monthly life crisis

No longer an issue of self image
No wonder to the world about my personality traits
but is it enough to get me by what I want?

I want success
I want to travel
I want to make it into a good law school
I want to have a good job once I graduate.

Will I?

Hm.

Somewhere along the lines I lost the feeling
It comes back
But it's never as strong as before.
I feel that the fighting over things that upset me hurt the situation more and more
And I fail to realize that maybe we just need to be apart
That maybe the same flight we thought we were taking are actually different places.
And the things you bring seem to make you stumble.
I can't deal with the luggage that you carry onto the airplane.
There is a limit, a personal item and a suitcase.
Anyone can deal with that, everyone usually has much with them before they take off.
People guard it closely, the inside contents of the luggage only checked through sensors to ensure that it won't harm people by those trained
It usually isn't enough to impede anyone from what they want to do in any regard
And once on the flying contraption, they put it away in the overhead compartment. Hiding it from the world, keeping their belongings close or far away, depending on their strategy to exit once they land.
Sure, people can have more. But it's usually checked in and also stashed away. Dealt with in a different manner.
It's not chained along, the way you seem to do with your luggage.
It's not thrown open for everyone to see the inside contents.

It was a matter of time before it all came downhill

I feel horrible.
I feel like I have no one.

I'm just crashing down, I'm just horribly depressed and no one knows it.
And no one can do anything about it.

I hide it around the boy
Who finally declared his love for me.
I just think it complicated things.
Not very surprising.

How am I supposed to deal with thing as the shock of its reinforcement hurts every time.
How do I put up with the potential sacrifice when I, for once in my life, just want things to go my way.

Granted, I have always put myself in a position where the easy option was not the way I would go about things, but I just want for once to not worry.

Obviously that's not going to happen. Obviously I'm going to be in fear, soaking up every moment I have trying to enjoy it, knowing that it could be the last time something of that magnitude and situation occurs.

It doesn't help that my friends just want to lecture.
Those who are around anyway.
But I guess they are real friends in that they don't fill me with false confidence.
But would it hurt for them just to see it my way?
and be there for me when I really need them.

Like now.

For your enjoyment.

I'm in Love

In LOVE.

El
Oh
Vee
Ee

AMOR
AMORE

Damn. This seems too simple. I don't understand how we get along so well, but we do. We don't fight. We don't smother each other. I just want to be around him and he feels the same.

It's nice.
If this continues, well...who knows...

As a crazed Hispanic woman, I'm already making mental arrangements.
I still want to go to Chicago.

Something tells me that he would follow me.
I feel that we are similar, we just want to love and be loved and show our love to the other person and have the other person do the same.

But does he love me?

Of course, I'm not dense enough to voice my emotion.
Danger follows, especially having it be this soon.

But I've been blessed with the ability to know what I want and know how I feel. Fickle as I was before with other boys, this one is a sure thing. I'm not letting go of him anytime soon.

I just want him to say it. We mention how we love aspects of each other, almost tip-toeing around the issue, but nothing head on.

Not my usual method, but again, with things of this nature, one must be delicate. Boys don't want to feel suffocated. Boys don't wan't to feel pressured. Boys might just say it as a response and not mean it.

I want him to say it.
I want him to mean it.

But I know it will be awhile.

When I was with my first boyfriend, he mentioned it in passing after two months of going out. Do I have to wait another month? I guess the issue is the fact that my current boyfriend and I haven't been going out for that long, which would make it seem like I'm jumping the gun in reality.

But again, I'm full of passion and emotion. This is dangerous, but the fact that I'm self aware and self assured makes me lack any doubt.

Who knows. I know he feel greatly for me. For now, I think I'll take that.

I'm going to screw this up some how.

I know I am.
But I guess saying that is setting myself up for failure.

I'm trying so hard to be responsible and try and deal with the trivial social situations that are my life. But I can't help but be insecure and be that jealous crazy girlfriend.

Fuck.

I'm friends with one of my ex boyfriends and I've been going to him for advice about myself lately. If anyone would be able to point out my faux pas it would be him.

In this particular case, this one girl, who everyone seems to love, and have been told by someone who is always around her of her deep flaws.

...

Honestly, I'm making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. I'm giving her way too much effort and it's pretty disgusting how catty I am acting. (Talk about almost immediate revelation as I was typing this).

I'm worth it. If he was interested in her, he would have pursued her...and it was like my friend told me earlier ...I left the place with him. Not the other way around.

I just need a breather.
I need to fucking let go of the situation.

There is just so much pent up frustration ...

Well I was going to write more, but I think this was just the breaking point of my emotional fever.

For your enjoyment.

Things are better than expected

In my amazing summer I was expecting for my semester to be horrid as soon as it started.

But it's been pretty exceptional.

