Progression and contemplation

The darnest thing.

I sit in my bathroom with no other place to go in my house. Ridiculous.

Here is the thing: Mother decided to purchase a new mattress. She didn't like it and returned it. Turns out that they took it back, and the next day her other new mattress comes in.

I don't understand why the transaction could not occur on the same day.

Nor why I must fall victim to not having a space to sit and waste my time before I attempt sleep.

As you probably guessed, she's off in my bed sleeping. I had to pull out the blow up mattress...which I sink right into. Accompanied by her lovely soothing snores that make me want to rip my ears out and stuff the holes with acid.
My dad is off in the living room on one of the couches, which is is directly connected to the kitchen and right in front of the patio, where the light shines brightly when turned on.

Fun stuff. I have a few more hours before I can have my reclaimed room until I go back to school.

I am on vacation.


I didn't do so hot in school, and my grades could have been better.

It's not that bad though. I managed an A, A-, and two B's. Still, I didn't really try in those classes until the second half of it, where my grade was taking a dive into the restricted area. I could have done better and should have. But I shouldn't try to beat myself up about it. I will take this and learn from it.


I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about life in general.

I've learned that there is a need to focus in school and socialize outside of it, but the true way to succeed is to balance everything.

The year started out slow, and in disaster, as my earlier entries have mentioned. The bike, the weight gain. Not having an established group of friends. I was pretty down and completely missing my friends from my home. [Which now are hardly to be seen, mainly because Bianca is off using one of her guy friends and doesn't love me anymore, but Ari is still there for me, like always].
Times came around and I managed a good few group of friends and was utterly bored with my classes. I didn't even bother reading or keeping up with the material. I was out having fun or doing nothing with my friends.
Exams came around which I hardly studied for. I was so bored and unmotivated and lacked any drive when it came to my seemingly retarded classes.
Boy was that dumb of me.
When it came to school and trying to have friends, I made having friends a top priority. I attended a group that helps out with sustainability on campus along with another group that specializes in campus entertainment and puts on shows for free. It was fine and everything, but I didn't really make the kind of friends that I wanted. I also went into it thinking that I would find a cute guy somewhere in the works.

Needless to say, UF got uglier, and I, more sad about that prospect.

But returning to where I was going, I grouped myself with trying to fit in everywhere and was the token outcast of every group.
I was the omnivore with the vegetarian/vegans
I was the one who liked alternative with the indie freaks
I was the one still dressing up as a skater girl (which I am now changing, I am tired of looking like a sixteen year old. Ugh. Thank you mom for the beginnings of an altered wardrobe to only increase in its fashion sense) amongst the overly/under-dressed
I was the communication major with the political science major
I was the politically indifferent/ignorant with the driven politically
I was the not-so-punk with the punked out crusties
I was the straight girl with the gay guys
It was pretty lame. I tried so hard to fit in.

But unlike many who do try, I didn't fail.

I did fit in. My overall being pushed me into those circles and they accepted me as well as any group would in an atmosphere like that. I was happy.
I became an almost socialite (at least in my head)
There were parties and people, but I only kept one thing in mind.
Guys.
Would there be guys? Would they be cute? Would they be straight (this one takes priority)?

Whatever my motivation was, I spent too much time trying to make it to the party than just buckling down and studying.
But I think I can get over that and over myself on this one. There is no point beating a dead horse.

I lived. I learned. I will carry through with what I have learned and put it into my future actions. Next!


I have learned that parties are fun, but in excess, either the parties themselves or the amount of any drug consumed, can make for chaotic often regretful situations or just lame individuals.

Ugh. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to you.
I hate weed. I hate what it does to you.

I can be pretty sure that that has been a good reason to why, despite my advanced activity, I have not been putting off the pound pudge. I suppose that and midnight snacks with friends don't help any either.

I can be sure that half of the action I managed to get guy-wise was because of induced inebriation.

I hate how stupid you get. I hate how I become the joke at the party of gay guys (which I will now not go to as often, because that really seals the deal of 'not getting any' unless it's another drunk gay) and they provoke you in your drunken stupor to drink more.

So I'm done with it. Not completely of course, that would be hysterical. Two drinks MAX... ugh just remembering my stupid antics..
I remember going to Sal's 21st birthday and completely getting trashed. No one needs to deal with that.

I get out of hand without any stimulants/depressants. What am I thinking ingesting such things?

But with that out of the way, I also hate what weed does.

I did it once again, when I was drunk. Go figure.

But occasional use is fine. Especially in the cliche of experimental use in this stage of life. But the group of friends which I had seriously got attached to the substance.

It became a monthly thing.
Then every time we would get drunk.
Then about once a week.
Until it was every time that there was free time or they did something to amplify the sensation of awesomeness.

It got lame really quick.

I don't like it because I have had an instance of having a short term boyfriend replace me with his use of weed. He had to get high to see me. That was pretty lame. He was dumb. He was stupid. I hated that dick head. He is probably off in an alley doing crack and selling himself.
I hope he is.

I also don't see a point in using it. You just dumb yourself down or chill yourself out. It's pointless to me...

ANYWAY, back to the point. They ultimately dissected themselves from hanging out with us, and when they did see us, they were high.
They also got really grimey and I'm sure didn't bathe. Making needless trips to obtain random drugs and taking even harder stuff to feel good.

It's a shame, even more so because of their depression and low self-esteem they managed to completely alter their priorities for their next "fix" (if you will).

Things won't be the same. I know they won't. I'm okay with that though.

I've learned change just keeps happening. I shouldn't fight it, just go with it and make the best of what I can with what it gives me.

I know that was pretty lame, but it's different when you figure it out for yourself. Even if it is a constant discovery.


I have struggled with the notion that I really don't need a boy (or girl) to make me happy, and
that I should be focusing on myself.

I do, but I don't.

I want one. But not to marry.
I want one. But not to weigh me down.
I want one. Sometimes.

I just get lonely sometimes. The things that I want to do are often replaced with my friends finding other, closer individuals, who, because of proximity, personality or just the fact that I am the type of individuals who seems to be disposable, has someone else to do it with.

I guess its on me. I've been spoiled over the summer with Bianca always calling me and trying for my attention. But I realize that now I have to be the one that makes that effort. Otherwise I'm going to be alone for a lot longer than I want to be.

Of course, the preliminary notion is based on friends and activities with friends, but I wouldn't need to rely on friends so much if I had one constant, attractive, awesome, individual who was there consistently.

And hence, the ideal of the boyfriend comes in. And why I want one.

But with the drama. The frustration. The lack of attractive nature in this year's bunch. I know in essence I am better off withholding from obtaining one.

If I could.

I mean, I could. But it is the usual game of I like, they don't or they like, but I don't.
First of all. It's horribly frustrating. You end up led on with false impressions (fuck you Josh). Or some other random negative thing.

Besides. All the guys in this stage just want to hit it and quit it. Use, abuse, and lose it.

Which I can understand myself.
I've had many suitors come after me and I didn't fall through the cracks because I didn't think I should have settled. I still don't think I should settle. (I am after all, the entire package...hehe)

Not being able to obtain a guy with the same mentality that I have obviously makes it difficult.
I mean it also makes it difficult if a guy still has his v-card (WHICH SO MANY GUYS DO).

Besides. I'm going to law school out of this fucking state. There is no way in hell I would need to go through another heart breaking breakup


I have a lot going for me. I don't need a boy to slow me down...

I have struggled with my retched weight gain and am still trying to do something about it, but i'm still attractive. I shouldn't let that keep me down. I am awesome.

Yea. I feel like such a fatty. 130. The last time I weighed this much was in my freshman year of high school, five years ago. What happened? Who knows.

