Progression and contemplation

The darnest thing.

I sit in my bathroom with no other place to go in my house. Ridiculous.

Here is the thing: Mother decided to purchase a new mattress. She didn't like it and returned it. Turns out that they took it back, and the next day her other new mattress comes in.

I don't understand why the transaction could not occur on the same day.

Nor why I must fall victim to not having a space to sit and waste my time before I attempt sleep.

As you probably guessed, she's off in my bed sleeping. I had to pull out the blow up mattress...which I sink right into. Accompanied by her lovely soothing snores that make me want to rip my ears out and stuff the holes with acid.
My dad is off in the living room on one of the couches, which is is directly connected to the kitchen and right in front of the patio, where the light shines brightly when turned on.

Fun stuff. I have a few more hours before I can have my reclaimed room until I go back to school.

I am on vacation.


I didn't do so hot in school, and my grades could have been better.

It's not that bad though. I managed an A, A-, and two B's. Still, I didn't really try in those classes until the second half of it, where my grade was taking a dive into the restricted area. I could have done better and should have. But I shouldn't try to beat myself up about it. I will take this and learn from it.


I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about life in general.

I've learned that there is a need to focus in school and socialize outside of it, but the true way to succeed is to balance everything.

The year started out slow, and in disaster, as my earlier entries have mentioned. The bike, the weight gain. Not having an established group of friends. I was pretty down and completely missing my friends from my home. [Which now are hardly to be seen, mainly because Bianca is off using one of her guy friends and doesn't love me anymore, but Ari is still there for me, like always].
Times came around and I managed a good few group of friends and was utterly bored with my classes. I didn't even bother reading or keeping up with the material. I was out having fun or doing nothing with my friends.
Exams came around which I hardly studied for. I was so bored and unmotivated and lacked any drive when it came to my seemingly retarded classes.
Boy was that dumb of me.
When it came to school and trying to have friends, I made having friends a top priority. I attended a group that helps out with sustainability on campus along with another group that specializes in campus entertainment and puts on shows for free. It was fine and everything, but I didn't really make the kind of friends that I wanted. I also went into it thinking that I would find a cute guy somewhere in the works.

Needless to say, UF got uglier, and I, more sad about that prospect.

But returning to where I was going, I grouped myself with trying to fit in everywhere and was the token outcast of every group.
I was the omnivore with the vegetarian/vegans
I was the one who liked alternative with the indie freaks
I was the one still dressing up as a skater girl (which I am now changing, I am tired of looking like a sixteen year old. Ugh. Thank you mom for the beginnings of an altered wardrobe to only increase in its fashion sense) amongst the overly/under-dressed
I was the communication major with the political science major
I was the politically indifferent/ignorant with the driven politically
I was the not-so-punk with the punked out crusties
I was the straight girl with the gay guys
It was pretty lame. I tried so hard to fit in.

But unlike many who do try, I didn't fail.

I did fit in. My overall being pushed me into those circles and they accepted me as well as any group would in an atmosphere like that. I was happy.
I became an almost socialite (at least in my head)
There were parties and people, but I only kept one thing in mind.
Guys.
Would there be guys? Would they be cute? Would they be straight (this one takes priority)?

Whatever my motivation was, I spent too much time trying to make it to the party than just buckling down and studying.
But I think I can get over that and over myself on this one. There is no point beating a dead horse.

I lived. I learned. I will carry through with what I have learned and put it into my future actions. Next!


I have learned that parties are fun, but in excess, either the parties themselves or the amount of any drug consumed, can make for chaotic often regretful situations or just lame individuals.

Ugh. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to you.
I hate weed. I hate what it does to you.

I can be pretty sure that that has been a good reason to why, despite my advanced activity, I have not been putting off the pound pudge. I suppose that and midnight snacks with friends don't help any either.

I can be sure that half of the action I managed to get guy-wise was because of induced inebriation.

I hate how stupid you get. I hate how I become the joke at the party of gay guys (which I will now not go to as often, because that really seals the deal of 'not getting any' unless it's another drunk gay) and they provoke you in your drunken stupor to drink more.

So I'm done with it. Not completely of course, that would be hysterical. Two drinks MAX... ugh just remembering my stupid antics..
I remember going to Sal's 21st birthday and completely getting trashed. No one needs to deal with that.

I get out of hand without any stimulants/depressants. What am I thinking ingesting such things?

But with that out of the way, I also hate what weed does.

I did it once again, when I was drunk. Go figure.

