I'm pretty horny.

It's been about six months since I last had sex.

I'm not too happy with that realization.

I kind of just want to masturbate. But it never really substitutes for the hot, sweaty, passionate bodies thrusting against each other in a lustful embrace as the dramatized inhale and exhale of each person as they penetrate each other creates a sense of bliss and ecstasy.

Fuck.
I need to get laid.

I keep thinking naughty thoughts of him.

We met up the other day.
It was chill.
I keep wanting more. I let my mind wander sometimes, but I have to pull it back once I remember that this is nothing serious.

Deep.
Platonic.
Relationship.

Otherwise known as the friends zone and full of utter bullshit.

Damn. I'm never getting laid at this rate.

And yes, I know the hullabaloo of other people would probably whip it out in a second.
Ugh. Just ugh.

I'm just slowly not caring.

For your enjoyment.

What I never wanted.

How is it that I attract the people I don't want?

Is it my blatant disregard for them that make them pine for me?
Is it my flirty nature that intrigues them and makes them think that because I'm available, I'm interested.

Sorry to say. I'm not.
And I wish they would get the picture.

It makes me realize how much of a nuisance I can be at times. But I've tried to stay away from being like that.
I think this semester I've done a relatively good job at doing so.

But jumping the gun as always. I guess, like the motif in my life, staying single is inevitable.
Despite my looks, body, charm, and charisma.
Sometimes I wish I was a man.

I would go after someone I want and would smother them with affection.

But do I even want that now? I guess so, In the back of my head I tend to drift off with thoughts of this boy...but again, like everyone has been telling me. It's pointless. (I'm going to cease communication from him from now on. I think it would be better that way.)

But even if I talk trash behind their backs (very lady like), even if I ignore all advances and tell them that I have other things to do time after time.
Why do they persist?

Why don't others persist. Is it my punishment for something I did in a prior life? Or a constant karma kick for being semi-vile with these individuals.

I wish some things would sort themselves out.

For your enjoyment.

Not so great of a day, as you can tell by the posts.

when i get depressed

I spiral out of control

It's funny how things maintain some awesomeness, and then out of nowhere you start to sink in the quicksand of complication.

If you struggle, you sink more.
If you try to ease out of it, although it takes longer, you escape.

But how long will it take for me to escape without starving to death?

For your enjoyment.

The problem with my mom.

She's incredibly smart. She's outspoken. She stands up for what she wants and fights the crowd even if everyone is pushing her back.

She is just incredibly hostile.

I'm incredibly skilled in communicating.
I have substantial amount of empathy, despite my emotional imbalance.
I try to have a certain amount of patience with people.

It's just with her.
I lose it.
She is intolerant. Self-absorbed. She has a ridiculous inability to communicate effectively.

It really frustrates me.
It makes me not want to go home for the summer.

God help me.

For your enjoyment.

The eternal "he loves me, he loves me not" bullshit.

Which is why I get disappointed just as much, but hurts a lot less.

Yea, I give up. The first sign of failure and I'm throwing in the towel.
I'm better off without anyone.

I have to keep telling myself that.
Besides, he doesn't want commitment. Just some form of parody of it.
I don't want a farce.

Sometimes I wish I was apathetic to everything all the time.

I guess it's time to turn on the switch.

For your enjoyment.

Boycentric, Yes. But maybe it's okay.

Despite summer.
Despite his exams.
Despite everything.

I would like to think he really likes me.

I have no problem with it being platonic.
Not now. I wonder how he feels about kissing. cuddling. hand holding.
Just affection, nothing sexual.

I'm pretty over sex at the moment.

I'm such a sucker. I keep imagining us holding hands, at least the first moment.

GOD I'm such a cheeseball. I can't help it. He's making an effort to hang out with me. I like it.

WHY SUMMER WHY???
At least I prolonged my destination from campus. Last year I learned better than to leave early. It was chaos.

But this time things seem to be going smoothly.
I'm just excited for this last minute crush that seems to be progressing.
It's pretty much exactly what I wanted.
Commitment for the sake of companionship.

I can deal with that without a problem.

For your enjoyment

Why Dealing With Virgins is Such a Turnoff.

God dammit.

I know you like me.
You know I like you.

You even said to me, "I like what we have now" concerning a platonic relationship, I didn't freak out.
Granted I might want more. I want romance. I want to be held. I want to be loved. I want something with substance.

But I understand things have to lead up to that. I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to date. I'm willing to abide by your rules.

But YOU have to instigate the forward motion. Turn the wheel. Take the lead. Listen to the motivational cliche's that instigate going forward.

As crazy as I get. As much I analyze it, will it matter?
It's summer. It seems like a failed attempt. I'm willing to start something and come back to it to rekindle our crushes.
But are you?

Probably not.
I have the worst luck when it comes to boy opportunities.

