The Slav situation never panned out.
We had lunch again and I was introduced to more individuals, but I think my fantasy optimism got the best of me and I got carried away with the notion that I can have anyone.
The fact that this Thursday happened really shows how amazing I look.
I know I know, the last thing anyone wants to read about (not that I have many followers) is about self gloating and substantial amounts of a conceited nature from this individual, but I think it's about time for some confidence in this blog.
Though it fails that my confidence is somewhat reliant on the ability to track men. I guess it's my lack of a father figure with the combination of being overweight my entire childhood facilitates my need for "manly" (ha) attention... But I regress
Thursday in the afternoon I asked my guy roommate to hang out later that night. I didn't want to go out and honestly just wanted to watch a movie with him. He seemed content on accompanying me later on in the evening.
So after dog sitting for my friend and upon his completion of a school assignment we had gone out and rented a movie.
I had had a few ciders before, figuring that since there was no school on Friday due to homecoming, drinking was welcome, I even encouraged him to go obtain some alcohol for himself.
The ride there I we were talking, as we often did regarding what we want in our lives. It has been a while since I've reached out and done the whole self-deprecation spiel. But I was in a bad spot. It has not been a successful year guy wise. But then again, do I really want to commit to something that might change in less than a year?
I mentioned to him something about how men aren't interested in a gal like me. That guys just want the blonde, tall, skinny, air head with big breasts and not the curvy, short, brunette with olive skin. He told me that I shouldn't sell myself short.
Upon arriving back to the house, we drank and talked. Talked for hours. Talked through the movie (which I watched today in a sober state).
I was giggling. Delighted with life and just jubilant. It was a nice state of mind. I kept sitting closer and closer. I kept talking to him and would slightly touch his leg. He leaned in. I leaned in. I put my head on his shoulder.
In a slight moment of clarity I asked if he was okay. The last thing I want is to be pushing my boundaries with someone who is just going with the motions.
He said it was alright. It was nice to have someone rest their head on his shoulder. It had been a while, according to him.
The movie ended, I of course, confused since I had not watched any of it. We got up and I'm not sure what led to it, but he had said (his exact words) : "The things I would do to you if you were not my roommate"
I don't think I've heard something scream TOUCH ME as loud as that.
I went in for the kill, of course, I was the one that ended up hurt in the end - but in the make out session he wanted more.
So we explored the nature of anatomy.
He would not stop complementing me.
I don't think I've ever been so flattered in my life.
He was telling me whatever I was doing was working
Just the very nature of my body seemed incredibly attractive for him.
More than anything, it's nice to get positive feedback. I know it's vain, but after the break up I've been trying to work on my physique. I've been running, biking and swimming and it's nice to know that the triathlete approves.
He wanted me to deflower him.
If I didn't already mention, the boy was is a virgin.
As much as I played around with the notion of others to take advantage of him, I knew that someone like him, a definite sentimental hopeless romantic, was not looking for an easy lay. His other head was talking and it would just complicate things.
It was fun. But I guess the realization of his actions hit him hard.
He told me that his background, the baggage that he drags with him, about how his conservative upbringing and religious past linger in the back of his mind and he feels guilt.
There are various ways I feel about this notion.
Confused, because sadly enough I don't have the ability to empathize. Not to sound like a cold bitch, but my scrupulous nature isn't ascribed to a religious sense (not that it's a bad thing...nor am I condemning or condoning, I just am apathetically respectful, I guess you can say).
Also perplexed because why live a life of regret? Things happen, accept. Move on and base your next decisions of your previous ones.
Upset, it was something that I thought I wanted. Something consistent with a good guy with minimal feelings. He was the one even advocating it and was telling me, "this is not going to be anything serious." Which, in our exchanges, he knew it was something I could relate with. "It will be consistent, with not much to it, like you wanted." he claimed.
Things have lightened up and both of us are acting like it never happened. My mind still goes back to it. Touching the outline of his body and grabbing onto his soft hair. Kissing his soft lips (and remembering him exclaiming, "you are an amazing kisser!"...I am always a fan of that remark)
In the back of my mind, I'm pretty upset.
I really liked him, aside from all of the sexual tension, I liked him. He was a sweet, nice boy.
But we really are not compatible.
The dead give away is his mama's boy tendency.
I learned from the last ex to stay away from people like that.
In all honesty, I don't want anything serious until I can establish my own financial ability so that way I don't hold resentment or expectation of them to provide for me. I want my own access to transportation so that way I don't have to rely on them and end up like the last relationship I was in, stuck together for reasons other than love or what have you.
I went out the next night with some semi attractive friends and flirted with them.
It seemed to help.
I just need a way out of this environment. Here's hoping things end up for the better.
For your enjoyment.
