It's not fair. And and all potential.
Gone.
Why?
Because I am the queen of last minute crushes.
What is a last minute crush might you ask?
Pretty much you get to know a person enough to know if you are interested in possibly pursuing something and if you know that the other person probably feels the same way. Sort of like a regular crush, except time, being a cruel reality, makes it impossible for you two to see if there might be more chemistry besides smiles and looks and giggly conversations.
Yea, there is facebook, email, texts, whatever. But if the boy doesn't know you enough and if you have not had enough time to make a valid impression.
So you're pretty much left with a last minute crush. Only with thoughts of possibility. I guess it can be good. Nothing taints your perspective on the individual...but if you're anything like me, or anything close to what I have been, it is kind of devastating.
I've been in a rut. After Lewis, the tragic unemotional fiend that thought he wanted something but realized he was to broken to even care, yet I sort of persisted with the idea of him because I was tired of being lonely...well after him I was on a relationship hiatus. I encountered many flirtables and a few I would have gone after...if it was exam finals week and I didn't have the idea to leave school as soon as possible (like an r-tard). "Daniel" was a cute guy who was on and off again talking to me. I remember our first encounter he was hanging out with Sal's friend "Kendra." They had a thing going on, but it turns out Kendra is bat fucking crazy. Either way, we ended up somehow talking bits and pieces. We met up at John's show, because apparently he was a mutual friend. We talked. I guess we kind of flirted. I know I was into him, and if anyone knows a thing or two about how I operate, it was BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that I was into him. We hung out but he had to leave. He let me borrow his sweater thing. I waited a few days before I ended up washing (the thing was dirty, I would have done it for anyone...I just felt that it was right to wash it because I had borrowed it) and giving it back to him. Then next thing I know I post the status message of me going home and he was like 'we need to hang out' and after jumping through hoops and stuff, we did end up hanging out. four in the morning. i thought there might have been possibility but that died. four months into a summer will do that to a person.
I am without a doubt doing summer a or b. I can't stay here that long.
Then there was "Jake" Ha. I remember the first time I met him. He was fucking DRUNK. He was hysterical. It was nice because he actually remembered me afterward, something which surprised me. We had conversations on and off. Then he started inviting me to his place to talk about things. He lived upstairs so I was for it. Last day, before my departure he invited me to watch a movie. I was still packing.
Just rawr.
That is just with school.
At work, he just left (as i wrote in an earlier entry). "Norbert" (hahaha, god if that was his real name I would laugh hysterically every time I would hear it).
I saw him around and had a random conversation with him every now and then, as it usually occurs. Then his last week of work we work together. I crush. I'm pretty sure he crushed. and now that he's gone. its nothing...
I'm incredibly upset with these pattern of events.
I just want something already. I guess now that I want something, there is nothing.
Norbert said if I was ever in Tampa to shoot him an email. But the likelihood of that happening is quite rare, if not imossible.
Whatever.
I don't understand this guy standstill. I have seemed to have lowered my standards.
No drug users to occasional drug users, meaning like parties...but i really don't want it to happen, but I am in college.
They can have some pudge...if their face and personality just fucking shine through.
That's pretty much it.
I don't know. I'm just anxious of what next school year will bring.
I don't know why I worry so much. It will hopefully all work out in the end.
Hopefully.
For your enjoyment.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
warped tour.
All I can say is that it was epic.
My friend Ari and I ended up rained on.
We made friends with Mr. Sprinkles. He gave me a love tap on the butt. Some other weird horn dog was checking me out.
All the shows rocked. We were out for a while.
We got rained on. We ended up prancing around in our bathing suits. We both have been to enough outdoor shows to realize that if it rains, you're going to get wet. If it is sunny out, you're going to get sweaty and you're going to want to remove clothes. It's a multipurpose function.
I was walking around with not pants. She was talking around with her tank pretty much like a skirt, so for the most part shirtless (since the tank had transformed into a skirt).
The bands were pretty great, nothing that I really cared for, and the one I did care for, I only knew like two songs. It's all good.
We managed to get some stuff for free and just enjoyed ourselves. I think it was more of the experience than the bands that did the day for me.
I got a bunch of good looks.
I am happy.
My friend Ari and I ended up rained on.
We made friends with Mr. Sprinkles. He gave me a love tap on the butt. Some other weird horn dog was checking me out.
All the shows rocked. We were out for a while.
