It's days like this I wish I was dead.

Would that be enough to Baker Act me?

Even then, they wouldn't have shit on me I suppose.

It's days off. It's the weekend. It's my fault for wanting a normal day of nothing.

I seriously just wanted one day off from the world. This is the second time I tried doing something like this.

I just think my mom and brother are out to get my mental health.
I just want to run away and never come back.

I'm tired of having to deal with self ritious behavior.
I'm tired of being called fat, even though I'm trying everything possible.
Im tired of my mom telling me all I do is eat.

God, fuck you.
I'm all about struggle, but I can't take this shit anymore.
I wish I had the balls to fucking kill myself sometimes.

For your enjoyment.

Pointeless endeavor

Facebook has a nasty way of encouraging people to things that they shouldn't be interested in.
Even if you sort of repulsed by them, the past makes you crave that naive, ignorant demeanor and wants you to go back to that state of mind.

I added this boy that I was, I guess you can say fuck buddies, with.
Why?
I guess it involved something of his sister coming around and asking me why I wasn't friends with him on facebook. We honestly didn't have anything substantial. Why should I care if I was friends with him or not.
So I did it, he accepted, apparently he viewed it the same way.

It's whatever. I don't miss him. He's honestly horribly skinny.
I hate people who have that ability.
I swim 400 meters, non stop - 1000 in total. Then lift weights and 20 mins of some sort of cardio after 3 times a week...and I'm technically on the border of being normal and overweight. I eat salads practically everyday when I'm not out with friends. I take care of myself.

My genetics simply hate me. I'm heart healthy, but damn. I just want to fit into a size 5 jean again.

I guess in the way my genetics hate mes, his hate him, because like I said, he's a friggin stick.

But I guess the point here isn't my vanity or my critique on others. It's that my apathy for wanting someone isn't apathy. I just haven't felt anything with anyone because I'm seriously not attracted to anyone in both the physical and personality aspect.

I guess I seem redundant, I guess that's an understatement, in mentioning this topic, but I don't even know why it's of great importance.

I don't even pain like I used to. I don't even put forth the importance on it like I've done before.
I guess it's just me growing up and realizing that I have to put myself first and if I have to share my time with someone else, I'll just morph back into a codependent idiot like some people.

I enjoy having my multiple groups of friends, and at the moment, they are what make me feel whole. I don't need some asshole to feed me bullshit lines and only wants to be with me to stick his 'd' in my 'p.' The whole relationship concept seems to me to be a romanticized farce.

It makes people feel like crap that they aren't good enough for the person that they want, and want only merely for their looks and their pleasant personality, and eventually their ideal of what that person is or could be. Ultimately people seem to settle for less than they deserve, is it because they feel that that's what is meant for them? Less than the best. Because they can't wait around for something better to come along?

Whatever the case is, all my life I've put everything on hold in order to obtain something greater. I pretty much put my social life on hold in senior year to get crap done, and even then I put my life on hold in high school for the greater good of my education.
I'm in school now in a place where I don't do as well socially because I'm here for education. That's always been my priority. Education and career. I don't care for my family and I'm slowly not caring about having a boyfriend/girlfriend.

More and more I just see it less necessary. I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty. I don't need someone to do romantic things for me. I don't need someone to love me. I guess in my search and desire for complete independence, I know that I'm worth people's time.

Obsession continues in one way or another.

I honestly just need a pet. Something to smother my attention and love with.
But too bad I have to wait another year.
Until then I guess I'll use my friends who have one as an excuse to come over.


For your enjoyment.

The summer is about to close

I have a hard time keeping up with writing in this thing
Or in my journal.

I feel like I don't document my emotions anymore because I don't care to hold on to the grudges, the wasted lustful, or loving emotions.

I just continue onto what's next.

That's pretty much what I've been doing this summer.
Chaos has erupted, as always.
But simpler things like friendship have persuaded me into enjoying the bits of home.

I feel like I've done so much. Even if others have traveled to different countries, interned in other states or stayed in the University for school, I can say I fully enjoyed my summer.

I've made new friends and strengthened the ones I knew already.
In order for this to happen, the link that held us all as a group was broken.
Sadly on her part, but after realization of her depressive, pushy ways, I wasn't about to go out of my way any more to hang out with her.
Her friends felt the same way. We close the gap and have been hanging out since.

I hung out with my ex and he brought a friend. I became his friend and he introduced me to more friends and got my best friend a replacement boyfriend. I just hope she doesn't forget about me.

All in all, that's my only concern at this point.

I don't want to be abandoned by my friends for potential lovers.
A treacherous thought, but incredibly possible.
Especially since I hang out with a bunch of guys.
How many guys do you know hang out with their "chick" (for lack of a better word, girl friend would only have made it more complicated in contexts) friends?
Not many.

It's incredibly disheartening. Especially when I've lived it in one specific case. My friend in my freshman year, early sophomore, we were inseparable. He found a girlfriend and I never hear from him.
I don't want to live a life of using up a friendship until they, or I (although doubtful) find a mate.

Is that what life is all about?

We are only destined to be with one other person.

That bores the hell out of me.

Even with having friends that are girls, on my part. It's the same process.

No matter what I do, if I try for love or try for friendship, I'm going to be alone.

What bullocks.



I want a pug.
My friend's mom breeds them. I have fallen in love with that dog. I seriously want a pug with that much spunk and love and enthusiasm for seeing me.

I guess if I had one it would absolve my fear of being alone, until it died, I suppose. Too bad I won't be able to have one for some time. Damn apartment.

I'm trying to get another job for while I'm in school. I only hope that it goes through. I've sent out my resume to about ten law firms, with probably typo'd out antics on the paper. But I just will have to wait for a response.

I guess in a week I'll fax them if they don't respond.
I wouldn't know where else to work. That's pretty much the bulk of my working experience, in an office. More than what most can say, but how I manage to get these jobs, I'll never know.


As usual, the boy realm is vast and empty.
Nothing really surprising there.

Well, not much more to add at the moment.

For your enjoyment