And so the single life begins

Since the break up, I was mingling around with an old fling.

I was having fun. I mean, a lot of fun. But the guy is in Grad school...and law school...and has a job. So his priorities are school (x2), work, homework, being fit and such.

To a certain degree I can relate. I was not going to gie him a lot of crap about not being able to follow me down or giving me the time of day. But I tired of chasing him down and having it seem one-sided.

I'm not one for chasing. Just teasing, as I'm sure I emphasized.

So I broke off the only good thing I had going, not that it was really all the good (the situation, everything else was pretty sweet.)

I had another expectation that many had driven into my head. It was just some shmuck who I made out with at a party. It was a while ago, but it was pretty intense.

The boy has had a lot of family issues go on, so I was not going to give him guff about not keeping up with chasing me down.

We encountered again at his birthday/going away/ halloween party.
We got to talk. Then again met up as we went to the bathroom. We gave each other a good look at each other...sort of walked passed each other and then I pulled him into the bathroom.
He told me to meet up with him in his room.
I did.

Things escalated. He wanted to go in for the home run. I told him after the party was over.
We met up throughout the party and made out a few times

I thought I had a sure thing.
This would be my first attempt at a mutual one night stand, no strings attached type of deal.
Just to see if I could handle it.

He and some girl disappeared as the party was ending. I walked inside (since the party was outside) and there, two bodies stumbling around each other.

He closed the door.

I didn't know what to do. I was infuriated. Not that I had him in my hands. Not that he was my boyfriend. But I was sure as hell not going to be anyone's sloppy seconds.

I walked in.
I went up to his face as his mouth was still attached to some subpar wench
I exclaimed, "fuck your shit."
I left the party.

I'm still bummed out about the entire process. But in all honesty, I'm glad it nothing happened.

I've never been the type to sleep around.
I guess this mental induction's was fate telling me not to stray from my ways.
A constant reminder to focus on school and not getting laid.

I cannot be more grateful for his mistake.
But at the same time, I cannot be more bummed out that this pattern of singledom is a constant failure and my beauty is just a waste of matter.

I just want to be appreciated, but I'm in the wrong environment asking from the wrong people who don't even understand half of the things I do and cannot empathize with half of the things I've been through.

I know I'm just asking for too much.

My latest obsession is my roommate, a guy, just to clarify.
He's sweet.
Fit.
Caring.

But a virgin.
Which wouldn't be such a bummer if he knew how to convey emotion.
But I should take the fact that he's not attempting anything with me as a sign that it's not going to work out, nor should I keep in mind that it will.

But not knowing for certain keeps me day dreaming.
Something I wish my mind would stray away from since it can only create unrealistic expectations and heartache from the denial of those expectations.

For your enjoyment.