I am working on bettering myself. Cutting back on late night snacks. Less drinking. Running and swimming. Muscle building.

It took me six months to put on this weight. It will take me probably six to take it off.
I've done it before. I can do it again.

I just don't want to do it again.

It was subtle. But what really took me over was summer time. I let myself go. I will never take another four months off again. That is way too long.

I would have worked on it as I got into school, but with my breaking my arm preventing me from swimming and my increased drinking tendencies out of hand into the eventual eating at midnight then sleeping, it was not likely that I was going to lose any weight that way.

I'm working on it. That's what matters.


So how are things now


Good. I've spent the entirety of my short-lived break sleeeeeping and doing nothing.

Which is good. I don't care to go out much. I'm happy just playing video games and relaxing. I know once I get back to school I am going to go full steam ahead.

I managed an internship at the area's chamber of commerce and am super excited.

I have classes that actually interest me and cannot wait to indulge in their knowledge.

I hope things turn out different. I know they will, but I hope that this semester goes a bit better.

Not to say that the last semester ultimately blew hard. Just, it had its rough patches. Mainly the guy issue and the school issue. I can work on school. But guys, well that's all up to fate, now isn't it?

I obviously haven't been posting frequently for that matter because I have been busy.
Maybe next semester will be different...


For your enjoyment.

Cherry Coke Will Do That To You

Wide awake when I should be sleeping. I had eel rice bowl and a massive cherry coke. DELICIOUS, might I add. Served to me by a cute guy. I take cute guys for what they are - eye candy. And like candy, they look so good, but so bad for your health.

Speaking of health, I didn't have enough time to even exercise today. I know, the blasphemy in such a statement, I should be damned to Hell. I've had so much to do lately. Today consisted of going to class, napping, studying, taking a quiz, going to dinner, going to a friend's apartment, coming back to shower, going to a group meeting, procrastinating, studying and now staying awake. Yesterday was along the same lines of busy, and it will be like this for at least the next week...I need to start up on my speech for my public speaking class along with studying for my criminology class. Classes are starting to toughen up, and activity groups are finally starting to buckle down.

Fuck this cast. Seriously. It's gross. It's itchy. It's smelly. It needs to go...dammit. I really miss swimming so much. I hate being a few pounds overweight, and it hardly affects me, but the point of the matter is, I miss swimming. Biking is amazing, but i miss having awesome obliques. Poo

Anyway, because I have been really busy, I am actually relatively happy. I applied to be on the entertainment board at my school and got in. I was really happy. I am in the band committee and pretty much aced the interview. They had asked me if I go to shows, I pretty much listed all of what I did this summer. They asked me band names and I listed randomly the cranberries, which one of the interviewers liked. I knew I had the position.

I've also been getting involved in the sustainability sect of the extra curricular activities. I'm pretty much doing as much publicity as possible for the groups I'm in. They have this sustainability hut which i was trained for, if you want to call it that, and plan on helping out with it. I also plan on spreading the word, since I am in the outreach part. Just trying to do as much public relation related things.

My friend "Gina" has invited me to be a part of the Human Rights Group.
Fucking Gina, I haven't heard from her in sooo long. I thought she died off. But she lived on and now lives off campus. It is pretty weird, but I love how she called me and how we reconnected like nothing. I also love how much we have to tell each other. I really missed her.

I am making my social rounds and I feel like I'm doing an okay job. I try for the most part to be open, but once this cast comes off, I'm definitely doing some athletic type things, like going on hiking trips or something along those lines. Who knows, I just pray that I don't need the cast for ANOTHER 6 weeks. That would be pretty ridiculous. And I would probably kill myself.
It pains a bit, so I'm pretty scared that I did something to it and it still might be broken. Stupid bad circulation. You would think that by moving it around you would be able to at least get some blood flowing to fix the stupid bone. Whatever.

As much as I might be making new acquaintances, I need more friends to hang out with. I want to go places and do things, but I really don't want to go by myself.
But I guess I'm going to start. I mean, after college, what do i have? Just a world with lackluster jobs and inactive zombies. Lovely right? So I need to start up with doing things for myself.

I'm surprised to be writing in such a good mood. Lately I've been kind of down and feeling a bit alone. I guess it might have been the hormones after the monthly cycle that occurs with us women. Gotta love menstruation.

In the guy department- I made out with a guy at a party. I did it because it was kind of a dance party and I got carried away with it. Pheromones are horrible. I don't care about the kid. I just did it to do it. Got away with it. Love it.
No one really takes my fancy. It kind of sucks. and the ones that do appeal to me, of course they like the blonds with big boobs or gay. Not much I can do in either department...well I could, but I would look just as bad as some of the girls I see around here who really need to rethink their look.
There is this one guy that wanders around the plaza, I need to find out his name. He is such a spiffy dresser, cute too. I'll approach him tomorrow I suppose.

I saw She Wants Revenge, and met them. Epic day.
I got an industrial piercing. It seems to be doing well...just as long as I don't get those nasty bumps. I go home this weekend, so I can only wonder what the reaction will be to them. I surely can't hide them forever, especially when I am getting my hair trimmed.

Things are going, which is what I need.
I hope that the next bump in the road is minor.

We'll just have to wait and see.

For your entertainment

Official Crush

I thought there was something wrong with me. There might be. But I've been better. There was a bit of depression, but I managed to get over it. I thought that I was all lonely and all that crap, and the truth is, I am. My friends, I can't tell which are true and which aren't (well...I know two individuals have proven themselves without a doubt) but I guess I just have to live life like that. It kind of sucks, but I guess that's why they tell you to treasure your youth. I say I have.

I don't know why I've been bitching about that kind of shit. I've been out partying.

Alot.

Last weekend I went to four parties in two days. Labor day weekend I went to Lucy's party, hung out with friends, and went to a show. Then hung around my awesome group of social outcast friends.

The last party of the weekend before labor day was pretty intense. I remember a lot of wine and we ended up going to a club that jams out techno beats. We were all pretty plastered. I remember making out with two girls and one of their boyfriends. Pretty intense. Bianca asked me if I enjoyed making out with the girls, I told her I was too drunk to care. The boyfriend... I had some sort of attraction to, but it just kind of screws up the group dynamic. He told me that he finds me attractive and if he didn't have a girlfriend he would have gone after me. Which is great, obviously flattering...but now I have to be a bitch to him and completely avoid him, because I don't want his girlfriend to think i'm after him. YAY DRAMA

Lucy's party was fun. I didn't get smashed like the initial time (it was my second party of the weekend before labor day weekend, and I was feeling kind of blue, I decided to have two shots of desorona, two of gold schlogger on top of the already consumed shot of tequila and cranberry and vodka. Needless to say I passed out). I met a few people. I remember only a few. I stuck to this guy who was practically seven foot. I litterally attached myself to him for a good while. He wanted to flirt with the girlies, so I decided to leave because all i need is psuedo rejection to kill my buzz. Sam, one of Lucy's friends, was drunk and pretty much was spitting game...I had attended a summer party of Lucy's back home and was in a toga, because that was the theme. He had told me in his drunken stupor that he thought that the hot pink toga with hearts and cross bones on it was sexy and he wanted to bang me. Flattery, of course. I just wanted some flattery. :)


Lately I've been trying to keep myself occupied socially and physically...since I can't swim. Rawr.
I've been doing well. I work out every now and then, and I have of course, been stuffing my face in. I ate a medium pizza just to see if i could. I could, along with two lava cakes. So bad for you, but so good tasting.

I managed to get sick. It was a crappy three days. It was strep throat (gee, I wonder where I could have gotten that from?) The people in charge of my dorm's saftey came in and told me to avoid all contact with public. Swine flu and all that rubbish. Nope. Strep throat. Lovely.

