This apartment thing has me incredibly stressed out.
I misread the contract and saw that if I don't get the grantor in soon, I'll lose all of my money.
All one thousand one hundred and fifty.
The funny thing is, at this point I really don't care...well obviously I do, otherwise I wouldn't be so stressed out, but I just wish my mom would have listened to reason, well my reasoning.
I'll give them a call tomorrow. I'm just freaking out about all of this. It's pretty much the same situation I was in when I left my laptop cord at home.
Ugh. They called me in the middle of Krishna Lunch and I freaked out.
Just thinking about it makes me all emotionally congested and now I just pray to god things get done a lot quicker. I wish they would have done priority mail. It takes four days for the mail to come in.
On top of that stress. I need to deny the application of two people seeking me out. I need to find a job in west palm beach. I need to find some stability in my life. I need to find a new bike tire because my other one exploded...who knows how.
I've been so crummy feeling..... I just want some change.
I need new friends.
I know I keep saying that but I really want it to happen.
I keep doing something wrong.
What am I doing wrong that I can't find these people?
Was I born to just be isolated?
If so, then what is this mental craving to meet new people and interact with them?
Not even new people. Just have more closer friends?
I feel that everything I say comes back to having a boyfriend.
Or girlfriend.
At this point I don't care.
I'd want a butch one though. Like that transgender in my feelings class. He's pretty hot. I knew he was a she, but was still attracted to him.
Or that one that was on the television for millionaire's club. She was pretty hot also.
I don't care.
They don't even have to be romantically involved. I just someone to do things with.
Sometimes I feel myself go and think about taking advantage of some people, like this kid who I hooked up with my freshman year. I dumped him and remained friends with him. He's crazy about me still.
It's not that he's a bad person. It's not that he doesn't have a good personality. It's not that he's not attractive. We just don't click.
He hugged me and spun me around. I didn't want to be dipped so I wrapped his legs around him. I think it got him a little swooned. He then kissed me. He's kissed me before. I just ignored it. Why make it a big deal? It was a peck on the cheek. But that's how I know he's crazy about me.
There are a few people i could name actually that are pretty crazy over me.
Him
some guy in the other city I went to
some guy back home
some guy who already graduated...
well that's only a few.
Probably a few more. Whatever.
Does it matter? No. I need to be focusing on my studies instead of just moping...but today just sucked so I had to emo it out.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Playing Catch up.
I'm debating if I should even bother with hiding the names. The only people that know of this are the ones that I trust.
As far as I know.
Things.
So many things have come through. So many things have happened.
I managed to start writing in my journal instead of this blog. There is a sick and pleasurable feeling of having word written on a journal, a miniature book that is always looked back on and realized the evolution of maturity and disintegration of depressed creativity. Sad people know how to create things, because they feel.
I feel I reached my creative peak during my puberty years. What sadness. I still like to think I'm an exceptional writer, but that's obviously subjective...but my ego will always beg to differ if anyone else to thinks other wise. Heh.
HOME
I miss being home.
Sometimes.
The quality of people there, well, since one of my friends pretty much used me until she found another friend to spend all of her time and doesn't ever share anything personal whenever I go, that makes it kind of a bummer. But other than that I have gotten closer to two other people and I always have my best friend since seventh grade. I always meet people there. My family usually drives me bonkers, but I hope that this time it will be completely different. This semester has been a complete bust in many way. I'm so over it and wish for things to just finish already.
SCHOOL
I don't know what happened or what went wrong, but I'm trying so hard and nothing is really getting through. I figure the best chance I have in a report card will be 2 a's 1 a- and a b. Assuming all is right in the Universe, that is. Which in retrospect is pretty fab. I just hope that I can actually manage grades of that stature. I do hope so. Advertising has been a massive pain in my ass, and if it gives me a c+, i'm going to be horribly pissed off. I hate the way the class is set up. I will definitely make note on how things are set up and how grades are based. I need classes that at least give the opportunity for projects and things of that nature. the worst that can happen to my grades...three b's and a c. That would be a pretty crummy outcome. I will then be an honest to god college student struggling. I need to put forth more effort into my studies, even though I feel like I put in plenty. I guess my methods are in need of work. Do I even have enough energy left, or am i not putting in enough?
