Recovery

I'm passed the point of scorning his existence and now I just want the sick satisfaction I have with all men and want him to want me.

The problem is he has a girlfriend.

So he's obviously not interested in me.
I feel petty for feeling like this.

It's just a matter of talking it out, writing it out, to calm me down.

I mean, why should this affect me in anyway.

I don't want him. I don't want to be with him. He is the reason why for many of the events that led to my initial down fall before the plunge of mortality shook my foundation. He is the reason why I never bothered to go out with people.

That is not healthy.
So why do I feel so spiteful if I don't care about him in that manner?

I just want to show him I'm better off without him and have him be a little perturbed about that reality.

I just want to succeed beyond everyone's expectation.
But I'm so impatient and so burnt out, all I am now is frustrated with life.

Which in turn is making me want to go out and dance and get the attention of everyone. Have everyone in the palm of my hands.

That's it.

But for now, I need to focus and realize that there are better things out there. It's just hard every now and then to see that.

For your enjoyment

New Beginning

So he broke up with me.
Through text message, but that's not surprising. He was after all a bit of a...well...bitch.

It hurt so much. All I wanted was him to come back to me, but I knew he wasn't going to.

I ached. I pained. I cried. I moaned.
I spiraled out of control, again.
I called for help.

Someone, finally objective enough told me: Don't spend your time crying over him if you know he is not hurting as well.

And it was true.

Things slowly began to look up. And I seemed to have this evolution of sorts.
I was

HAPPY.

This strange emotion seemed to fill in the void of depression. Of course the pain of my attachment would recur in random fragments of the day, but overall I was happy. I was social. I was motivated to show the world a new, improved, better ME.

Sometimes I would feel sudden stabs, as I've mentioned before, but I got up even more determined to get on with life.

This mama's boy tard was not going to break me.

I went out. Clubbed. Partied. SOCIALIZED, oh my, have I missed the company of friends willing to GO OUT of their homes and DO SOMETHING.

I started watching what I eat...mainly through Krishna lunch, which is a semi-religious organization that serves vegetarian/vegan food. But hey, it's a start.
I started working out almost every day.
So far I've lost five lbs, but my legs and arms look amazing and my stomach is slowly following.

I'm happy. I'm even sort of kind of dating this grad/law student.
Better than anyone who is going to be an air traffic controller.

Things are looking up. I just need to better manage my time.

I'm stuck again

Things have been better. I've felt better. No need to Baker act me people, I'm too much of a coward/rational person to pursue anything that would purposely harm me.

I've been thinking about commemorating my friend's death. Her roommate/practical sister as tatted herself up. I'm not sure if I would be capable of doing so. There are so many repercussions...I wish sometimes I was as impulsive.

The boy situation is...who knows.

I feel pretty okay about it at the moment, but his mom reminds me too much of... me.
Which is kind of creepy.
I'm not sure I want to deal with his family. I'll mainly be shut away in his room with nothing to say and have no option of anything. I thought at first it would be nice to spend some time with him, but now I'm looking into just renting a car. He obviously doesn't want me around otherwise he would have thought of it and he's hardly putting forth effort in being with me.

I just want to go home. I want to be with my horrible chaotic family and want to die there instead of wanting to have a heart attack in a household that has no idea how much I resent them.

The mom is sweet, but I wonder if she even likes me. I mean she seems to... but I still feel like some resentment is there.

I sort of just want to call the whole thing off and not deal with men anymore.
Not have to deal with long distance relationships, as I always get sucked into them. Ugh.



I got back and forth on the thought of just breaking it off and starting fresh(ish).
I think it will be easier when I'm in Chicago. I'll be surprised if the relationship lasts that long.
Let alone if I'll time for a relationship.
Who knows.

At this point I just want to go back to sleep and not let my mind drift into thoughts that will plague me.

For your enjoyment.

why I want to break up with him

i wasn't feeling very much appreciated

he 'tried to teach me a lesson'

by leaving me at my house by myself

he knew that I was feeling shitty, didn't even bother to call

went out and got drunk with a friend instead

he says he contributes by getting toiletries and food

but meanwhile, i'm taking showers at the gym so I can have a reduced water bill

and allowing him to use my place for him to shower

he doesn't take the initiative to do things either

i have to tell him

over and over

and when I hve a problem with him

he'll try to be coscience of it

but eventually he'll forget

he isn't clear on how he wants me to express myself when i'm upset

we never do anything

he doesn't even try

and if we do, it's at my urging him to do something

i mean, i was pretty devostated when he went out last night. not that he shouldn't. fuck he needs friends. but the fact that I can't and he doesn't try to think of alternatives or even cares to figure something out with me.

I don't know. I just think I was better off single

i think he's better off without me

i even told him it was over

and he was like 'okay'

for your enjoyment

I wish I was dead

Finally a moment where I can write how I'm feeling when I feel like this.

I honestly wish I was dead.
I don't see a point to life.
I'm fat, unable to maintain school, work and a relationship.
I'm a failure of a human being.
I hate myself and I'm just a waste of carbon.