But occasional use is fine. Especially in the cliche of experimental use in this stage of life. But the group of friends which I had seriously got attached to the substance.

It became a monthly thing.
Then every time we would get drunk.
Then about once a week.
Until it was every time that there was free time or they did something to amplify the sensation of awesomeness.

It got lame really quick.

I don't like it because I have had an instance of having a short term boyfriend replace me with his use of weed. He had to get high to see me. That was pretty lame. He was dumb. He was stupid. I hated that dick head. He is probably off in an alley doing crack and selling himself.
I hope he is.

I also don't see a point in using it. You just dumb yourself down or chill yourself out. It's pointless to me...

ANYWAY, back to the point. They ultimately dissected themselves from hanging out with us, and when they did see us, they were high.
They also got really grimey and I'm sure didn't bathe. Making needless trips to obtain random drugs and taking even harder stuff to feel good.

It's a shame, even more so because of their depression and low self-esteem they managed to completely alter their priorities for their next "fix" (if you will).

Things won't be the same. I know they won't. I'm okay with that though.

I've learned change just keeps happening. I shouldn't fight it, just go with it and make the best of what I can with what it gives me.

I know that was pretty lame, but it's different when you figure it out for yourself. Even if it is a constant discovery.


I have struggled with the notion that I really don't need a boy (or girl) to make me happy, and
that I should be focusing on myself.

I do, but I don't.

I want one. But not to marry.
I want one. But not to weigh me down.
I want one. Sometimes.

I just get lonely sometimes. The things that I want to do are often replaced with my friends finding other, closer individuals, who, because of proximity, personality or just the fact that I am the type of individuals who seems to be disposable, has someone else to do it with.

I guess its on me. I've been spoiled over the summer with Bianca always calling me and trying for my attention. But I realize that now I have to be the one that makes that effort. Otherwise I'm going to be alone for a lot longer than I want to be.

Of course, the preliminary notion is based on friends and activities with friends, but I wouldn't need to rely on friends so much if I had one constant, attractive, awesome, individual who was there consistently.

And hence, the ideal of the boyfriend comes in. And why I want one.

But with the drama. The frustration. The lack of attractive nature in this year's bunch. I know in essence I am better off withholding from obtaining one.

If I could.

I mean, I could. But it is the usual game of I like, they don't or they like, but I don't.
First of all. It's horribly frustrating. You end up led on with false impressions (fuck you Josh). Or some other random negative thing.

Besides. All the guys in this stage just want to hit it and quit it. Use, abuse, and lose it.

Which I can understand myself.
I've had many suitors come after me and I didn't fall through the cracks because I didn't think I should have settled. I still don't think I should settle. (I am after all, the entire package...hehe)

Not being able to obtain a guy with the same mentality that I have obviously makes it difficult.
I mean it also makes it difficult if a guy still has his v-card (WHICH SO MANY GUYS DO).

Besides. I'm going to law school out of this fucking state. There is no way in hell I would need to go through another heart breaking breakup


I have a lot going for me. I don't need a boy to slow me down...

I have struggled with my retched weight gain and am still trying to do something about it, but i'm still attractive. I shouldn't let that keep me down. I am awesome.

Yea. I feel like such a fatty. 130. The last time I weighed this much was in my freshman year of high school, five years ago. What happened? Who knows.

I am working on bettering myself. Cutting back on late night snacks. Less drinking. Running and swimming. Muscle building.

It took me six months to put on this weight. It will take me probably six to take it off.
I've done it before. I can do it again.

I just don't want to do it again.

It was subtle. But what really took me over was summer time. I let myself go. I will never take another four months off again. That is way too long.

I would have worked on it as I got into school, but with my breaking my arm preventing me from swimming and my increased drinking tendencies out of hand into the eventual eating at midnight then sleeping, it was not likely that I was going to lose any weight that way.

I'm working on it. That's what matters.


So how are things now


Good. I've spent the entirety of my short-lived break sleeeeeping and doing nothing.

Which is good. I don't care to go out much. I'm happy just playing video games and relaxing. I know once I get back to school I am going to go full steam ahead.

I managed an internship at the area's chamber of commerce and am super excited.

I have classes that actually interest me and cannot wait to indulge in their knowledge.

I hope things turn out different. I know they will, but I hope that this semester goes a bit better.

Not to say that the last semester ultimately blew hard. Just, it had its rough patches. Mainly the guy issue and the school issue. I can work on school. But guys, well that's all up to fate, now isn't it?

I obviously haven't been posting frequently for that matter because I have been busy.
Maybe next semester will be different...


For your enjoyment.