I've been going to Krishna lunch and talking to people. It's been pretty good. My gays go out there. That makes me horribly happy. Evan is my head gay. He rocks my socks pretty hard. I also have the vegetarian/vegan friends that I met last year while I was working for the Krishnas.
But since I am no longer employed, I am able to roam freely. Liberating feeling of enjoyment. I get most of my social interaction through Krishna Lunch.

I have had a few guys coming on to me. I haven't been feeling it. There is one that could have acted maybe last year, I would have totally taken him up on his offer...but for whatever reason, I'm not interested. Another is handicapped, and as horrible as I say this, that is a massive detterent. It's not that I don't sympathize the handicapped, my dad is legally blind and hard of hearing. I know a thing or two of having to deal with people that have disabilitie--physical, mental, emotional, whatever. It's just... I see what my mom goes through. It's really tough stuff. I'm not a caretaker, and I'm pretty selfish, I wish I had the compassion to see another way...but I am unable to. It also doesn't help the guy that I am not physically attracted to him.

But then.
I met a guy.
Well, finally managed a conversation with him. I've seen him a many times last year
and I informally established my existence to him when I saw him walking towards me with a frown and told him to smile. I had just seen him so many times go through the lunch line. I do that sometimes, tell people to smile, I get it from my mom, she does it to me all the time.
Then I introduced myself to him when I was serving Krishna Lunch, when I worked for them. We shall call him Seth. I found him on my way to my dorm one day, as I was escaping a bad conversation... and actually had a conversation with him. He's very built, it kind of deters me, I like them skinny, but I guess I need to lower my standards if I find some attraction to him. He's half Pakistani, but looks like he could be Greek. He is a real spiffy dresser. But from my experience in those that are Pakistani, they have a tendency to have a massive sense of style.

I am kind of crushing on him. I don't want to get too excited. But it's been a while since I've crushed on anyone. I feel kind of weird. I'm trying not to get overly obsessive and I want to get him out of my head. Replace him with our university's star quarter back or something. I can't guarentee that he's not gay or taken or even interested in me.

He's real smart...double major and double minor.
I wish I had his work ethic.
He plays the trumpet.
UGGGGHHHHHHH, it will end in disaster, and I shouldn't stalk him or become overly weird.

I just need to tell myself:
I don't want anything
I don't want anything
I don't want anything.


Eventually I'll believe myself.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll just take it one at a time.

A New Cast in Life

I don't have my school books yet, this makes me sort of nervous and anxious. I've never been one to hold out until the last minute, but I guess I really don't have much of an option at this point.
I bought them from Amazon.com, but I'll have to wait a good week before I manage to get anything.

Man do I miss swimming.
I had to get re-casted. Boy was it fun to get a cast that almost dislocated a finger and pinched my arm fat...which by the way the doctors had fun messing around with. I laughed and was like, please stop.

today was socially productive in the fact that i was flirting with guys and talking to new possible friends. love it.

i dont have much to say other than i'm loving having all of these plans. its pretty hardcore.
Meeting all these people is also cool.

I just have to remind myself to keep focused in school.

I have so much going on this weekend. I hope I can do it all.

We'll just have to see.

first week back

so pretty much i broke my wrist.

I'm pretty sure it was Tuesday I decided to go over to the Krishna house and see the people. I grabbed some grub and hung out with the old krishna peoples...too bad I don't have a job. That blows, but I guess it's god's way of saying that I need to move up and move on with bigger and better things.... or at least I hope so. I fucking need a job. This sucks.

And I've been offered two jobs. But I'm unsure of how legitamite the jobs I have been offered are. I find out about one of them this wednesday. which is the same day of the job fair amongst other things.

Later that day I rode down and met up with Sal and her friend.

And then after that, things kind of just went downhill for that day.

I was riding my bike down a hill, and was gaining a good amount of speed. My brand new bikes brakes work really well and as i braked, the front brake over powered me and bucked me right off my bike where I flew over my handle bars. I landed on my left side and my wrist was the brunt of the impact.

Whatever. Then after doing random things and looking for some wrapping, I ended up with the cops, a firetruck and the paramedics at my presense.

whatever.

the week i've been hanging out with my small group of friends and just drinking. I would get into the details, But i really don't care enough.

I'm just tired. I want school to start already.

College Adventures

Just a hell of a way to start.

I was woken up by my mother at 3:30 in the am. Which was expected, but for whatever reason there is a lack of empathy, or even understanding. I tried going to bed early. I honestly did. But I was awaken by calls from Ari about some uneducated person's actions at a dinner...

Side-note: The night before I had gone out with some old friends (and some new ones). We were all gathered the Habatchi grill and watching the man do his magic tricks. "Rose" came and sat down. She didn't talk much and was rather introverted. She pretty much was rude and inconsiderate by not saying anything. Sort of bratty. Either way I made a new friend and was glad to see that my old friends still tell me I haven't changed. I love to hear that- I really don't want my personality to change.

I really don't mind receiving information of that matter. I love to listen to stuff like that. I'll be the first one to say DISH DISH DISH. Then some guy I've known for a really long time from California insisted that I move to California.

I only managed about two hours of sleep. So enough said. So I got up. I unpacked. I was left without groceries...Again. LAME. whatever.

I finally settled down.
I have no idea who is in town. So I pretty much just started texting everyone I could possibly know.
I was surprised the amount of people that answered and were interested in hanging out with me...but weren't in town.
Blah.

In the end I ended up hanging out with "Geoff" He is a guy I met up in the library one day and we just hit it off. Friendwise of course, he explicitly told me that he has the ability not to get attached and if he were able to manage to feel one way about a girl in Europe, he could here...but if he were to ever show OBVIOUS interest I would not deny his advances. He is a very good looking and smart individual. I appreciate the fact that he tells me this.
I like it when a guy tells me he isn't looking for a relationship. It just makes it easier for me to NOT PURSUE. All I need is the underlying condition of NOT INTERESTED, whether it's because they do not have the same feelings or because they really don't want to be weighed down, I feel nothing anymore. It's the same effect of finding out a guys is gay. I lose interest and pretty quickly.
Geoff invited a few people over and I rather enjoyed their company. I was pretty oblivious to Geoff and couldn't really tell if he was flirting with me or not. I just took it as not to be precautious. I did find interest in one of his roommates. Geoff kept emphasizing that they were cousins (now, whether this is true or not, I have NO idea). "Diego" was cute. Smart. Ambitious. He had a nice butt. I don't know if he was flirty but managed to carry a conversation with me, I noticed him me look at me, but never really knew if it was coincidental or not...and he could possibly be gay (which really wouldn't surprise me, I do like them gay.) I inquired about him and still am waiting for a response...at this point it's just to make another contact. Even if he has no interest for me or is gay. Either way, he did give me some information and I did learn somthing that day, I learned that there are actual tornaments that involve rock, paper, scissors.

I would die happy being in one of those things. haha.

The group played a drinking game that was called Maow...I am unsure of what the acutal spelling is, and unaware of playing the game other than laughing hysterically at the people who get incredibly pissed off. We also played "fuck the dealer" quite interesting to see what these games held.
Later we watched some tv and then departed. It was a good night. I'm glad things worked out the way they did.

That day I decided to not eat beef and pork. At least for the semester. I'll see how it works. It was just a random whim and I plan on carrying one with it.



Today was just a cluster fuck of misadventures.

I woke up today and I don't remember what I did for a good part of two hours as I woke up.
I managed to meander my way through the office in charge of school ID's. I managed to lose mine towards the end of last year. That's always fun.
It seems that everyone else had the same idea.
I was pretty fucked over in the looks department. I just threw on a shirt and some jeans and hardly managed my hair, once I step out into the humidity, all hell breaks loose.
I didn't realize I had to take my picture to get it replaced.