We got rained on. We ended up prancing around in our bathing suits. We both have been to enough outdoor shows to realize that if it rains, you're going to get wet. If it is sunny out, you're going to get sweaty and you're going to want to remove clothes. It's a multipurpose function.
I was walking around with not pants. She was talking around with her tank pretty much like a skirt, so for the most part shirtless (since the tank had transformed into a skirt).
The bands were pretty great, nothing that I really cared for, and the one I did care for, I only knew like two songs. It's all good.
We managed to get some stuff for free and just enjoyed ourselves. I think it was more of the experience than the bands that did the day for me.
I got a bunch of good looks.
I am happy.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Jealousy
How I wonder about it.
I wonder if my friends ever get jealous of me. I know I am an incredibly jealous person. If I could have the body parts and metabolisms of my friends I know what I would pick.
I would first of all keep everything on my head. I have a beautiful head. I have a pretty and unique face. My hair waves and is an amazing brown color (if I do say so myself). The only thing I might change would be my eye color. I have always been a sucker for different eye colors.
I would make myself taller. Being short has its disadvantages. For one, it's not normal to be 120 lbs. Anything over is considered pretty much overweight. I'm pretty athletic, so my excuse is that a lot of it is muscle. It's not a lie. I remember my friend "John" (remember I'm altering names) telling me at one point I had "thunder thighs" from swimming. I bashfully smile, the smile obviously was plastered at the remark. I like my thighs. I have beautiful legs. I would not change those. I would just want a longer torso. My torso is just a blob. I would want my friend "Bianca's" torso. She has an amazing rack and this uncanny ability to not gain any weight on her midsection. For that she sucks hard. She can keep her legs, they aren't toned at all. It suits her, but I like the athletic look when it comes to legs. I would want my friend "Ari's" nails. They grow like nothing. I would want my friend "Sal's" personality, she has this uncanny ability to attract people, despite her appearance which, in my appearance, has seen better days.
But this post wasn't really to tear people apart and demean them and hate them for what they have.
I guess I should be happy with what I have. I am. With some things at least.
It's all to hard to keep up with liking myself in the environment I am currently in.
I miss college. Incredibly. It was such a nourishing environment for someone like me. I can only sigh that going back (And hopefully staying back) is a few weeks away. I feel bad
But I regress to the point.
I wonder if anyone ever wants the features I could have. I, being as open mouthed and minded about any particular issue, have no shame nor issue with telling the individual: THIS is the body part that I would want if I could sculpt my body.
It's just a shame.
I grew up with my mother always on my ass about looking a certain way. Acting a certain way. I was in my "prime" 140. That was years ago, thankfully. But at every turn and even when I was just doing something, she would always be on my ass constantly persisting and insulting me on the way I looked. I was a still middle schooler at that point. Being told you're fat by you're own mother isn't the best way to go around of inspiring your child to do something for themselves. Usually that's how people go around and stuffing their faces into a nice plump mess. Of course I was never one to with the crowd.
More than anything I lost weight for myself. I felt better and have pretty much been an addict for any athleticism. Even now, I'm not too happy with the way I look. As stated before I would at least change the midsection. That's something that is always being nagged at by my mother, who is probably legit morbid obese for her size.
Maybe she does it because she doesn't want me to end up like her. Maybe she does it because she's like one of those horrible mothers that send their children into beauty pageants. Maybe she has a sick obsession about my welfare and doesn't recognize that she's doing more harm than good. The point is, with people that are like this in one's life, is it really difficult to believe that many aren't happy with their bodies?
I know. Everyone has heard some sort of argument about magazines and the models and how they make people feel inferior. I completely agree. They do. For whatever reason the fact that everyone sees them as goddesses makes regular short, tan, brunettes feel out of the loop.
It's all the publicity. I've never been really one to get up and carried away with it. But celebs power and influence, its a trait many would want to have. Having the whole world staring down at you and gawk. Sort of like Megan fox.
>>>I honestly don't know what her deal is. She has stunning eyes and that "mysterious look" but the fact that she seems to super glue her hair down doesn't cut the pretty factor for me. I see her and I just go, "eh." She was in a few Disney movies before she hit it big with transformers. Where was the "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS" factor there? I guess the fact that she was jail bait didn't really help her case in that situation, but Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen didn't really have much of a problem. They could be pretty...but God knows they need a sandwich or something to eat...