Who can help me feel better when the only one I love doesn't even understand.

I don't even know where to even begin.

For your enjoyment

Is apparently taking care of a man child

So I've been living with my boyfriend for the past....well since we started going out it's been a gradual transition of him living with me. It was spring semester that I pretty much had told everyone that we live together. In practice we do, not that I'm all excited about the notion, but just comfortable with having someone around. It's like having a anthropomorphic puppy.

Somethings just get on my nerves.

God knows I don't come from the best of up bringing and my family seriously just barely manages to hold onto their middle class standing (due to their irresponsible financial tendencies), but I've always had a way to manage myself and have some ability to maneuver through life by myself.

In getting this apartment, I've managed to find ways to pay for this amazing stink hole. It's too bad that my self-entitled boyfriend doesn't understand what the crap I'm going through.

For example, I only have 12 dollars in my pocket. I have seven in my bank account. I need toilet paper, toothpaste and facewashing products. I ask him to get some toilet paper that he seldom use while he is in his other house (which at this point is his man-cave since he spends most of his time in my apartment) and he is hesitant on the matter.

Granted, I'm not saying he doesn't do anything for me. Being without car, he has no problem taking me places when he can. He also buys chicken for most of our at home dinners. But that's about the limit to what he does.

Frankly, I am getting fed up with it. Not so much the realization that he is a bafoon with ridiculous and gender-role limitation, but just the fact that he thinks he's entitled to the things I do for him.

I don't know where the fuck he got that mentality, but I cannot be both the man and the woman of the house. That's the role my mother plays at home with my brothers and that's not at all going to well for her.
I think the part that upsets me the most is the fact that I have constant reminders of what my mom must feel. I thought those sentiments of empathy were to only arrive when I have children. But I guess it just turns out that someone else has birthed this man-child and the gods of have deemed it necessary that I take care of his oafish self.

Maybe I'm being too harsh?

I certainly don't feel that way. Especially since I've told him how I feel and he has yet to do anything to change it.

I honestly think that it wouldn't be such an ordeal if he DID live with me. I went over it briefly, but why I am so frustrated and encumbered is because he has his own place. His roommates are not what he wanted, but he should have made that decision before signing with them.

My boyfriend sleeps at my place, uses my kitchen to cook (granted, it is usually meals for both of us), uses my bathroom (both toilet and shower), uses my electricity for his laptop and charging his phone, uses my fan in my room to regulate his ridiculously fucked up body temperature, sleeps in my bed.

And see, I wouldn't care so much if there was some sort of reciprocation on his part that was at least an attempt. We've tried verbally saying thanks this and thanks that to show that we aren't taking advantage, but It is not cutting it for me.

Last weekend I was cleaning my apartment, it had been the first time in months because I finally managed to get a weekend off. Every weekend prior I had been working and had 12 hours of class a week. I was cleaning all linens and clothing. I was folding the clothing. I was dusting. I was cleaning the bathroom. I ended up vacuuming. Just spring cleaning my whole place.

The only things I asked him to do: vacuum, wash four cups and 2 bowls from the sink, and put the sheets on the bed. If I didn't ask him to do any of those, he wouldn't have done shit.

I don't think that's fair.
I know that's not fair.

And I've told him that half the dust and dirt in there is not mine. He might not "LIVE" here but he sure as hell acts like he is the fucking king and I am his peon. I am getting fed up.

I ran out of toilet paper, I asked him for a roll and his hesitation and declaration that I would have to get another roll eventually just infuriated me. It's not that I'm asking him to buy me a pack of them, just give me one measly toilet paper roll since he's used half of all of my toilet paper since I've known him.

This isn't just. I'm getting to my breaking point. Although it might be absurd to break up with him over such trivial matters, I am young, intelligent and can find someone to provide for me, not the other way around.

Either way, he'll be graduating soon and I'll have more of an opportunity to just deal with myself

For your enjoyment.

Memorial day

I have a boyfriend

It's not the guy that I was feeling out on and doing motorcycle rides, that one fled as quick as he saw what I wanted. That and he still had a girlfriend.
The funny thing is that now that guy is without a girl and I have been dating this guy for about nine months

Either way, it sucks. I've gone through a lot this semester and summer isn't boding well either

I do it to myself, but I feel like I've sacrificed a lot to be with this douche bag.

I wonder if it will even turn out better. Time is approaching and he is about to graduate early. I was goingto do the same, but I can't cram that many classes, have a job and still have some sanity.

More then anythin I've sacrificed my summer to be with him. But i'm too busy working on school or spending time at work to be with him. His schedule conflicts with mine constantly.

I just wonder why am I doing this? I'm not happy. Granted, I've been a lot happier since I've come to terms with my friends death and the other issues that came along with it.

I just wish I had more time for a better job and money to help get me the things I want instead of having to stress how things will balance out.

I just want things to be more manageable.

For your enjoyment.