Progression and contemplation

The darnest thing.

I sit in my bathroom with no other place to go in my house. Ridiculous.

Here is the thing: Mother decided to purchase a new mattress. She didn't like it and returned it. Turns out that they took it back, and the next day her other new mattress comes in.

I don't understand why the transaction could not occur on the same day.

Nor why I must fall victim to not having a space to sit and waste my time before I attempt sleep.

As you probably guessed, she's off in my bed sleeping. I had to pull out the blow up mattress...which I sink right into. Accompanied by her lovely soothing snores that make me want to rip my ears out and stuff the holes with acid.
My dad is off in the living room on one of the couches, which is is directly connected to the kitchen and right in front of the patio, where the light shines brightly when turned on.

Fun stuff. I have a few more hours before I can have my reclaimed room until I go back to school.

I am on vacation.


I didn't do so hot in school, and my grades could have been better.

It's not that bad though. I managed an A, A-, and two B's. Still, I didn't really try in those classes until the second half of it, where my grade was taking a dive into the restricted area. I could have done better and should have. But I shouldn't try to beat myself up about it. I will take this and learn from it.


I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about life in general.

I've learned that there is a need to focus in school and socialize outside of it, but the true way to succeed is to balance everything.

The year started out slow, and in disaster, as my earlier entries have mentioned. The bike, the weight gain. Not having an established group of friends. I was pretty down and completely missing my friends from my home. [Which now are hardly to be seen, mainly because Bianca is off using one of her guy friends and doesn't love me anymore, but Ari is still there for me, like always].
Times came around and I managed a good few group of friends and was utterly bored with my classes. I didn't even bother reading or keeping up with the material. I was out having fun or doing nothing with my friends.
Exams came around which I hardly studied for. I was so bored and unmotivated and lacked any drive when it came to my seemingly retarded classes.
Boy was that dumb of me.
When it came to school and trying to have friends, I made having friends a top priority. I attended a group that helps out with sustainability on campus along with another group that specializes in campus entertainment and puts on shows for free. It was fine and everything, but I didn't really make the kind of friends that I wanted. I also went into it thinking that I would find a cute guy somewhere in the works.

Needless to say, UF got uglier, and I, more sad about that prospect.

But returning to where I was going, I grouped myself with trying to fit in everywhere and was the token outcast of every group.
I was the omnivore with the vegetarian/vegans
I was the one who liked alternative with the indie freaks
I was the one still dressing up as a skater girl (which I am now changing, I am tired of looking like a sixteen year old. Ugh. Thank you mom for the beginnings of an altered wardrobe to only increase in its fashion sense) amongst the overly/under-dressed
I was the communication major with the political science major
I was the politically indifferent/ignorant with the driven politically
I was the not-so-punk with the punked out crusties
I was the straight girl with the gay guys
It was pretty lame. I tried so hard to fit in.

But unlike many who do try, I didn't fail.

I did fit in. My overall being pushed me into those circles and they accepted me as well as any group would in an atmosphere like that. I was happy.
I became an almost socialite (at least in my head)
There were parties and people, but I only kept one thing in mind.
Guys.
Would there be guys? Would they be cute? Would they be straight (this one takes priority)?

Whatever my motivation was, I spent too much time trying to make it to the party than just buckling down and studying.
But I think I can get over that and over myself on this one. There is no point beating a dead horse.

I lived. I learned. I will carry through with what I have learned and put it into my future actions. Next!


I have learned that parties are fun, but in excess, either the parties themselves or the amount of any drug consumed, can make for chaotic often regretful situations or just lame individuals.

Ugh. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to you.
I hate weed. I hate what it does to you.

I can be pretty sure that that has been a good reason to why, despite my advanced activity, I have not been putting off the pound pudge. I suppose that and midnight snacks with friends don't help any either.

I can be sure that half of the action I managed to get guy-wise was because of induced inebriation.

I hate how stupid you get. I hate how I become the joke at the party of gay guys (which I will now not go to as often, because that really seals the deal of 'not getting any' unless it's another drunk gay) and they provoke you in your drunken stupor to drink more.

So I'm done with it. Not completely of course, that would be hysterical. Two drinks MAX... ugh just remembering my stupid antics..
I remember going to Sal's 21st birthday and completely getting trashed. No one needs to deal with that.

I get out of hand without any stimulants/depressants. What am I thinking ingesting such things?

But with that out of the way, I also hate what weed does.

I did it once again, when I was drunk. Go figure.

But occasional use is fine. Especially in the cliche of experimental use in this stage of life. But the group of friends which I had seriously got attached to the substance.

It became a monthly thing.
Then every time we would get drunk.
Then about once a week.
Until it was every time that there was free time or they did something to amplify the sensation of awesomeness.

It got lame really quick.