And no. I don't say that out of jealousy.
The same goes for Angelina, she isn't that pretty. Yes she has a rocking body that I would die happy to have (and honestly, I don't blame her for making out with her brother, he's pretty smokin')but chapped lips aren't that great.
I guess I'm just hating without a reason. They deserve their success. They act and earn their money, even if it is through superficial means.
I guess it's just what everyone wants. A way to look good and get paid for it.
It's hard to love yourself when you have so much going against yourself.
Even now, we have the whole "love your curves" movement. So even skinny people are getting the boot.
So. We are pretty much left to ourselves when alone (got to love the redundant nature on that one) to think about what we don't like. What the mainstream wants us to look like. So we look to our friends to see what parts they have that fits into what attracts guys through our vicarious relationship with celebrities and their personal successes with relationships or just flirting instances.
I never really sat back and asked myself, " I wonder what people would seriously love to have that is on me." It does sound vain (which is for whatever reason a bad thing?) but maybe, if it gets us by, we should secretly be asking ourselves that.
No one can completely be happy with their body. Even my friend with the rocking torso would love to have a nice butt. Something I have happen to have.
It's just hard to be happy with what we have. Especially in a society with more is better, and if you don't like the way you look something can be done about it or if you can't you live in a life where someone is nagging you or you are nagging yourself about your inadequate features.
So we revert to unobtainable jealousy. Life's crutch to what we don't have.
For your enjoyment
I wonder if my friends ever get jealous of me. I know I am an incredibly jealous person. If I could have the body parts and metabolisms of my friends I know what I would pick.
I would first of all keep everything on my head. I have a beautiful head. I have a pretty and unique face. My hair waves and is an amazing brown color (if I do say so myself). The only thing I might change would be my eye color. I have always been a sucker for different eye colors.
I would make myself taller. Being short has its disadvantages. For one, it's not normal to be 120 lbs. Anything over is considered pretty much overweight. I'm pretty athletic, so my excuse is that a lot of it is muscle. It's not a lie. I remember my friend "John" (remember I'm altering names) telling me at one point I had "thunder thighs" from swimming. I bashfully smile, the smile obviously was plastered at the remark. I like my thighs. I have beautiful legs. I would not change those. I would just want a longer torso. My torso is just a blob. I would want my friend "Bianca's" torso. She has an amazing rack and this uncanny ability to not gain any weight on her midsection. For that she sucks hard. She can keep her legs, they aren't toned at all. It suits her, but I like the athletic look when it comes to legs. I would want my friend "Ari's" nails. They grow like nothing. I would want my friend "Sal's" personality, she has this uncanny ability to attract people, despite her appearance which, in my appearance, has seen better days.
But this post wasn't really to tear people apart and demean them and hate them for what they have.
I guess I should be happy with what I have. I am. With some things at least.
It's all to hard to keep up with liking myself in the environment I am currently in.
I miss college. Incredibly. It was such a nourishing environment for someone like me. I can only sigh that going back (And hopefully staying back) is a few weeks away. I feel bad
But I regress to the point.
I wonder if anyone ever wants the features I could have. I, being as open mouthed and minded about any particular issue, have no shame nor issue with telling the individual: THIS is the body part that I would want if I could sculpt my body.
It's just a shame.
I grew up with my mother always on my ass about looking a certain way. Acting a certain way. I was in my "prime" 140. That was years ago, thankfully. But at every turn and even when I was just doing something, she would always be on my ass constantly persisting and insulting me on the way I looked. I was a still middle schooler at that point. Being told you're fat by you're own mother isn't the best way to go around of inspiring your child to do something for themselves. Usually that's how people go around and stuffing their faces into a nice plump mess. Of course I was never one to with the crowd.
More than anything I lost weight for myself. I felt better and have pretty much been an addict for any athleticism. Even now, I'm not too happy with the way I look. As stated before I would at least change the midsection. That's something that is always being nagged at by my mother, who is probably legit morbid obese for her size.
Maybe she does it because she doesn't want me to end up like her. Maybe she does it because she's like one of those horrible mothers that send their children into beauty pageants. Maybe she has a sick obsession about my welfare and doesn't recognize that she's doing more harm than good. The point is, with people that are like this in one's life, is it really difficult to believe that many aren't happy with their bodies?
