Damn those foreigners

Not that I care if they take 'our jobs,' because I don't
Actually, this has nothing to do with the influx of minorities within the U.S. and the assumed consequences that follow as a result of having immigrants within the country.

This is more about how

I

Fall

Hard

for an exchange student.
Always.

Or so the trend has been.

My latest encounter and my version of God sending me a friggin bone (at least for eye candy) was today during lunch. I encountered a friend and announced the excitement that was finishing the first draft of my personal statement. I had some time to kill so I decided to sit.
Some random individual in the group invited some guy to come over and sit.

His face was punch in the gut attractive.
His body was slap in the face fit.
His eyes were pull my hair out big and blue.

One of my flaws, I'm pretty obvious when I'm attracted to an individual. It's pretty easy to pick up on it.
Another one of my flaws, I believe that I deserve that amazingly attractive model looking man.
I've been spoiled with the few that have shown attraction to me. Now, whether it's my confidence or I am legitimately attractive (or an amazing combination of both) I'll never know.

The only men I've been managing to get are those in bars or in some inebriated state, which is fun, but FLIRTING.
Oh man, flirting is just a thrilling experience.
I know pheromones are involved, but how about endorphins?

We talked in the circle. He was Slavik. He seemed interested.

The problem was some other man was trying to get my attention.
The problem was some other girl was trying to get his attention.

I wasn't going to fight. Not there. Not then.
If I'm wanted, they'll go for it. I'm done with deal with bitch men.
After the boyfriend, after the fling, after the party failure - no more chasing on my part.

The girl left momentarily and we began to chat again. He was interested.
I asked his name.
He mentioned it and gave me a European kiss on each cheek greeting.
I'm sure I was blushing.

Some oaf did the same thing to me after the Slav had done it.
My blushing face went from red to wan in an instant.
He wasn't slick. Poor guy, I just wasn't interested in him.

The girl returned and I decided it was my cue to leave.
Luckily he frequents the lunch area as much as I do.

We'll see what happens. But for now, he'll remain an unfulfilled daydream just like everyone else.

For your enjoyment.

And so the single life begins

Since the break up, I was mingling around with an old fling.

I was having fun. I mean, a lot of fun. But the guy is in Grad school...and law school...and has a job. So his priorities are school (x2), work, homework, being fit and such.

To a certain degree I can relate. I was not going to gie him a lot of crap about not being able to follow me down or giving me the time of day. But I tired of chasing him down and having it seem one-sided.

I'm not one for chasing. Just teasing, as I'm sure I emphasized.

So I broke off the only good thing I had going, not that it was really all the good (the situation, everything else was pretty sweet.)

I had another expectation that many had driven into my head. It was just some shmuck who I made out with at a party. It was a while ago, but it was pretty intense.

The boy has had a lot of family issues go on, so I was not going to give him guff about not keeping up with chasing me down.

We encountered again at his birthday/going away/ halloween party.
We got to talk. Then again met up as we went to the bathroom. We gave each other a good look at each other...sort of walked passed each other and then I pulled him into the bathroom.
He told me to meet up with him in his room.
I did.

Things escalated. He wanted to go in for the home run. I told him after the party was over.
We met up throughout the party and made out a few times

I thought I had a sure thing.
This would be my first attempt at a mutual one night stand, no strings attached type of deal.
Just to see if I could handle it.

He and some girl disappeared as the party was ending. I walked inside (since the party was outside) and there, two bodies stumbling around each other.

He closed the door.

I didn't know what to do. I was infuriated. Not that I had him in my hands. Not that he was my boyfriend. But I was sure as hell not going to be anyone's sloppy seconds.

I walked in.
I went up to his face as his mouth was still attached to some subpar wench
I exclaimed, "fuck your shit."
I left the party.

I'm still bummed out about the entire process. But in all honesty, I'm glad it nothing happened.

I've never been the type to sleep around.
I guess this mental induction's was fate telling me not to stray from my ways.
A constant reminder to focus on school and not getting laid.

I cannot be more grateful for his mistake.
But at the same time, I cannot be more bummed out that this pattern of singledom is a constant failure and my beauty is just a waste of matter.

I just want to be appreciated, but I'm in the wrong environment asking from the wrong people who don't even understand half of the things I do and cannot empathize with half of the things I've been through.

I know I'm just asking for too much.

My latest obsession is my roommate, a guy, just to clarify.
He's sweet.
Fit.
Caring.

But a virgin.
Which wouldn't be such a bummer if he knew how to convey emotion.
But I should take the fact that he's not attempting anything with me as a sign that it's not going to work out, nor should I keep in mind that it will.

But not knowing for certain keeps me day dreaming.
Something I wish my mind would stray away from since it can only create unrealistic expectations and heartache from the denial of those expectations.

For your enjoyment.

Recovery

I'm passed the point of scorning his existence and now I just want the sick satisfaction I have with all men and want him to want me.

The problem is he has a girlfriend.

So he's obviously not interested in me.
I feel petty for feeling like this.

It's just a matter of talking it out, writing it out, to calm me down.

I mean, why should this affect me in anyway.

I don't want him. I don't want to be with him. He is the reason why for many of the events that led to my initial down fall before the plunge of mortality shook my foundation. He is the reason why I never bothered to go out with people.

That is not healthy.
So why do I feel so spiteful if I don't care about him in that manner?

I just want to show him I'm better off without him and have him be a little perturbed about that reality.

I just want to succeed beyond everyone's expectation.
But I'm so impatient and so burnt out, all I am now is frustrated with life.

Which in turn is making me want to go out and dance and get the attention of everyone. Have everyone in the palm of my hands.

That's it.

But for now, I need to focus and realize that there are better things out there. It's just hard every now and then to see that.

For your enjoyment

New Beginning

So he broke up with me.
Through text message, but that's not surprising. He was after all a bit of a...well...bitch.

It hurt so much. All I wanted was him to come back to me, but I knew he wasn't going to.

I ached. I pained. I cried. I moaned.
I spiraled out of control, again.
I called for help.

Someone, finally objective enough told me: Don't spend your time crying over him if you know he is not hurting as well.

And it was true.

Things slowly began to look up. And I seemed to have this evolution of sorts.
I was

HAPPY.

This strange emotion seemed to fill in the void of depression. Of course the pain of my attachment would recur in random fragments of the day, but overall I was happy. I was social. I was motivated to show the world a new, improved, better ME.

Sometimes I would feel sudden stabs, as I've mentioned before, but I got up even more determined to get on with life.

This mama's boy tard was not going to break me.

I went out. Clubbed. Partied. SOCIALIZED, oh my, have I missed the company of friends willing to GO OUT of their homes and DO SOMETHING.

I started watching what I eat...mainly through Krishna lunch, which is a semi-religious organization that serves vegetarian/vegan food. But hey, it's a start.
I started working out almost every day.
So far I've lost five lbs, but my legs and arms look amazing and my stomach is slowly following.

I'm happy. I'm even sort of kind of dating this grad/law student.
Better than anyone who is going to be an air traffic controller.

Things are looking up. I just need to better manage my time.