God, did I look like utter shit. Oh well.

From there I hopped on a bus and went straight to go buy my bike. I think my bike is pretty beast. It's a 26'' schwinn tourist for guys. I didn't give a fuck, I knew that was the bike I wanted when I saw it. It is fucking amazing and makes me happy as hell. So I got the bike and the bike lock, and on my way out i needed to adjust the seat so I grabbed a swiss army knife because I needed a screwdriver to fix it. I also figured its multipurpose nature would give me something to open the fucking packaging from the bike lock.
Little did I know that the damn knife itself is packaged with impossibly impeneratrable plastic.
I was sitting outside the store and some old lady sits next to me to have a smoke. As i was fretting around with the packaging, I finally asked her to borrow her lighter and burned the plastic open.
Gotta love kickass OMG I GOT IT moments like that.
So get it open, then I start to undo the packaging from the bike lock, carelessly, and then I cut myself.
I shanked myself.
So I sat there. Bleeding. Applying pressure to the wound. Then some two other women come by (at that time, the other older woman was creeped out by the way her lighter was used and got up and left) and were concerned. They tell me to go and get a band aid from the guest services.
I look at them and tell them, "I would but I don't want to leave my stuff here"
With sympathy, they tell me that they will watch my stuff for me. I trusted the old ladies. So I go into the store and pretty much cut everyone. I look at the guy behind me and tell him, "listen, I don't want to cut you, I just want a band aid." He glanced at my hand which was virtually soaked in blood and nodded. I managed to get the bandaid, washed the cut and went outside and gathered my things.

I then stopped by Publix and bought a few groceries. Pretty dumb on my part for buying so many groceries. I had trouble riding home with the massive amount I bought and opted to just grab the bus back to campus. I couldn't find my ID and was left to pay out the 1.50. I reorganized my groceries so that it wouldnt be so massive and somewhere along the way I had lost my salad dressing...Even then it was quite difficult to ride it. AT that point I just walked my bike to the Journalism building and locked it up to retreive it later.

I went with salto do some errands. then just hung around and biked around.


I met up with Lewis. He's a pretty cool guy, just completely clueless when it comes to anywhere about getting laid. I'm surprised I can talk to him without a problem. I usually have so much difficulty... I guess it's because I see him everywhere. If I didn't see him i'm pretty sure I wouldn't even try.... Whatever.




I've been offered to jobs. Both are online based. I'm not too sure how it will work out, and I'm still applying for other jobs, but I hope I manange to get something flexable. I really would like to be able to swim. But I live RIGHT THERE from the gym, so i'm sure it wouldn't be that hard.

Oh well. Let's hope for the best, right?

For your enjoyment.

Cock Blocking Tendencies

I finished my internship. I don't think I could have been happier.

The thing is- I was stressing about getting a job. Finally got a job. And then finding out that the job is a mass corporation of people. Which isn't all that bad, but there is no meshing. I was pretty much the odd ball out. I was the youngest. Probably the poorest (not saying I'm poor...just not as well off as other individuals I know) I was Hispanic, and most of my interactions were with white people (not that I have anything against the white people, if anyone knows me, they know that I'm very partial to that ethnic group). I was either smarter or not as smart as the individuals I had to deal with. It was incredibly frustrating. That and I had to be on the constant look out for unstimulated projects. I only got close to "Violet", and even then, she wasn't any of the higher up positions. I felt pretty down on myself and probably ate my feelings away.

I immediately lost weight the moment I stopped working. I know that sounds pretty dumb, but I did. I managed more sleep, wasn't snacking as much due to stress...I've pretty much lost the five pounds I gained while working. Granted I still have probably another ten to go before I go to the ideal weight, but I'm working on at least another five to be perfectly okay with myself.
I never want to have a job if it means weight gain.

Things are working out. This makes me hopeful and anxious for the good things to start.
I'm excited to go back and see the people I made friends with, the people I met to be better friends with, and making new friends. I definitely won't have another opportunity like this. I'm one year done, and I have three more to go. It's sad to know that time goes by so fast, but that's why I have to make the most of every moment.

And I will. :)

* * *

This sucks though. I have to pretty much hunt down for a job once I get back into school... Or at least in December. Calls up the wazzoo and sending my resume left and right. Well...at least it will guarantee what I will be doing for the summer. I was really lucky to be given my internship.

The guy that helped me out with my internship will be referred to as "Stuart." He is my angel. He is in charge of the 2012 class concerning scholarships. Since it's a renewable scholarship, we have to reapply every year and interview every year. At my last interview they had asked me what I was doing that summer and I, nearly about to cry, my eyes filled with water almost about to burst, told them I had applied to literally forty, if not more, places and had been searching for something to do over the summer. The panel replied that they would help me get a job.

The next day I get a call from the staff recruiter concerning a job interview. I was stunned. I then told my ex boyfriends mom and she told me that a man whom I met before to talk about the possibility of going to Brown knew some of the shareholders. He recommended me on top of that. Score for me.

Either way, I was INCREDIBLY grateful to Stuart, I have no idea how I would be able to repay him.

* * *

Today was the scholarship luncheon. I invited Ari, because I felt like she would be able to enjoy a free lunch, even if it was just okay. But free food is free food, so no complaints on my part. So we sat next to a girl who I knew back in elementary school. "Carol" has been a really sweet sociable person, and I like talking to her mom, because she doesn't understand English and I am able to speak Spanish with her, which I know I can always brush up on those skills (the one thing I know I did when I was talking to "Alberto" the custodian at work).
So we sat and I chatted to Carol, then come this stunningly beautiful man. I eyed him up and down. He was checking me out (totally caught him! I would look down and looked back up with a smile and he averted his eyes TEEHEE). He was tall, nicely built, blue eyes (all I need, blue eyes and a nice smile, I remember telling that to Jake. I wonder if he ever picked up on the obvious pickup...), blond hair-- the typical American boy (haha, I know it's hypocritical, me discussing how I have to compete with the typical American girl, but I can't help that this boy was gorgeous) His name was "George." George mentioned something about to a sitting board member about his school, and like a switch I squeal our mascot and he looks at me with that big wonderful smile and asks if i go to his school. I said yes, obviously, and we started to discuss the usual major, school experience, possibly jobs...and like most guys I know he ends up talking about himself.

Side-note: Guys never ask stuff about me. Which is fine, I don't mind it. If anything I prefer it that way, I manage to get more control over whether I rebuff or accept advances, but isn't the job of guys supposed to be making the girl talk about herself? When did that change? I guess these types of things change with the level of arrogance.

He's a mechanical engineer, he worked designing air plane seats for the rich and fabulous of the friggin world. I was pretty impressed. So we continue talking and then some big fat ho comes in and sits between us (it was a circular table and we were sitting across from each other) and completely interrupts our conversation. He was then saying things to me, but without specifically stating that they were questions to me, and so she answers them.

Side-note: I later told Ari, "I love how that ho completely cock blocked us." She responded, "I know, I saw your face." I laughed, because I know how transparent I am. I wonder who else noticed, you know just for kicks.

So the incoming freshmen go up to accept their awards, and then sophomores, which I am a second year, but with about as many credits as a junior, that's not the point of it. They have us go up and tell the audience about ourselves and answer a question. Which I love to do. The sophomore's questions was what advice would you give to the incoming freshman- I mentioned to get as involved as possible, get to know the people around you and your surroundings. Stuart is in charge of our class, as I mentioned before, and he was handing out the scholarships. I went in to shake his and and bent over to whisper something to him.