I know. Everyone has heard some sort of argument about magazines and the models and how they make people feel inferior. I completely agree. They do. For whatever reason the fact that everyone sees them as goddesses makes regular short, tan, brunettes feel out of the loop.
It's all the publicity. I've never been really one to get up and carried away with it. But celebs power and influence, its a trait many would want to have. Having the whole world staring down at you and gawk. Sort of like Megan fox.
>>>I honestly don't know what her deal is. She has stunning eyes and that "mysterious look" but the fact that she seems to super glue her hair down doesn't cut the pretty factor for me. I see her and I just go, "eh." She was in a few Disney movies before she hit it big with transformers. Where was the "DROP DEAD GORGEOUS" factor there? I guess the fact that she was jail bait didn't really help her case in that situation, but Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen didn't really have much of a problem. They could be pretty...but God knows they need a sandwich or something to eat...
And no. I don't say that out of jealousy.
The same goes for Angelina, she isn't that pretty. Yes she has a rocking body that I would die happy to have (and honestly, I don't blame her for making out with her brother, he's pretty smokin')but chapped lips aren't that great.
I guess I'm just hating without a reason. They deserve their success. They act and earn their money, even if it is through superficial means.
I guess it's just what everyone wants. A way to look good and get paid for it.
It's hard to love yourself when you have so much going against yourself.
Even now, we have the whole "love your curves" movement. So even skinny people are getting the boot.
So. We are pretty much left to ourselves when alone (got to love the redundant nature on that one) to think about what we don't like. What the mainstream wants us to look like. So we look to our friends to see what parts they have that fits into what attracts guys through our vicarious relationship with celebrities and their personal successes with relationships or just flirting instances.
I never really sat back and asked myself, " I wonder what people would seriously love to have that is on me." It does sound vain (which is for whatever reason a bad thing?) but maybe, if it gets us by, we should secretly be asking ourselves that.
No one can completely be happy with their body. Even my friend with the rocking torso would love to have a nice butt. Something I have happen to have.
It's just hard to be happy with what we have. Especially in a society with more is better, and if you don't like the way you look something can be done about it or if you can't you live in a life where someone is nagging you or you are nagging yourself about your inadequate features.
So we revert to unobtainable jealousy. Life's crutch to what we don't have.
For your enjoyment
He was Gorgeous
Gorgeous.
Cute.
Amazing looking.
Hot (or Hawt)
Sexy.
Delicious.
Whatever.
I am probably one of the biggest victims that falls into this labeling category of the opposite sex. And probably one of the biggest enablers.
I'm shallow. My friends tell other people I'm shallow. It's a great deterrent, but not something that really helps to push friends into meeting another person, unless they themselves have a sense of self knowledge and are also shallow.
Frankly, I think I'm one of a few good portion of people who can get away with such traits and still be lovable (ahh, along with a pompous attitude, what else is there?)
Its just weird
I'm pretty attractive (if I do say so myself) but lately I've been victim of my surroundings.
I'm home for the summer from my massive, educated, and amazing college. In college I was wooed here and there by many suitors and just playful flirty banter by others. All was welcomed. Let me tell you I had no problem letting these individuals hand feed my ego. If I gained a few pounds, it was fine. There was still someone that wanted to bang my brains out.
My only problem was.
I didn't like them back.
There were a few I had interest in. I attempted relationships with. God that was just horrible. It was fragile and something massive destroyed the foundation of possibility, loneliness over came me and I came to my senses, or just the other individual gave up because I was trying to hard.
Fault needs not to be pinpointed.
I just don't know.
I hear of my Friend "Sal's" break up with "John." It's pretty harsh. John did her bad. They were in this friendship then relationship, then long distance relationship because Sal went away to study abroad, and they kept it up. John took me in under his wing and we hung out while she was away and I got closer to him as a friend. I saw him as an older brother as he introduced me to his friends and I made friends with his friends and experienced new things that I never thought I would (nor would I want to try again, another story for another time). I would often see him hanging around his ex and of course, I didn't have a clue that it was his ex, but they weren't doing anything according to him. If that's true or not, that is not for me to say and I'll just have to take his word for it. Regardless, they have been going on and off relationship wise. And I heard today they broke up.
Which is weird. They are really passionate people. And their personality types, He a hard core anti authority punker, and she a liberal, peace loving hippie, I don't know- They seemed to click. But I guess she did a lot of growing up, and he just wanted to go back to being single.
