get caught up with the excitement that is hanging out and make a fool out of myself?
Or am I simply socially inept?

NEXT

Who knows what the future holds. I had so much hope for this semester.
What a failure.

I'll have an apartment. Which is always awesome. But it's so expensive.
I just hope I can get a job over the summer to save up for it or something along those lines.

It would be nice just to have a cat. I'm excited for the cat. I really want that to happen. It would explain why my friend with a cat isn't usually in the dumps. The cat will be my best friend and love me unconditionally...hopefully...

That's pretty much the gist of things. I feel like nothing progresses. I'm like in a rut. I always get in some sort of rut towards the end of the semester. Who knows what that's all about.

I need some help. Somewhere. I just don't know where to start.

For your enjoyment.