"Thank you so much for the internship, you have no idea how much I appreciate it."
I've always wanted to do one of those lean-in whispers. It makes you look official. I always see the president do it. It just seems so high brow. I friggin love it.

I sat down and George looks at me with his flattering eyes and smile and said, "that was nice." If only he was a pursuer.

The lunch continued on and ended. Afterward people came around to talk, George came and found me. I found out where he lived in the town. A bunch of people came and I noticed a few people I wanted to talk to, old friends really. I excused myself to talk to them and then we took picture. I couldn't find him afterwards... I was a bit upset. But I guess he just wasn't that into me or misinterpreted my actions. Sadness. If it was meant to be, I'll find him at school.
I doubt that though, seeing as he is an engineer major.

Then Stuart approached me and I thanked him a billion times. He is so humble and sweet. I wish to find a man like him in my life that I can marry.
" I know you wanted to do something in law...and I know it wasn't the most challenging of work," he mentioned.
"You have to start somewhere," I interrupted with a smile that was plastered on my face.
I thanked him even more.

Then came another cock block move, in the sense of brown nosing. By this I mean I was excited to finally tell him how much I appreciated his minor effort in my summer, which made a MAJOR contribution. And here comes some dumb BROAD, probably eavesdropping here and there thinking I'm thanking him for the scholarship. So she comes up and pretty much thanks him for the scholarship.

I'm the type of person to sense the ass kissery upon first instance. Most people will be able to not even notice. It sucks to be so aware of people sometimes...Anything anyone tells you about me, I promise you their first words will be far from "ass-kisser" or anything related to that sense. They will say, shallow, self-centered, high maintenance, and sometimes selfish. Qualities which I acknowledge despite their connotations (I'm pretty self aware). So when I make an effort to be appreciative and thankful of what you have done for me. It's pretty apparent that I'm being genuine. It just felt so tainted having the 'talented' ass kisser refute my efforts and make them seem like it was just a ploy to get ahead in the social ladder.

I work my way up, not pile a bunch of shit and hope to get there that way.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be so aggravated if this Broad didn't blindly and with unjustified ignorance insult me at a party.
At a party she found out my National background, and asked, "Are you Mexican?" I responded yes. I have no problem telling people and feel no shame for being Mexican, just detest the stereotype that many portray with being Mexican. I'm more Spaniard/Basque than Native Mexican (hardly a percentage), but my family did reside in that area, and therefore I would be Mexican.
She then replied, "Then why aren't you out mowing the lawn right now?"

Ignorant Prejudiced Bitch.

Of course I stormed out of the party and was soon comforted by my ex-boyfriend. The host apologized for her. She didn't even apologize herself.

Here's the Clincher: She was Cuban.

The host suggested that I could make fun of her for that. But I've had amazing Cuban friends. Even if I didn't have amazing Cuban friends, I would never stoop low enough to throw someone underneath the bus and ridicule them in such a manner. It's petty and uneducated.

It just makes me feel better that she's gained a lot of weight.

Later I went with Ari to crash the beach, which conveniently was close by. We were out long enough for me to renew my tan. We talked. We hung out. I really love that woman. I sometimes worry that I won't have anything to tell her. But whenever we hang out, it's usually a nice flow of chatter. It always makes me happy when I think about it.
Then we crashed Jumba Juice. I had some amazing Blackberry smoothie. I died happy.

I love blackberries so much. I have no idea where this taste came from, but I simply adore the fruit.

We then closed the hangout to continue it later with a trip to the water park. Hope all goes well with that.



For Your Enjoyment.

Bloody Tattoo

For whatever reason I've been out and about. This Wednesday I saw The Orphan... and rather enjoyed myself.

I was the stereotype at a horror/thiller movie. I was screaming, I was talking with "Ryan" throughout the entirty of the movie, I was super impressed by Bianca's ability to completely avoid our conversation. It got to the point that the entire movie theater was communicating with each other indirectly.
The people in the back would mention a comment or two and me and Ryan would get a chuckle out of it and vice versa.
It was a small group, since it was the middle of the week, so I guess we had more leeway when it came to hushed talking. I'm pretty sure a crowd would be upset. That and the age group of the individuals who happen to be in the movie were relatively young.
I really got into the movie, it was something I cannot remember doing before. I guess because I had the ability to talk, because I had someone who also was willing to talk about the movie (he was hispanic and probably could better relate to when it came to inserting our comments, I think if anything, he started and I just followed suit). I would scream "YEA TAKE THAT" or "CMON MAN" and no one said anything. No one chastised me. I rather enjoyed myself.

Later was a trip to Steak 'n Shake and we all ate, and then hung around in the parking lot where I decorated Bianca's car with a much needed "Penis" on her dirt infested car.

Good Times.

Death By Nagging - an explanation of sorts

Four months being home.

Yea, I thought it was going to be fun.
Fuck me for being so naive.

Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed all of the social experiences, the new friends I've made, the friendships I've secured even more and the shows I have gone to. But all in all the one major thing I can say that has tarnished my summer experience would be my mother.

First off, it was probably not in my best interest to go as soon as possible. But I had friends aching to been seen so I decided to go home early. Not realizing the opportunities I was missing out on until too late. I left the same day I had my last exam.

Moving was a bitch.
Fuck me for thinking my family was going to be cooperative.

And that's pretty much when things started to go down hill, for whatever reason.

There were massive arguments with me and my mom. I wasn't really happy about leaving. I had finally gotten a good bunch of friends, I was stressed, and she decided to be a bitch. I guess my demeanor wasn't really helping, but what can I say? I had to pack and study. I was running on minimal sleep.

It was just back and forth with us, and my Older brother pretty much had enough. She was pretty much talking shit about me. How I've changed.

I really hate it when people say that. "How they have changed"
Really?
Did you expect time and circumstance to stay the same even though there are outside variables that give a person more experience, more perspective and more opportunity to grow and handle things themselves. Why do you expect a person to stay the same?
I've been getting this shit all summer. You've changed, I don't know who you are! You never keep in touch! You disconnect from the family!

No, the only person I can't stand is her (and you'll see why in a few). My older brother talks to me and my younger brother talks to me just fine. Everyone cannot stand her. It seems pretty unanimous.

I think the thing that gets to her is the fact that she has no real control over me. That and the fact that when she does try to pull some 'mothering' I really don't care to abide by it unless its something simple. There was a good period of time that she would ask me twenty questions before I went somewhere. It was aggravating to deal with it. Especially since I'm just used to walking out the door without a hassle. Especially since before, it would just be where and who. Not, where and who, for how long, how have you met them, what is your status with them? What the hell, stay out of my personal life!

And that's the thing, she doesn't have a personal life, so I suppose she must feel the need to fill the void by living through mine. I'm her daughter, and yet I can eerily compare myself to those children who have to go through the beauty pageants...because their fat, untalented, ugly mothers didn't have that ability when they were younger.

So what does she do to fill the void? She goes through my personal belongings while I'm away. I'm always out of the house, I can't stand being there, especially when my mother is here. It just makes it easier for her to rummage.

I think she's just looking for a reason to fight. Looking for a reason to take someone down. At one point, after coming home at 3 in the morning with friends, perfectly sober (I come home drunk/tipsy earlier...you would think the other way around, hehe) she was in my room, pacing back and forth repeating the same thing over and over again. I was trying to ignore and get some sleep. She's fucking mental and needs medication...



So here is pretty much the rundown of what she thinks of me.

She thinks I do drugs. Which anyone will know that after inhaling one puff of whatever John was having at that party and completely freaking the fuck out and being high for like hours without end, I'm never doing that shit again.