Which is the trend for a lot of guys in college...or at least my experience thus far. "Lewis" was the last guy I even bothered with emotionally. He was a hardcore hottie (in my book) and he was into me. But his indifference won him over as I tried to pull out every time what he really wanted. It was a hassle, and in the end, he was just a momma's boy that wasn't ready to commit to anything but listening to music, constant nerdy sessions of studying. "Jacob" was another luscious item on the man menu, but he opted out. I might have screwed that one up. I was kind of smothering... But I had just gotten out of a relationship and had no prior experience with dating. Sue me. "Ray" was someone who I just went with the motions. I ended up not wanting anything with it.
In the end I think it was a good thing that this summer that I managed to get a break from all the guy drama. But as things usually occur, I'm ready...But time has yet to catch up with my readiness.
I've been ready to start up with the whole flirting thing. Of course, I'm at a loss when it comes to finding a guy that there is an understanding of attraction.
The guys where my parents live...suck. They like the classic American girl.
I was speaking to my older brother as we were watching a sports show of his, and he mentioned how the blond reporter woman was "kind of cute." She was not at all cute. She was well maintained, clad nicely, but not attractive. Just another girl walking down the street (if you ask me).
It was at that point I looked at him and replied in an aggressive assertive tone, "That is not cute, pretty or hot. That is just the average typical girl that all guys go for. That is what I have to compete with." That is the type of girl guys around here are attracted to.
My roots trace back to the Mediterranean area, so I sport a nice tan, wavy brunette hair and rich brown eyes, and I guess to get more specific short and athletic. I have nice legs and a bubble butt.
Not what the typical guys go for.
At least not where I am now.
Which makes it difficult.
I now have to compete (while here) for the attention of guys that are chasing after blond, blue eyes, with tan skin, tall and for the most part lack an education.
Fuck my life.
The opposite (except the tan part) in every way.
I miss being the center of attention. Or at least the sideline of attention. I guess it doesn't help that these guys are just trying to get laid.
I went to a party. There were some good looking guys. All of them were not focused one me. They all zoomed in for the other chics. I don't know why that was. I know I had like two flirtations that night, but that's a low blow on my record. It could have been because I was drunk, but still. I've done better in worse conditions.
In the end one guy ended up without a date because one chic was a tease (who I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to be flirting with, that ho, haha)another guy ended up with a girl crying because she got out of a relationship with an ex and the same goes for another hot guy. Fuck them.
I did have a good time, but I was seriously stunned that none of them were interested in my beauty. It might sound egotistical, but I'm serious, I'm very unique looking...
Though there is this one individual who I AM CERTAIN had and INTENSE interest for me. BUUUUUUUT, he has a girlfriend. I would have gone after him, but I respect that situation. Plus, I've been in that situation where a couple has been together for a while and one had gathered an intense interest for me. I was hanging out at her apartment because I was friends with one of her roommates who had invited me over. He was pretty much following me around, in the end they fought at my expense.
It sucks to be in that position. If you find yourself doubting the person you are with, then just move on with other things. You don't have to settle. Which is why I can understand (now) why some guys don't want something permanently...
I mean, don't get me wrong. I like being single, but I would more than love to have someone to hug, hold, kiss, and be romantic with. I'm the type of person that actually yearns for that schmaltzy type of stuff to be honest. I really hate to admit it, but I really want to be close, passionate and emotional. At this point I really have a hard time that anyone my age can be like that.
I've been dabbling in the idea with the older crowd.
By dabbling I mean getting drunk with "Lucy" and "Ari" before a concert and hitting on "Lucy's" brother like a moron. He's 25ish. I don't know what his deal was, or how he felt about me (probably not interested...which would not be surprising given my location circumstances)but just the more I think about it I would like someone who is at least a few years of age on me.
I remember my first class of college in my first semester there was a fresh in grad school professor instructing us. I blatantly hit on him various time. He's the kicker- It was reciprocal! We never pursued... Don't know why... Pity. I did meet up with him the next semester and he was happy to see me. But had to attend a tutoring of a student, so it was short lived. Maybe I'll see him around.
Who knows.