It's just another sign from God.

You're beautiful. Don't forget it. Here's some self-esteem and flattery.
But focus on your education and career pursuits.
Because romance isn't in your life.

Or for that matter, platonic sexual tension.

For your enjoyment.

Spurt of Happiness

He asked me for my number today.

I'm telling you, I have the luck of things coming up and then having it be the end of the year or a break of some sort fuck that up.

We were just sitting there in a group just talking amongst ourselves like we do around lunch time. I rather enjoy being able to meet up with the same people over and over. I am sadly a creature of habit that sometimes want new things to appear.

Anyway, he comes along every now and then. He's a friend of a friend who is now my friend. When he first came around I made it known that I had an immense interest for him. We had some sort of interest in each other.

Then of course spring break came up.
He ended up making out with some chic or whatever.

He avoided me the following week. It was dumb.

The next Friday we met up and just hung out. It's nice. Whenever we are in a group we just section ourselves out and just talk. Everything is talked about, there are no restrictions and I'm always laughing my ass off.

He's potentially queer, like I am. He's clean. He's a man of science (how I love them). He is just pretty great.

Obviously I say that because I'm interested in him.

So people left the circle type structure. We just talked. and talked. and talked.

He told me how he was still a virgin (that wasn't difficult to decipher). How he hates body hair. How he questions his ability to be sexual, nearing on asexual. He doesn't find many people attractive.

I felt kind of like I was talking to myself. I could relate to what he was saying. A lot.

He liked being single, but he wanted a platonic relationship...maybe be friends first before he progresses into something.

And it's true. God, how I've lived rushing things. It ruins everything. It honestly does. I've ruined so many potential things because I want instant satisfaction and immediate intimacy.

It's funny how we flirt in conversation. How we say things we like about the person, but never directly to the individual. Fucking with their mind. We both were doing that. One time I mentioned blue eyes, the other time he remarking his dissatisfaction with breasts and liked legs and a nice ass.

It was cute.

We both left, but he pulled out his phone wondering if I had his, and I said no. I did at one point through facebook, but since the transition to another temporary phone, it was lost in the process. Complete bummer for sure...but I felt that if he had any interest in communicating with me he would ask.

My friend who was petitioning came around to tell me some things, in the middle the boy of interest had asked me "what is your number." Of course an instant smile appeared on my face. I looked at my petitioner friend and he smiled back.

I love those moments, that with a look, the words and feelings can be expressed perfectly.

He then left and I texted him back. It was the end of that experience.
As you can tell, it's been awhile since something along those lines has occurred.
I don't want to jump for joy.

He had told me that he should keep up with people a lot better. He asked if I was going to be here this summer, which I will if I can't find a job while at home. So I don't know my situation this summer. It was really cute. I was really happy.

I just don't want to be a forgotten thought.

I know I will continually think about him, but I don't want to be the one that is the first to text him. He probably feels the same way.

I'm just happy I managed some attention, but at the same time upset that I know it won't go through.

Oh well.

Just another meaningless event in my life.

For your enjoyment.

Full of negativity

Well, I guess I never thought about it.

I gave my friend a link to this crummy blog.
He asked me was there a happy page.

I told him no, it was pretty much a place to vent, I suppose.

He asked me when the last time I was actually happy.

I never thought about it. But I haven't been happy in ages.

I used to be. What happened?

The only thing I can pinpoint my ability to not be happy is referencing Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

I lack a sense of love/belonging. Boohoo, right?

Just take me back to my happy days. I liked being happy and not as cynical.

Please?

For your enjoyment.

Eye Twitch, bad decisions are inevitable

OH SOLEMN OCCASION, YOU ARE ANOTHER DISTRESSED BLOG

of sorts.

Things seem to be getting better for the most part.
At least I have a roommate now.

It's nice. Knowing that there is someone that's in my position.

Even though I will have to live catless.
Sad day.

But at this point, with the commotion and agony not thinking things through has cost me, this has been six weeks of stress, partly due to the questionable nature of having a roommate. Well, all because of my lack of a roommate.

But I have one now. And she's alright. Allergic to cats, which is sad, but she's a decent person. I can totally deal.

I'm actually now excited at the thought of having my own room and furniture. Living there over the summer (hoping I get a job of course).

It's a nice relief.

The boy deal is pretty chaotic.
I love how I never emphasize a girl.

I obviously have double standards.

ANYWAY. I find that everyone is paired off. No one looks at me like they used to.
There was this one prospective individual. But at this point I feel as if that is a failed venture and not even worth the attempt.

I find his boyish goodlooks enticing. Oh well, the semester is almost over with. Time to return home. Where awaits only a jobless encounter and a daily reminder of my wasteful effort.

I'll at least help out with this one organization and hope for the best...
I just want money. Is it that difficult for someone of my caliber to find something mindnumbing and pay me to do it?