She thinks I'm having sex with the entire neighborhood.
I have no fucking idea where she comes up with these elaborate plots. She seriously needs medication. I've only slept with three guys in my life. Now, I don't think that sounds slutty, or sleazy, but if someone else feels the need to correct me, by all means.
I know I have somewhere that I've slept over people's houses. I have done that. I'm not really too proud of that, and even though there was no sex involved, it was still a 'walk of shame' once I left. I think the fact that I didn't put out was good. The fact that I slept over, does kind of sound sleazy though, and the way I wrote in my PRIVATE JOURNAL, and i mean, with paper and pen and everything [this is ONE of the TWO reasons why I have a blog, why my name isn't on here, and why the names are altered, because if she knew, she would have a field day] makes it seem like I might have given in. We had several arguments about this.
Her argument is that I'm pretty. Yea, well everyone thinks their children happen to be the bee's knees when it comes in the looks department. But I haven't had any luck scoring with the guys (or girls for that matter). Not here, and not in school. So there really isn't much to worry about.

She also has gotten a hold of my facebook. She traded my brother the password for his facebook for the access to the household computer. She's been using his facebook to look at mine. She's been using his facebook to look at my stuff. I realized this when she started to obsess about facebook and my statuses.
It's not the fact that I care that she's is looking at my facebook, people i know less can see my facebook stuff. It's the matter that she went behind my back, like a stalker and is looking at my things. If someone was peeing into your window to watch you, you would pretty much find that creepy. But if you let them in the door, and keep your door open in a house with people that you know and for the most part don't care to show what you are doing, then you really don't care who sees you. At least that's how I view it. I deleted my brother, and she ended up confronting me about it.
To say the least, she was pissed. She was screaming at me and saying things like i was friend's with Bianca's mom on facebook. I told her she should get a facebook and then she could see the things everyone else is instead of sneaking around like a weird obsessive person.

She didn't talk to me for a good week.


More than anything. She has been hassling me about my weight.

I'll be honest. I'm 125. Ten pounds over what I minimally want to be. I've gained weight being at home because my brother and my dad grocery shop for JUNK FOOD. Even when I bought my own food IT WAS CONSUMED so there went a good portion of my money, and my plan was pretty much worthless. So I have been consuming the slop that they make (because GOD knows they can't cook for crap) and it's come to a point where I am fed up with tomato rice and pasta with either beef or chicken. There has to be more to life than just simpleton meals. (it makes me ache for the Krishna Lunch)
Every time, we get into it, she uses my weight as a way of getting back at me.
When she's pissed, she'll say i've gained weight. When I tell her I weigh the same as I did when I was in junior year of high school, she'll look at me and say that's impossible because I'm massive now. Every time I tell her that I've run a mile or biked in the south Florida heat for two hours and immediately after swam for a forty minutes, she tells me I shouldn't worry about those types of excersise and should focus more on doing sit ups and crunches so I can work the fat of my gut.

I've been pretty much overweight since the age of 8. That's when her cruel torture began.

At the age of 16 I was developing an eating disorder. At the age of 17 she was content with the fact that I was bordering 109 lbs. All I had to eat throughout the day was an apple and some popcorn for lunch. Maybe a snack. Maybe breakfast. Tiny portions of dinner. When I moved out (18), I had gained five lbs, more than anything in muscle because I was finally eating (mainly because Krishna lunch had cured the disorder, i like to think)

I know I need to lose weight now, but I really don't think it's as bad as she portrays it. I would swim in a semi Olympic sized pool three times a week when i was in school. That's a lot of cardio to make up for. Here i have probably what is an eighth of that to work with. Not only that, but I had control of what I was eating there. I didn't have a full time job. I didn't have a class with that full time job.

I'm working on it. The worst I managed to get this summer was 130 when i was starting up school and work. But managed to get it down to 125. Now my class is done with, so I'm hoping to at least shed another five.

I think what sucks most is that on a girl, muscle looks pretty bad. I bet some guys would love my ability to gain muscle. I have NO problem gaining muscle. But I don't look too good when I'm bulky.

Her and her menopause just amplifies everything. If I end up like that, I'm risking cancer and doing hormone treatment.

I hope things just work out.

With my mom. With my weight. With a lot of things.

For your enjoyment.

Queen of Last Minute crushes

It's not fair. And and all potential.

Gone.

Why?

Because I am the queen of last minute crushes.
What is a last minute crush might you ask?

Pretty much you get to know a person enough to know if you are interested in possibly pursuing something and if you know that the other person probably feels the same way. Sort of like a regular crush, except time, being a cruel reality, makes it impossible for you two to see if there might be more chemistry besides smiles and looks and giggly conversations.

Yea, there is facebook, email, texts, whatever. But if the boy doesn't know you enough and if you have not had enough time to make a valid impression.
So you're pretty much left with a last minute crush. Only with thoughts of possibility. I guess it can be good. Nothing taints your perspective on the individual...but if you're anything like me, or anything close to what I have been, it is kind of devastating.

I've been in a rut. After Lewis, the tragic unemotional fiend that thought he wanted something but realized he was to broken to even care, yet I sort of persisted with the idea of him because I was tired of being lonely...well after him I was on a relationship hiatus. I encountered many flirtables and a few I would have gone after...if it was exam finals week and I didn't have the idea to leave school as soon as possible (like an r-tard). "Daniel" was a cute guy who was on and off again talking to me. I remember our first encounter he was hanging out with Sal's friend "Kendra." They had a thing going on, but it turns out Kendra is bat fucking crazy. Either way, we ended up somehow talking bits and pieces. We met up at John's show, because apparently he was a mutual friend. We talked. I guess we kind of flirted. I know I was into him, and if anyone knows a thing or two about how I operate, it was BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that I was into him. We hung out but he had to leave. He let me borrow his sweater thing. I waited a few days before I ended up washing (the thing was dirty, I would have done it for anyone...I just felt that it was right to wash it because I had borrowed it) and giving it back to him. Then next thing I know I post the status message of me going home and he was like 'we need to hang out' and after jumping through hoops and stuff, we did end up hanging out. four in the morning. i thought there might have been possibility but that died. four months into a summer will do that to a person.
I am without a doubt doing summer a or b. I can't stay here that long.
Then there was "Jake" Ha. I remember the first time I met him. He was fucking DRUNK. He was hysterical. It was nice because he actually remembered me afterward, something which surprised me. We had conversations on and off. Then he started inviting me to his place to talk about things. He lived upstairs so I was for it. Last day, before my departure he invited me to watch a movie. I was still packing.

Just rawr.
That is just with school.

At work, he just left (as i wrote in an earlier entry). "Norbert" (hahaha, god if that was his real name I would laugh hysterically every time I would hear it).
I saw him around and had a random conversation with him every now and then, as it usually occurs. Then his last week of work we work together. I crush. I'm pretty sure he crushed. and now that he's gone. its nothing...

I'm incredibly upset with these pattern of events.

I just want something already. I guess now that I want something, there is nothing.
Norbert said if I was ever in Tampa to shoot him an email. But the likelihood of that happening is quite rare, if not imossible.

Whatever.

I don't understand this guy standstill. I have seemed to have lowered my standards.
No drug users to occasional drug users, meaning like parties...but i really don't want it to happen, but I am in college.
They can have some pudge...if their face and personality just fucking shine through.

That's pretty much it.

I don't know. I'm just anxious of what next school year will bring.

I don't know why I worry so much. It will hopefully all work out in the end.

Hopefully.



For your enjoyment.

warped tour.

All I can say is that it was epic.

My friend Ari and I ended up rained on.
We made friends with Mr. Sprinkles. He gave me a love tap on the butt. Some other weird horn dog was checking me out.
All the shows rocked. We were out for a while.