I've been working in a professional area. I see all walks of men here. I see the older, the somewhat older, and the fresh out of college older... I like what I see. If there is anything after this in grad school, I have more incentive to be going there. The older ones are just...I really don't know how to describe it. Some are so well taken care of they still manage to retain their good looks, and with their professional wear, I feel like they are even more attractive. The clean look suits every man. I drool over the thought of it. I was helping the front desk out and this one witty British man had come up for an appointment and he was just scrumptious. I just wanted to eat him up. I'm pretty sure he felt the same, he made it evident to try to talk to me and waved bye to me, which many people (especially in the "high brow" place I work in) don't even bother doing.
Or even this summer associate that is working there. He is a bit pudgy (which I am normally against, with a passion) but has an incredible personality and is just amazing looking. I find that I give more leeway with people who have their lives together. I wonder why that is...it's probably the fact that they're similar in the sense of ambition and I can relate to that.
I saw him with another woman as I walked by his office. I'm pretty sure it was of some personal relationship. Good for him. He deserves someone...even though I want him for my self... as twisted as that probably is. Whatever, I suppose it's normal.
It's just that even if I do manage a personal relationship with someone older, I really wouldn't know how to handle something like that. I tried that with someone that was like a year older than me who was in school, had two jobs, had a massive truck, had pretty much a business ready for him to take over, was saving up for a house...and I freaked out. But it could have been that I didn't want a relationship at that point and felt sort of pressured by myself, my friend, and him to try to be into something. It could have been just him.
The thought of being with someone older sort of threatens me. I feel, in a sense, childish in comparison. I hate feeling like that. Granted, I'm pretty sure there are only a few people that prefer to be treated, seen, or even feeling like that...but with that individual, I felt so out of place. Like I should have been on his level, especially because he was only a year older than I was.
Maybe that's what the same aged crowd of men feel when they hang around me.
I've accomplished a lot in my life. From minute things to pretty big things, things that impress a lot of people. I guess that makes them feel inferior upon finding out. I'm not to sure about it. I just hope that things change once I go back to school. I do miss intimate moments.
This time around I won't jump at the first thing at grabs my attention, which I had...HAD a tendency to do. I've learned a lot thus far in my journey of life. Just have to continue playing the waiting game.
It worked for school.
It worked for a job twice.
It worked for social opportunities.
Maybe this time it will work in my favor again.
For your enjoyment.
7/24/09 Note: I am crushing so hard. It's sad to know that today is his last day. Oh well. At least you know what it feels like to want to persue again. :)
Cute.
Amazing looking.
Hot (or Hawt)
Sexy.
Delicious.
Whatever.
I am probably one of the biggest victims that falls into this labeling category of the opposite sex. And probably one of the biggest enablers.
I'm shallow. My friends tell other people I'm shallow. It's a great deterrent, but not something that really helps to push friends into meeting another person, unless they themselves have a sense of self knowledge and are also shallow.
Frankly, I think I'm one of a few good portion of people who can get away with such traits and still be lovable (ahh, along with a pompous attitude, what else is there?)
Its just weird
I'm pretty attractive (if I do say so myself) but lately I've been victim of my surroundings.
I'm home for the summer from my massive, educated, and amazing college. In college I was wooed here and there by many suitors and just playful flirty banter by others. All was welcomed. Let me tell you I had no problem letting these individuals hand feed my ego. If I gained a few pounds, it was fine. There was still someone that wanted to bang my brains out.
My only problem was.
I didn't like them back.
There were a few I had interest in. I attempted relationships with. God that was just horrible. It was fragile and something massive destroyed the foundation of possibility, loneliness over came me and I came to my senses, or just the other individual gave up because I was trying to hard.
Fault needs not to be pinpointed.
I just don't know.
I hear of my Friend "Sal's" break up with "John." It's pretty harsh. John did her bad. They were in this friendship then relationship, then long distance relationship because Sal went away to study abroad, and they kept it up. John took me in under his wing and we hung out while she was away and I got closer to him as a friend. I saw him as an older brother as he introduced me to his friends and I made friends with his friends and experienced new things that I never thought I would (nor would I want to try again, another story for another time). I would often see him hanging around his ex and of course, I didn't have a clue that it was his ex, but they weren't doing anything according to him. If that's true or not, that is not for me to say and I'll just have to take his word for it. Regardless, they have been going on and off relationship wise. And I heard today they broke up.
Which is weird. They are really passionate people. And their personality types, He a hard core anti authority punker, and she a liberal, peace loving hippie, I don't know- They seemed to click. But I guess she did a lot of growing up, and he just wanted to go back to being single.