I feel like this, this time of year. I always manage to do okay. I'm just wondering what happened. Why did I end up with C's in my exam this time around? I've been studying. I've been keeping up. Is it just that I don't pay enough attention in class? What am I doing wrong? Should I drop a course? What should I do? I'm scared of advertising. Those exams are ridiculous and I find that the information on there is so scattered. We read chapters upon chapters of material and it's so hard to cover not only the chapters, but the lecture and the additional anecdotes and points he makes in the lecture. I find it aggravating.
In my criminology and law class I don't seem to get the material, I feel that there is a lack of material and they nit pick at the mundane issues.
That's my problem. I don't like to study. I don't like to memorize words or lists of words. Why would I want to do that? I want to create. I want a project. I want a paper. Something that can prove I know how to utilize the material that you're teaching me. But maybe I'm just making excuses... but I have always been a person to learn through example and conceptualize ideas.
I'm so over Public Relations anyway.
My new interest is Political Science.
This is something that seems to be grounded.
I hope that I like it when I study it.
I just need a change. I've been struggling in the intro classes of P.R.
Poli Sci is structured more to my way of thinking.
At least I hope.
BOYS.
The ever present indication of my failure as an attractive, ambitious, charismatic female, my lack of a boy.
A stable one. There is something going on. I can get them...in clubs. And in random casual encounters. But I know that's not the kind of thing that I want. I'm over the random makeout.
I tried the hook up with sex and without sex. Both times failed horribly. I tried to psych myself into a crush, which succeeded until I got in over my head and started to fantasize. Of course it's evident what followed. Destruction of such ludicrous thoughts, which was probably for the best.
This year I've had one encounter with a boy in another city that I knew from back home. I had an encounter with an obnoxious Australian. I tried to make that a legitimate thing, and it seemed that was where it was going, but it turned out to be just an object of sexual attraction and nothing more. I don't blame the kid, but I guess he didn't know what he was messing with, so of course I ditched him. Then this other individual who I have had a crush on. But something about him being an out of school pothead loser with a low self esteem probably didn't help anyone's chances of anything.
It all meant nothing. I'm not looking for love, I think.
I just want a damn boyfriend. That shouldn't be something that is so difficult.
But then I have to assess what differentiates me from everyone else.
I'm actually attractive.
Everyone else seems to settle. I don't want to settle, because I know that there are some people that would be more than willing to be there if I were to say BE MINE.
God no.
My problem is that the social circles that I'm in seem to include only ugly people...well not ugly, but not to my taste. That's not something I can help, honestly. I find that personality will get the best of me, as it did with my internship over the summer with the summer associate. I don't know. I tried to expand, but it seems pointless. This is all pointless. I just wish I could stop fretting.
I don't fret as much, thankfully. I know there would be days that I would actually be depressed about this notion. It's an irritant at this point.
I used to be more outgoing. But that didn't get me anywhere either. I got attention from all the wrong kind of people.
It's infuriating. Seeing my crushes with less attractive individuals. And don't mention the possibility of personality. I know I have a very charismatic and agreeable personality, despite it's blunt nature... My problem is that there isn't anything that keeps me seeing them over and over again.
I just keep tracing back to the first guy I met in school. What a tease that was.
And epic fail at timing.
I wonder if it could be just me. I've gained weight, but it seems to be in muscle. My pants are starting to fit much better at least. My face has been in the constant state of breaking out, which I can only thank my second coming of puberty for that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, maybe I'm not doing anything wrong.
I'm just in the wrong crowd, which is the story of my life. I wish I could have just moved on and out of Florida. This crowd is too...I don't even know. It's too much though. Too insecure? Too picky? Too lust driven? Definitely too much.
I don't even know what to do.
If there is anything to do.
I keep changing things up, but in the end, I still get the same results.
All I ever do is bitch about this boy issue.
I wouldn't so much if I actually had friends. Real friends that don't just drift back and forth.
FRIENDS
I can get overbearing though. So I understand...
I just wish I had a car or something along those lines. Do you know the things I would do if I had a car? Do you know the places I would explore if I had a car? Do you know what exploration and fun adventures I would be capable of if I had a car?
No.
Because I don't have one.
I don't have money for one.
I don't think I'll make enough money for one.
And my dumb ass is completely getting an overpriced apartment because I fell in love with it.
I'll get a cat. Hopefully it will love me. The last thing I need is another pet to hate me.
Fuck Rabbits, by the way. They are unnecessary vermin if they attack people...dammit.