We got rained on. We ended up prancing around in our bathing suits. We both have been to enough outdoor shows to realize that if it rains, you're going to get wet. If it is sunny out, you're going to get sweaty and you're going to want to remove clothes. It's a multipurpose function.

I was walking around with not pants. She was talking around with her tank pretty much like a skirt, so for the most part shirtless (since the tank had transformed into a skirt).

The bands were pretty great, nothing that I really cared for, and the one I did care for, I only knew like two songs. It's all good.

We managed to get some stuff for free and just enjoyed ourselves. I think it was more of the experience than the bands that did the day for me.

I got a bunch of good looks.

I am happy.

Jealousy

How I wonder about it.

I wonder if my friends ever get jealous of me. I know I am an incredibly jealous person. If I could have the body parts and metabolisms of my friends I know what I would pick.

I would first of all keep everything on my head. I have a beautiful head. I have a pretty and unique face. My hair waves and is an amazing brown color (if I do say so myself). The only thing I might change would be my eye color. I have always been a sucker for different eye colors.

I would make myself taller. Being short has its disadvantages. For one, it's not normal to be 120 lbs. Anything over is considered pretty much overweight. I'm pretty athletic, so my excuse is that a lot of it is muscle. It's not a lie. I remember my friend "John" (remember I'm altering names) telling me at one point I had "thunder thighs" from swimming. I bashfully smile, the smile obviously was plastered at the remark. I like my thighs. I have beautiful legs. I would not change those. I would just want a longer torso. My torso is just a blob. I would want my friend "Bianca's" torso. She has an amazing rack and this uncanny ability to not gain any weight on her midsection. For that she sucks hard. She can keep her legs, they aren't toned at all. It suits her, but I like the athletic look when it comes to legs. I would want my friend "Ari's" nails. They grow like nothing. I would want my friend "Sal's" personality, she has this uncanny ability to attract people, despite her appearance which, in my appearance, has seen better days.

But this post wasn't really to tear people apart and demean them and hate them for what they have.

I guess I should be happy with what I have. I am. With some things at least.

It's all to hard to keep up with liking myself in the environment I am currently in.

I miss college. Incredibly. It was such a nourishing environment for someone like me. I can only sigh that going back (And hopefully staying back) is a few weeks away. I feel bad

But I regress to the point.

I wonder if anyone ever wants the features I could have. I, being as open mouthed and minded about any particular issue, have no shame nor issue with telling the individual: THIS is the body part that I would want if I could sculpt my body.

It's just a shame.

I grew up with my mother always on my ass about looking a certain way. Acting a certain way. I was in my "prime" 140. That was years ago, thankfully. But at every turn and even when I was just doing something, she would always be on my ass constantly persisting and insulting me on the way I looked. I was a still middle schooler at that point. Being told you're fat by you're own mother isn't the best way to go around of inspiring your child to do something for themselves. Usually that's how people go around and stuffing their faces into a nice plump mess. Of course I was never one to with the crowd.

More than anything I lost weight for myself. I felt better and have pretty much been an addict for any athleticism. Even now, I'm not too happy with the way I look. As stated before I would at least change the midsection. That's something that is always being nagged at by my mother, who is probably legit morbid obese for her size.

Maybe she does it because she doesn't want me to end up like her. Maybe she does it because she's like one of those horrible mothers that send their children into beauty pageants. Maybe she has a sick obsession about my welfare and doesn't recognize that she's doing more harm than good. The point is, with people that are like this in one's life, is it really difficult to believe that many aren't happy with their bodies?

I know. Everyone has heard some sort of argument about magazines and the models and how they make people feel inferior. I completely agree. They do. For whatever reason the fact that everyone sees them as goddesses makes regular short, tan, brunettes feel out of the loop.

It's all the publicity. I've never been really one to get up and carried away with it. But celebs power and influence, its a trait many would want to have. Having the whole world staring down at you and gawk. Sort of like Megan fox.
>>>I honestly don't know what her deal is. She has stunning eyes and that "mysterious look" but the fact that she seems to super glue her hair down doesn't cut the pretty factor for me. I see her and I just go, "eh." She was in a few Disney movies before she hit it big with transformers. Where was the "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS" factor there? I guess the fact that she was jail bait didn't really help her case in that situation, but Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen didn't really have much of a problem. They could be pretty...but God knows they need a sandwich or something to eat...

And no. I don't say that out of jealousy.

The same goes for Angelina, she isn't that pretty. Yes she has a rocking body that I would die happy to have (and honestly, I don't blame her for making out with her brother, he's pretty smokin')but chapped lips aren't that great.

I guess I'm just hating without a reason. They deserve their success. They act and earn their money, even if it is through superficial means.

I guess it's just what everyone wants. A way to look good and get paid for it.

It's hard to love yourself when you have so much going against yourself.

Even now, we have the whole "love your curves" movement. So even skinny people are getting the boot.

So. We are pretty much left to ourselves when alone (got to love the redundant nature on that one) to think about what we don't like. What the mainstream wants us to look like. So we look to our friends to see what parts they have that fits into what attracts guys through our vicarious relationship with celebrities and their personal successes with relationships or just flirting instances.

I never really sat back and asked myself, " I wonder what people would seriously love to have that is on me." It does sound vain (which is for whatever reason a bad thing?) but maybe, if it gets us by, we should secretly be asking ourselves that.

No one can completely be happy with their body. Even my friend with the rocking torso would love to have a nice butt. Something I have happen to have.

It's just hard to be happy with what we have. Especially in a society with more is better, and if you don't like the way you look something can be done about it or if you can't you live in a life where someone is nagging you or you are nagging yourself about your inadequate features.

So we revert to unobtainable jealousy. Life's crutch to what we don't have.

For your enjoyment

He was Gorgeous

Gorgeous.
Cute.
Amazing looking.
Hot (or Hawt)
Sexy.
Delicious.

Whatever.

I am probably one of the biggest victims that falls into this labeling category of the opposite sex. And probably one of the biggest enablers.

I'm shallow. My friends tell other people I'm shallow. It's a great deterrent, but not something that really helps to push friends into meeting another person, unless they themselves have a sense of self knowledge and are also shallow.

Frankly, I think I'm one of a few good portion of people who can get away with such traits and still be lovable (ahh, along with a pompous attitude, what else is there?)

Its just weird

I'm pretty attractive (if I do say so myself) but lately I've been victim of my surroundings.

I'm home for the summer from my massive, educated, and amazing college. In college I was wooed here and there by many suitors and just playful flirty banter by others. All was welcomed. Let me tell you I had no problem letting these individuals hand feed my ego. If I gained a few pounds, it was fine. There was still someone that wanted to bang my brains out.

My only problem was.

I didn't like them back.

There were a few I had interest in. I attempted relationships with. God that was just horrible. It was fragile and something massive destroyed the foundation of possibility, loneliness over came me and I came to my senses, or just the other individual gave up because I was trying to hard.

Fault needs not to be pinpointed.

I just don't know.

I hear of my Friend "Sal's" break up with "John." It's pretty harsh. John did her bad. They were in this friendship then relationship, then long distance relationship because Sal went away to study abroad, and they kept it up. John took me in under his wing and we hung out while she was away and I got closer to him as a friend. I saw him as an older brother as he introduced me to his friends and I made friends with his friends and experienced new things that I never thought I would (nor would I want to try again, another story for another time). I would often see him hanging around his ex and of course, I didn't have a clue that it was his ex, but they weren't doing anything according to him. If that's true or not, that is not for me to say and I'll just have to take his word for it. Regardless, they have been going on and off relationship wise. And I heard today they broke up.

Which is weird. They are really passionate people. And their personality types, He a hard core anti authority punker, and she a liberal, peace loving hippie, I don't know- They seemed to click. But I guess she did a lot of growing up, and he just wanted to go back to being single.