Which is the trend for a lot of guys in college...or at least my experience thus far. "Lewis" was the last guy I even bothered with emotionally. He was a hardcore hottie (in my book) and he was into me. But his indifference won him over as I tried to pull out every time what he really wanted. It was a hassle, and in the end, he was just a momma's boy that wasn't ready to commit to anything but listening to music, constant nerdy sessions of studying. "Jacob" was another luscious item on the man menu, but he opted out. I might have screwed that one up. I was kind of smothering... But I had just gotten out of a relationship and had no prior experience with dating. Sue me. "Ray" was someone who I just went with the motions. I ended up not wanting anything with it.
In the end I think it was a good thing that this summer that I managed to get a break from all the guy drama. But as things usually occur, I'm ready...But time has yet to catch up with my readiness.
I've been ready to start up with the whole flirting thing. Of course, I'm at a loss when it comes to finding a guy that there is an understanding of attraction.
The guys where my parents live...suck. They like the classic American girl.
I was speaking to my older brother as we were watching a sports show of his, and he mentioned how the blond reporter woman was "kind of cute." She was not at all cute. She was well maintained, clad nicely, but not attractive. Just another girl walking down the street (if you ask me).
It was at that point I looked at him and replied in an aggressive assertive tone, "That is not cute, pretty or hot. That is just the average typical girl that all guys go for. That is what I have to compete with." That is the type of girl guys around here are attracted to.
My roots trace back to the Mediterranean area, so I sport a nice tan, wavy brunette hair and rich brown eyes, and I guess to get more specific short and athletic. I have nice legs and a bubble butt.
Not what the typical guys go for.
At least not where I am now.
Which makes it difficult.
I now have to compete (while here) for the attention of guys that are chasing after blond, blue eyes, with tan skin, tall and for the most part lack an education.
Fuck my life.
The opposite (except the tan part) in every way.
I miss being the center of attention. Or at least the sideline of attention. I guess it doesn't help that these guys are just trying to get laid.
I went to a party. There were some good looking guys. All of them were not focused one me. They all zoomed in for the other chics. I don't know why that was. I know I had like two flirtations that night, but that's a low blow on my record. It could have been because I was drunk, but still. I've done better in worse conditions.
In the end one guy ended up without a date because one chic was a tease (who I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to be flirting with, that ho, haha)another guy ended up with a girl crying because she got out of a relationship with an ex and the same goes for another hot guy. Fuck them.
I did have a good time, but I was seriously stunned that none of them were interested in my beauty. It might sound egotistical, but I'm serious, I'm very unique looking...
Though there is this one individual who I AM CERTAIN had and INTENSE interest for me. BUUUUUUUT, he has a girlfriend. I would have gone after him, but I respect that situation. Plus, I've been in that situation where a couple has been together for a while and one had gathered an intense interest for me. I was hanging out at her apartment because I was friends with one of her roommates who had invited me over. He was pretty much following me around, in the end they fought at my expense.
It sucks to be in that position. If you find yourself doubting the person you are with, then just move on with other things. You don't have to settle. Which is why I can understand (now) why some guys don't want something permanently...
I mean, don't get me wrong. I like being single, but I would more than love to have someone to hug, hold, kiss, and be romantic with. I'm the type of person that actually yearns for that schmaltzy type of stuff to be honest. I really hate to admit it, but I really want to be close, passionate and emotional. At this point I really have a hard time that anyone my age can be like that.
I've been dabbling in the idea with the older crowd.
By dabbling I mean getting drunk with "Lucy" and "Ari" before a concert and hitting on "Lucy's" brother like a moron. He's 25ish. I don't know what his deal was, or how he felt about me (probably not interested...which would not be surprising given my location circumstances)but just the more I think about it I would like someone who is at least a few years of age on me.
I remember my first class of college in my first semester there was a fresh in grad school professor instructing us. I blatantly hit on him various time. He's the kicker- It was reciprocal! We never pursued... Don't know why... Pity. I did meet up with him the next semester and he was happy to see me. But had to attend a tutoring of a student, so it was short lived. Maybe I'll see him around.
Who knows.