Aggravation.

I've been trying this, don't freak out/be as serious as you usually are/blocking it out as much as possible because everything will work out.

Who knows if it's working.
Who knows if everything will work out.

I'm just so damn impatient and too self absorbed to even notice if it did.

I just secretly hope things are working out.
I hope something will come up.
I don't know what to expect anymore.

Rawr.

For your enjoyment.

Will my April showers bring May flowers?

April seems so horrible.

Trying to find a job. Trying to find a roommate. Trying to get my mental health in check.

It's almost over.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.

Why do I always pick my education over my emotional welfare?
My friends here suck.
It's always so sketchy. There has to be something wrong with me.

I mean, there has to be. Mentally...and physically.
Exercising an hour a day about obviously isn't working. I'm only gaining more weight. I'm up to 135 now. I don't know how that happened.
My legs are awesome. But I have a horrible gut. I guess I should just do sit ups, but I don't know why I haven't been motivated to do that.

I'm just some ugly blob. I don't feel good about myself. I feel annoying. I feel untalented. I feel all of these horrible things.

My world seems to be crashing down.


Why? It is just my perception?

I hate not having control of my social life. I hate having to constantly reach out.
Whatever. I should get over myself.

I have plenty of options for distractions.

I wish I didn't have motivations, so I could just waste away my worries with drugs.
I think I'm going to stop eating as much.

I know the repercussions of anorexia...but I looked so much better with an eating disorder than I did without...

I at least got attention that way.

Does anything matter anymore
Why do I even bother living if I feel like everything I do is just a failure.

For your enjoyment

Trying to find a Roommate is like trying to find a good boyfriend, and we all know I am skilled with the latter...

Well then my friend.

Of course, another complication.

This is my blog of complications.

Get used to it, because I left my notebook I write in at home.

Good stuff.

I'm doing a group project with some people. I kind of have a crush on this one girl I'm getting along with. She's gorgeous. She's funny. She is someone I would want to date, if she wasn't such a hardcore catholic.

I'm no spatula. and I'm not going to bother, she is an awesome person, despite my crush on her. I just wished that she wouldn't graduate so early...or that I would've met her earlier.

Oh well. Another time I suppose.

I just told my friend about the crush. She's telling me to corrupt her.

I doubt it.

Whatever.

I find that group projects can be surprisingly good bonding experiences. The last major one that was a semi success, I still talk to the guy every now and then. He has a mad crush on me, but it's too back he's going to graduate soon.

Whatever.

I called the organizations back that wanted to hear from me, I didn't hear from them. I hope tomorrow I get a call, maybe Friday, but I am defintely calling the Career Resource Center back

All this damn waiting is annoying. I want results and I want them now, dammit.

My roommate situation is pretty annoying at the moment. I have no idea what's going on and am about ready to take on mass marketing.

Let's hope for the best with that one. Ugh

For your enjoyment.

Even in my dreams, my hidden wants haunt me

I had a dream that I was talking to someone and they were discussing a crush that I have...you know like an inactive virus, it only surfaces when conditions are right...and that person liked me and he would pursue something if he wasn't in a relationship.

It felt nice in the dream, but in reality...I know that wouldn't happen.


I went to the river with my friends and it was pretty awesome. It was a beautiful day, and because it was easter, there was hardly anyone there. Out of town or in church, not us.

It was two couples and a friend, who has a boyfriend but isn't currently in the same county for his own personal reasons.

I had fun. I got intensely brown. It rocked my world. I was really happy that a group of my friends finally decided to do something outdoorsy, I knew it was going to be incredible. I wish that this would happen more often, maybe next time we could go to the coast?

The water was clear, the surroundings were impressive, we ended up going up again. At the second time around the river we ended up jumping off this tree. It was pretty awesome.

I did it twice. I about died the first time around. I'll never know how I managed to get up there without complication, my fingers tingle with just the thought of it.

I did enjoy it, but there were definite longings.

I longed for my awesome body I used to have. I still have six more months to get where I want, I guess my 'freshman fifteen' was going to hit at one point, and it just hit later on as I was finally adjusting to college with having friends. That I at least have hope that I might one day get back, I hope so anyway.

I longed for companionship. My friend pointed out to me later on how she could tell at times that I was a bit down on not having someone.

I hate being so transparent.

It's on and off at this point. I find it hard to have a legitimate attraction for someone. Looks are good, but if they lack interest (duh) and lack a personality (no bros, hos) then I'm probably not going to budge.

I'm too picky. I guess, but like I said before, I'm not going to force something upon myself.
Last thing I need is to settle.

Maybe I was meant to do good in this world through my career. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a family. Every notable historical figure that is looked up upon as a leader had to make a self sacrifice. Maybe this one is mine. To be alone for the rest of my life.

What a bittersweet lifetime.

For your enjoyment.