Which is the trend for a lot of guys in college...or at least my experience thus far. "Lewis" was the last guy I even bothered with emotionally. He was a hardcore hottie (in my book) and he was into me. But his indifference won him over as I tried to pull out every time what he really wanted. It was a hassle, and in the end, he was just a momma's boy that wasn't ready to commit to anything but listening to music, constant nerdy sessions of studying. "Jacob" was another luscious item on the man menu, but he opted out. I might have screwed that one up. I was kind of smothering... But I had just gotten out of a relationship and had no prior experience with dating. Sue me. "Ray" was someone who I just went with the motions. I ended up not wanting anything with it.

In the end I think it was a good thing that this summer that I managed to get a break from all the guy drama. But as things usually occur, I'm ready...But time has yet to catch up with my readiness.

I've been ready to start up with the whole flirting thing. Of course, I'm at a loss when it comes to finding a guy that there is an understanding of attraction.

The guys where my parents live...suck. They like the classic American girl.
I was speaking to my older brother as we were watching a sports show of his, and he mentioned how the blond reporter woman was "kind of cute." She was not at all cute. She was well maintained, clad nicely, but not attractive. Just another girl walking down the street (if you ask me).
It was at that point I looked at him and replied in an aggressive assertive tone, "That is not cute, pretty or hot. That is just the average typical girl that all guys go for. That is what I have to compete with." That is the type of girl guys around here are attracted to.

My roots trace back to the Mediterranean area, so I sport a nice tan, wavy brunette hair and rich brown eyes, and I guess to get more specific short and athletic. I have nice legs and a bubble butt.
Not what the typical guys go for.
At least not where I am now.
Which makes it difficult.

I now have to compete (while here) for the attention of guys that are chasing after blond, blue eyes, with tan skin, tall and for the most part lack an education.

Fuck my life.

The opposite (except the tan part) in every way.

I miss being the center of attention. Or at least the sideline of attention. I guess it doesn't help that these guys are just trying to get laid.

I went to a party. There were some good looking guys. All of them were not focused one me. They all zoomed in for the other chics. I don't know why that was. I know I had like two flirtations that night, but that's a low blow on my record. It could have been because I was drunk, but still. I've done better in worse conditions.

In the end one guy ended up without a date because one chic was a tease (who I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to be flirting with, that ho, haha)another guy ended up with a girl crying because she got out of a relationship with an ex and the same goes for another hot guy. Fuck them.

I did have a good time, but I was seriously stunned that none of them were interested in my beauty. It might sound egotistical, but I'm serious, I'm very unique looking...

Though there is this one individual who I AM CERTAIN had and INTENSE interest for me. BUUUUUUUT, he has a girlfriend. I would have gone after him, but I respect that situation. Plus, I've been in that situation where a couple has been together for a while and one had gathered an intense interest for me. I was hanging out at her apartment because I was friends with one of her roommates who had invited me over. He was pretty much following me around, in the end they fought at my expense.

It sucks to be in that position. If you find yourself doubting the person you are with, then just move on with other things. You don't have to settle. Which is why I can understand (now) why some guys don't want something permanently...

I mean, don't get me wrong. I like being single, but I would more than love to have someone to hug, hold, kiss, and be romantic with. I'm the type of person that actually yearns for that schmaltzy type of stuff to be honest. I really hate to admit it, but I really want to be close, passionate and emotional. At this point I really have a hard time that anyone my age can be like that.

I've been dabbling in the idea with the older crowd.
By dabbling I mean getting drunk with "Lucy" and "Ari" before a concert and hitting on "Lucy's" brother like a moron. He's 25ish. I don't know what his deal was, or how he felt about me (probably not interested...which would not be surprising given my location circumstances)but just the more I think about it I would like someone who is at least a few years of age on me.

I remember my first class of college in my first semester there was a fresh in grad school professor instructing us. I blatantly hit on him various time. He's the kicker- It was reciprocal! We never pursued... Don't know why... Pity. I did meet up with him the next semester and he was happy to see me. But had to attend a tutoring of a student, so it was short lived. Maybe I'll see him around.

Who knows.

I've been working in a professional area. I see all walks of men here. I see the older, the somewhat older, and the fresh out of college older... I like what I see. If there is anything after this in grad school, I have more incentive to be going there. The older ones are just...I really don't know how to describe it. Some are so well taken care of they still manage to retain their good looks, and with their professional wear, I feel like they are even more attractive. The clean look suits every man. I drool over the thought of it. I was helping the front desk out and this one witty British man had come up for an appointment and he was just scrumptious. I just wanted to eat him up. I'm pretty sure he felt the same, he made it evident to try to talk to me and waved bye to me, which many people (especially in the "high brow" place I work in) don't even bother doing.
Or even this summer associate that is working there. He is a bit pudgy (which I am normally against, with a passion) but has an incredible personality and is just amazing looking. I find that I give more leeway with people who have their lives together. I wonder why that is...it's probably the fact that they're similar in the sense of ambition and I can relate to that.
I saw him with another woman as I walked by his office. I'm pretty sure it was of some personal relationship. Good for him. He deserves someone...even though I want him for my self... as twisted as that probably is. Whatever, I suppose it's normal.

It's just that even if I do manage a personal relationship with someone older, I really wouldn't know how to handle something like that. I tried that with someone that was like a year older than me who was in school, had two jobs, had a massive truck, had pretty much a business ready for him to take over, was saving up for a house...and I freaked out. But it could have been that I didn't want a relationship at that point and felt sort of pressured by myself, my friend, and him to try to be into something. It could have been just him.

The thought of being with someone older sort of threatens me. I feel, in a sense, childish in comparison. I hate feeling like that. Granted, I'm pretty sure there are only a few people that prefer to be treated, seen, or even feeling like that...but with that individual, I felt so out of place. Like I should have been on his level, especially because he was only a year older than I was.

Maybe that's what the same aged crowd of men feel when they hang around me.

I've accomplished a lot in my life. From minute things to pretty big things, things that impress a lot of people. I guess that makes them feel inferior upon finding out. I'm not to sure about it. I just hope that things change once I go back to school. I do miss intimate moments.

This time around I won't jump at the first thing at grabs my attention, which I had...HAD a tendency to do. I've learned a lot thus far in my journey of life. Just have to continue playing the waiting game.

It worked for school.
It worked for a job twice.
It worked for social opportunities.

Maybe this time it will work in my favor again.



For your enjoyment.

7/24/09 Note: I am crushing so hard. It's sad to know that today is his last day. Oh well. At least you know what it feels like to want to persue again. :)

The First Intro Post

Yes. As you would Imagine. This is the first post.

This is the part where I tell you pretty much everything about me.

Just a girl.
With just a dream.
With a strong sense of morality...sometimes.
Who works hard.
Plays hard.
And always hopes for the best.
Even when life gets me down.

I'm not writing this to please anyone. Or to gain publicity or anything along those lines.
More likely I'll look back at this and wonder why I even started?

I have plenty of diaries. I have plenty of events going on. But more and more, I just don't feel like writing my thoughts out on paper. I feel like it takes too long.

I really don't know where I want to take this. I don't know if I want it to be insightful or just documentation of what I am doing.

In the end does it matter?

I don't want to sound like one of those angst filled depressive teens...but the truth of the matter is that I, like many other "bloggers", are going to try to get an audience. But that's okay if I don't get anyone to follow.

It can be my little secret.

As for my identity, my whereabouts, the people I hang out with. I'll try for the most part to alter their identities, but more than likely, as my expressive nature will reveal I am pretty translucent.

Again, this is for me. My sanity (more or less).

For your enjoyment.