And it is what everyone has told me, I believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have my own place.
I don't think I could love my apartment any more than I already do.
I love the location, I love the way it's set up. I love the fact that I am cleaning it every so often and that I have an amazing roommate. I love the bed that I got an amazing price and its epic comfort. I love the sheets and comforter that match so well. I love the posters in frames. I love the matching furniture in my room. I love my window to spy on the neighborhood intersection. I love ability to say come on over. I love the fact that I am actually a decent cook. I love that I'm eating healthier. I love the friends that helped me move up here, and like an army managed to get my shit unpacked and set up in a day. Probably a lot more that I enjoy about this place.

I don't enjoy paying for it...or not being able to find a job. I don't want to work in food, but it seems to be my only option. What a horrid option. There is mention of a potential public relations position, which seems atrocious, but I don't have much else going on at the moment, I might as well lie and apply to the damn thing.


...


There is this one guy that I hooked up with when I was visiting my friends in another city this January. It seems so long ago...

He transferred to my school because it had a better program.
He has an on again, off again girlfriend.
Long distance.
We've been hanging out a lot.
A lot.

I don't mind, whatever. Things are pretty cool and running smoothly.

Today was different.
My friends say I enabled him to do it, but I thought it was just pretty innocent.

I mean, he's been getting progressively touchy. Which is fine. Whatever.

He helped me move. He built me my furniture. He takes me with him to places so I can get groceries. He comes over, I cook for him. I go over, he cooks for me. We watch movies. We argue, but in a civilized fashion. I sprained my ankle and he took me to the hospital to get it looked at and waited with me the entire time. He took me on a motorcycle ride. It was the most amazing thing EVER. He took me to the country and there were cows and horses with the sun going down and the green fields. I kind up crept up on him and held him tighter. I mean, can you blame me? It was pretty damn romantic if you ask me.

Like I said. Something just happened today.
We have a class together, so I went to his place after.
Watched some shows.
I sprawled out on the couch. I just put my legs on him. He kind of just placed his hands on my legs. I got up to drink something and he had his arm around me. I kind of sank into his lap, but moved around because of his dog.
I laid back down. Eventually, he laid next to me and put his head on my stomach. He was caressing my legs.

At some point I realized...

he still has a girlfriend.
She is a vindictive bitch.
She will kill me.
She could destroy him.

He wants to hang out with me now.
I kind of want to rest. I'm exhausted...and I don't want to be that girl.
The one that is a stupid mistress and he ends up going back to his girlfriend.

What utter bullshit, might I say.
I don't understand the circumstances of their long distance agreement, but obviously when he's staring at me with his blue eyes for prolonged moments, there is something going on emotionally.

I'm just tired of being toyed. I don't need this bullshit.
I just wonder if that other guy, who I mentioned earlier will ever talk back.

I think he's intimidated by me or something...we've exchanged social networking sites and numbers and have been talking a lot, but he doesn't seem to keep up with potentially meeting up with me.

I have no interest in running after a guy if he's not going to follow up on potential appointments.
Either way, it is a nice change of pace, but I doubt that it will last long.

For your enjoyment.

A lot has happened.

I went to Chicago.

Oh my god. Has my world changed.

I've gotten a taste of what life really is like in the city.
And I want it so bad that my insides hurt so much.
My brain can't stop comparing it to everything around it.
I want it to be possible so much.

The activity. The business. The success. The possibility.
Just minimally sums up the ecstasy that I endured on my trip.

I loved every ounce of it. I loved wandering the city.
I loved the buildings.
I loved the Lolapalooza.
I loved the Restaurants.
I loved the trains
I loved the parks

It was too much to handle and I didn't care that in my apatite crumbs of this amazing city would fall to my feet.

This has honestly been the best summer I've ever had.
I made amazing friends, I'll miss them dearly and I hope they feel the same.

It's sad that things won't ever be like this summer. But what can I do, simply enjoy this for what it is.

And I don't think I can thank God enough for it.
Despite the family disputes, I was able to escape with the aid of my friends.
I traveled to new and old places.
I honestly couldn't be happier about it.

I finally figured out what I wanted boy wise.
Maybe.

I thought about it. After spending my days in Chicago with my guy friend. I just mentally sulked. Now with my best friend is off with another man and pretty much every girl I know is with some other guy that they care about, I'm in need of either new friends or a guy to date and maybe more.

Don't get me wrong. I love my friends. I adore my friends and I might be willing enough to say that I would do anything for my friends. But I'm just in need of a good cuddle. I'm tempted to just find a guy just to cuddle.

It's gotten pathetic. My friend who I traveled with to Chicago told me about some dating site. I indulged.
I found two guys of interest.
One deleted his profile or blocked me. The other gave me his facebook.
I want him. Kind of.
I don't know.
He's working and doesn't really have internet at the moment.
But I can't help but think about all these things.
I should just drop it and realize the boy probably is a virgin and doesn't want anything.
It's a horrible way to live life. But at this point pessimism is the only way I live when it comes to things of this nature.

For your entertainment.