I'm stuck again

Things have been better. I've felt better. No need to Baker act me people, I'm too much of a coward/rational person to pursue anything that would purposely harm me.

I've been thinking about commemorating my friend's death. Her roommate/practical sister as tatted herself up. I'm not sure if I would be capable of doing so. There are so many repercussions...I wish sometimes I was as impulsive.

The boy situation is...who knows.

I feel pretty okay about it at the moment, but his mom reminds me too much of... me.
Which is kind of creepy.
I'm not sure I want to deal with his family. I'll mainly be shut away in his room with nothing to say and have no option of anything. I thought at first it would be nice to spend some time with him, but now I'm looking into just renting a car. He obviously doesn't want me around otherwise he would have thought of it and he's hardly putting forth effort in being with me.

I just want to go home. I want to be with my horrible chaotic family and want to die there instead of wanting to have a heart attack in a household that has no idea how much I resent them.

The mom is sweet, but I wonder if she even likes me. I mean she seems to... but I still feel like some resentment is there.

I sort of just want to call the whole thing off and not deal with men anymore.
Not have to deal with long distance relationships, as I always get sucked into them. Ugh.



I got back and forth on the thought of just breaking it off and starting fresh(ish).
I think it will be easier when I'm in Chicago. I'll be surprised if the relationship lasts that long.
Let alone if I'll time for a relationship.
Who knows.

At this point I just want to go back to sleep and not let my mind drift into thoughts that will plague me.

For your enjoyment.

why I want to break up with him

i wasn't feeling very much appreciated

he 'tried to teach me a lesson'

by leaving me at my house by myself

he knew that I was feeling shitty, didn't even bother to call

went out and got drunk with a friend instead

he says he contributes by getting toiletries and food

but meanwhile, i'm taking showers at the gym so I can have a reduced water bill

and allowing him to use my place for him to shower

he doesn't take the initiative to do things either

i have to tell him

over and over

and when I hve a problem with him

he'll try to be coscience of it

but eventually he'll forget

he isn't clear on how he wants me to express myself when i'm upset

we never do anything

he doesn't even try

and if we do, it's at my urging him to do something

i mean, i was pretty devostated when he went out last night. not that he shouldn't. fuck he needs friends. but the fact that I can't and he doesn't try to think of alternatives or even cares to figure something out with me.

I don't know. I just think I was better off single

i think he's better off without me

i even told him it was over

and he was like 'okay'

for your enjoyment

I wish I was dead

Finally a moment where I can write how I'm feeling when I feel like this.

I honestly wish I was dead.
I don't see a point to life.
I'm fat, unable to maintain school, work and a relationship.
I'm a failure of a human being.
I hate myself and I'm just a waste of carbon.

Who can help me feel better when the only one I love doesn't even understand.

I don't even know where to even begin.

For your enjoyment