I've been working in a professional area. I see all walks of men here. I see the older, the somewhat older, and the fresh out of college older... I like what I see. If there is anything after this in grad school, I have more incentive to be going there. The older ones are just...I really don't know how to describe it. Some are so well taken care of they still manage to retain their good looks, and with their professional wear, I feel like they are even more attractive. The clean look suits every man. I drool over the thought of it. I was helping the front desk out and this one witty British man had come up for an appointment and he was just scrumptious. I just wanted to eat him up. I'm pretty sure he felt the same, he made it evident to try to talk to me and waved bye to me, which many people (especially in the "high brow" place I work in) don't even bother doing.
Or even this summer associate that is working there. He is a bit pudgy (which I am normally against, with a passion) but has an incredible personality and is just amazing looking. I find that I give more leeway with people who have their lives together. I wonder why that is...it's probably the fact that they're similar in the sense of ambition and I can relate to that.
I saw him with another woman as I walked by his office. I'm pretty sure it was of some personal relationship. Good for him. He deserves someone...even though I want him for my self... as twisted as that probably is. Whatever, I suppose it's normal.
It's just that even if I do manage a personal relationship with someone older, I really wouldn't know how to handle something like that. I tried that with someone that was like a year older than me who was in school, had two jobs, had a massive truck, had pretty much a business ready for him to take over, was saving up for a house...and I freaked out. But it could have been that I didn't want a relationship at that point and felt sort of pressured by myself, my friend, and him to try to be into something. It could have been just him.
The thought of being with someone older sort of threatens me. I feel, in a sense, childish in comparison. I hate feeling like that. Granted, I'm pretty sure there are only a few people that prefer to be treated, seen, or even feeling like that...but with that individual, I felt so out of place. Like I should have been on his level, especially because he was only a year older than I was.
Maybe that's what the same aged crowd of men feel when they hang around me.
I've accomplished a lot in my life. From minute things to pretty big things, things that impress a lot of people. I guess that makes them feel inferior upon finding out. I'm not to sure about it. I just hope that things change once I go back to school. I do miss intimate moments.
This time around I won't jump at the first thing at grabs my attention, which I had...HAD a tendency to do. I've learned a lot thus far in my journey of life. Just have to continue playing the waiting game.
It worked for school.
It worked for a job twice.
It worked for social opportunities.
Maybe this time it will work in my favor again.
For your enjoyment.
7/24/09 Note: I am crushing so hard. It's sad to know that today is his last day. Oh well. At least you know what it feels like to want to persue again. :)
The First Intro Post
Yes. As you would Imagine. This is the first post.
This is the part where I tell you pretty much everything about me.
Just a girl.
With just a dream.
With a strong sense of morality...sometimes.
Who works hard.
Plays hard.
And always hopes for the best.
Even when life gets me down.
I'm not writing this to please anyone. Or to gain publicity or anything along those lines.
More likely I'll look back at this and wonder why I even started?
I have plenty of diaries. I have plenty of events going on. But more and more, I just don't feel like writing my thoughts out on paper. I feel like it takes too long.
I really don't know where I want to take this. I don't know if I want it to be insightful or just documentation of what I am doing.
In the end does it matter?
I don't want to sound like one of those angst filled depressive teens...but the truth of the matter is that I, like many other "bloggers", are going to try to get an audience. But that's okay if I don't get anyone to follow.
It can be my little secret.
As for my identity, my whereabouts, the people I hang out with. I'll try for the most part to alter their identities, but more than likely, as my expressive nature will reveal I am pretty translucent.
Again, this is for me. My sanity (more or less).
For your enjoyment.
This is the part where I tell you pretty much everything about me.
Just a girl.
With just a dream.
With a strong sense of morality...sometimes.
Who works hard.
Plays hard.
And always hopes for the best.
Even when life gets me down.
I'm not writing this to please anyone. Or to gain publicity or anything along those lines.
More likely I'll look back at this and wonder why I even started?
I have plenty of diaries. I have plenty of events going on. But more and more, I just don't feel like writing my thoughts out on paper. I feel like it takes too long.
I really don't know where I want to take this. I don't know if I want it to be insightful or just documentation of what I am doing.
In the end does it matter?
I don't want to sound like one of those angst filled depressive teens...but the truth of the matter is that I, like many other "bloggers", are going to try to get an audience. But that's okay if I don't get anyone to follow.
It can be my little secret.
As for my identity, my whereabouts, the people I hang out with. I'll try for the most part to alter their identities, but more than likely, as my expressive nature will reveal I am pretty translucent.
Again, this is for me. My sanity (more or less).
For your enjoyment.
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