I've tried so many people. I just need money to do things. Something I don't have.
I don't even know what to do anymore. This is why I miss home. I have more resources there. I have people who want to do things. I have people who want to be closer to me...but there isn't anything that happens where I live.
What a horrid conundrum.
I have some good friends though. It was what someone was telling me the other day, I hate people, and the ones that realize that I'm okay and I let get close to me I will eventually like.
I kind of like that outlook. It's not the best to have, but it's the one that seems to happen to me without even trying.
Do I repel people? How do I attract people?
Do I just get caught up with the excitement that is hanging out and make a fool out of myself?
Or am I simply socially inept?
NEXT
Who knows what the future holds. I had so much hope for this semester.
What a failure.
I'll have an apartment. Which is always awesome. But it's so expensive.
I just hope I can get a job over the summer to save up for it or something along those lines.
It would be nice just to have a cat. I'm excited for the cat. I really want that to happen. It would explain why my friend with a cat isn't usually in the dumps. The cat will be my best friend and love me unconditionally...hopefully...
That's pretty much the gist of things. I feel like nothing progresses. I'm like in a rut. I always get in some sort of rut towards the end of the semester. Who knows what that's all about.
I need some help. Somewhere. I just don't know where to start.
For your enjoyment.
As far as I know.
Things.
So many things have come through. So many things have happened.
I managed to start writing in my journal instead of this blog. There is a sick and pleasurable feeling of having word written on a journal, a miniature book that is always looked back on and realized the evolution of maturity and disintegration of depressed creativity. Sad people know how to create things, because they feel.
I feel I reached my creative peak during my puberty years. What sadness. I still like to think I'm an exceptional writer, but that's obviously subjective...but my ego will always beg to differ if anyone else to thinks other wise. Heh.
HOME
I miss being home.
Sometimes.
The quality of people there, well, since one of my friends pretty much used me until she found another friend to spend all of her time and doesn't ever share anything personal whenever I go, that makes it kind of a bummer. But other than that I have gotten closer to two other people and I always have my best friend since seventh grade. I always meet people there. My family usually drives me bonkers, but I hope that this time it will be completely different. This semester has been a complete bust in many way. I'm so over it and wish for things to just finish already.
SCHOOL
I don't know what happened or what went wrong, but I'm trying so hard and nothing is really getting through. I figure the best chance I have in a report card will be 2 a's 1 a- and a b. Assuming all is right in the Universe, that is. Which in retrospect is pretty fab. I just hope that I can actually manage grades of that stature. I do hope so. Advertising has been a massive pain in my ass, and if it gives me a c+, i'm going to be horribly pissed off. I hate the way the class is set up. I will definitely make note on how things are set up and how grades are based. I need classes that at least give the opportunity for projects and things of that nature. the worst that can happen to my grades...three b's and a c. That would be a pretty crummy outcome. I will then be an honest to god college student struggling. I need to put forth more effort into my studies, even though I feel like I put in plenty. I guess my methods are in need of work. Do I even have enough energy left, or am i not putting in enough?
I feel like this, this time of year. I always manage to do okay. I'm just wondering what happened. Why did I end up with C's in my exam this time around? I've been studying. I've been keeping up. Is it just that I don't pay enough attention in class? What am I doing wrong? Should I drop a course? What should I do? I'm scared of advertising. Those exams are ridiculous and I find that the information on there is so scattered. We read chapters upon chapters of material and it's so hard to cover not only the chapters, but the lecture and the additional anecdotes and points he makes in the lecture. I find it aggravating.
In my criminology and law class I don't seem to get the material, I feel that there is a lack of material and they nit pick at the mundane issues.
That's my problem. I don't like to study. I don't like to memorize words or lists of words. Why would I want to do that? I want to create. I want a project. I want a paper. Something that can prove I know how to utilize the material that you're teaching me. But maybe I'm just making excuses... but I have always been a person to learn through example and conceptualize ideas.
I'm so over Public Relations anyway.
My new interest is Political Science.
This is something that seems to be grounded.
I hope that I like it when I study it.
I just need a change. I've been struggling in the intro classes of P.R.
Poli Sci is structured more to my way of thinking.
At least I hope.
BOYS.
The ever present indication of my failure as an attractive, ambitious, charismatic female, my lack of a boy.
A stable one. There is something going on. I can get them...in clubs. And in random casual encounters. But I know that's not the kind of thing that I want. I'm over the random makeout.
I tried the hook up with sex and without sex. Both times failed horribly. I tried to psych myself into a crush, which succeeded until I got in over my head and started to fantasize. Of course it's evident what followed. Destruction of such ludicrous thoughts, which was probably for the best.
This year I've had one encounter with a boy in another city that I knew from back home. I had an encounter with an obnoxious Australian. I tried to make that a legitimate thing, and it seemed that was where it was going, but it turned out to be just an object of sexual attraction and nothing more. I don't blame the kid, but I guess he didn't know what he was messing with, so of course I ditched him. Then this other individual who I have had a crush on. But something about him being an out of school pothead loser with a low self esteem probably didn't help anyone's chances of anything.
It all meant nothing. I'm not looking for love, I think.
I just want a damn boyfriend. That shouldn't be something that is so difficult.
But then I have to assess what differentiates me from everyone else.
I'm actually attractive.
Everyone else seems to settle. I don't want to settle, because I know that there are some people that would be more than willing to be there if I were to say BE MINE.
God no.
My problem is that the social circles that I'm in seem to include only ugly people...well not ugly, but not to my taste. That's not something I can help, honestly. I find that personality will get the best of me, as it did with my internship over the summer with the summer associate. I don't know. I tried to expand, but it seems pointless. This is all pointless. I just wish I could stop fretting.
I don't fret as much, thankfully. I know there would be days that I would actually be depressed about this notion. It's an irritant at this point.
I used to be more outgoing. But that didn't get me anywhere either. I got attention from all the wrong kind of people.
It's infuriating. Seeing my crushes with less attractive individuals. And don't mention the possibility of personality. I know I have a very charismatic and agreeable personality, despite it's blunt nature... My problem is that there isn't anything that keeps me seeing them over and over again.
I just keep tracing back to the first guy I met in school. What a tease that was.
And epic fail at timing.
I wonder if it could be just me. I've gained weight, but it seems to be in muscle. My pants are starting to fit much better at least. My face has been in the constant state of breaking out, which I can only thank my second coming of puberty for that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, maybe I'm not doing anything wrong.
I'm just in the wrong crowd, which is the story of my life. I wish I could have just moved on and out of Florida. This crowd is too...I don't even know. It's too much though. Too insecure? Too picky? Too lust driven? Definitely too much.
I don't even know what to do.
If there is anything to do.
I keep changing things up, but in the end, I still get the same results.
All I ever do is bitch about this boy issue.
I wouldn't so much if I actually had friends. Real friends that don't just drift back and forth.
FRIENDS
I can get overbearing though. So I understand...
I just wish I had a car or something along those lines. Do you know the things I would do if I had a car? Do you know the places I would explore if I had a car? Do you know what exploration and fun adventures I would be capable of if I had a car?
No.
Because I don't have one.
I don't have money for one.
I don't think I'll make enough money for one.
And my dumb ass is completely getting an overpriced apartment because I fell in love with it.
I'll get a cat. Hopefully it will love me. The last thing I need is another pet to hate me.
Fuck Rabbits, by the way. They are unnecessary vermin if they attack people...dammit.
I've tried so many people. I just need money to do things. Something I don't have.
I don't even know what to do anymore. This is why I miss home. I have more resources there. I have people who want to do things. I have people who want to be closer to me...but there isn't anything that happens where I live.
What a horrid conundrum.
I have some good friends though. It was what someone was telling me the other day, I hate people, and the ones that realize that I'm okay and I let get close to me I will eventually like.
I kind of like that outlook. It's not the best to have, but it's the one that seems to happen to me without even trying.
Do I repel people? How do I attract people?
Do I just get caught up with the excitement that is hanging out and make a fool out of myself?
Or am I simply socially inept?
NEXT
Who knows what the future holds. I had so much hope for this semester.
What a failure.
I'll have an apartment. Which is always awesome. But it's so expensive.
I just hope I can get a job over the summer to save up for it or something along those lines.
It would be nice just to have a cat. I'm excited for the cat. I really want that to happen. It would explain why my friend with a cat isn't usually in the dumps. The cat will be my best friend and love me unconditionally...hopefully...
That's pretty much the gist of things. I feel like nothing progresses. I'm like in a rut. I always get in some sort of rut towards the end of the semester. Who knows what that's all about.
I need some help. Somewhere. I just don't know where to start.
For your enjoyment.
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