I don't like it because I have had an instance of having a short term boyfriend replace me with his use of weed. He had to get high to see me. That was pretty lame. He was dumb. He was stupid. I hated that dick head. He is probably off in an alley doing crack and selling himself.
I hope he is.

I also don't see a point in using it. You just dumb yourself down or chill yourself out. It's pointless to me...

ANYWAY, back to the point. They ultimately dissected themselves from hanging out with us, and when they did see us, they were high.
They also got really grimey and I'm sure didn't bathe. Making needless trips to obtain random drugs and taking even harder stuff to feel good.

It's a shame, even more so because of their depression and low self-esteem they managed to completely alter their priorities for their next "fix" (if you will).

Things won't be the same. I know they won't. I'm okay with that though.

I've learned change just keeps happening. I shouldn't fight it, just go with it and make the best of what I can with what it gives me.

I know that was pretty lame, but it's different when you figure it out for yourself. Even if it is a constant discovery.


I have struggled with the notion that I really don't need a boy (or girl) to make me happy, and
that I should be focusing on myself.

I do, but I don't.

I want one. But not to marry.
I want one. But not to weigh me down.
I want one. Sometimes.

I just get lonely sometimes. The things that I want to do are often replaced with my friends finding other, closer individuals, who, because of proximity, personality or just the fact that I am the type of individuals who seems to be disposable, has someone else to do it with.

I guess its on me. I've been spoiled over the summer with Bianca always calling me and trying for my attention. But I realize that now I have to be the one that makes that effort. Otherwise I'm going to be alone for a lot longer than I want to be.

Of course, the preliminary notion is based on friends and activities with friends, but I wouldn't need to rely on friends so much if I had one constant, attractive, awesome, individual who was there consistently.

And hence, the ideal of the boyfriend comes in. And why I want one.

But with the drama. The frustration. The lack of attractive nature in this year's bunch. I know in essence I am better off withholding from obtaining one.

If I could.

I mean, I could. But it is the usual game of I like, they don't or they like, but I don't.
First of all. It's horribly frustrating. You end up led on with false impressions (fuck you Josh). Or some other random negative thing.

Besides. All the guys in this stage just want to hit it and quit it. Use, abuse, and lose it.

Which I can understand myself.
I've had many suitors come after me and I didn't fall through the cracks because I didn't think I should have settled. I still don't think I should settle. (I am after all, the entire package...hehe)

Not being able to obtain a guy with the same mentality that I have obviously makes it difficult.
I mean it also makes it difficult if a guy still has his v-card (WHICH SO MANY GUYS DO).

Besides. I'm going to law school out of this fucking state. There is no way in hell I would need to go through another heart breaking breakup


I have a lot going for me. I don't need a boy to slow me down...

I have struggled with my retched weight gain and am still trying to do something about it, but i'm still attractive. I shouldn't let that keep me down. I am awesome.

Yea. I feel like such a fatty. 130. The last time I weighed this much was in my freshman year of high school, five years ago. What happened? Who knows.

I am working on bettering myself. Cutting back on late night snacks. Less drinking. Running and swimming. Muscle building.

It took me six months to put on this weight. It will take me probably six to take it off.
I've done it before. I can do it again.

I just don't want to do it again.

It was subtle. But what really took me over was summer time. I let myself go. I will never take another four months off again. That is way too long.

I would have worked on it as I got into school, but with my breaking my arm preventing me from swimming and my increased drinking tendencies out of hand into the eventual eating at midnight then sleeping, it was not likely that I was going to lose any weight that way.

I'm working on it. That's what matters.


So how are things now


Good. I've spent the entirety of my short-lived break sleeeeeping and doing nothing.

Which is good. I don't care to go out much. I'm happy just playing video games and relaxing. I know once I get back to school I am going to go full steam ahead.

I managed an internship at the area's chamber of commerce and am super excited.

I have classes that actually interest me and cannot wait to indulge in their knowledge.

I hope things turn out different. I know they will, but I hope that this semester goes a bit better.

Not to say that the last semester ultimately blew hard. Just, it had its rough patches. Mainly the guy issue and the school issue. I can work on school. But guys, well that's all up to fate, now isn't it?

I obviously haven't been posting frequently for that matter because I have been busy.
Maybe next semester will be different...


For your enjoyment.

Cherry Coke Will Do That To You

Wide awake when I should be sleeping. I had eel rice bowl and a massive cherry coke. DELICIOUS, might I add. Served to me by a cute guy. I take cute guys for what they are - eye candy. And like candy, they look so good, but so bad for your health.

Speaking of health, I didn't have enough time to even exercise today. I know, the blasphemy in such a statement, I should be damned to Hell. I've had so much to do lately. Today consisted of going to class, napping, studying, taking a quiz, going to dinner, going to a friend's apartment, coming back to shower, going to a group meeting, procrastinating, studying and now staying awake. Yesterday was along the same lines of busy, and it will be like this for at least the next week...I need to start up on my speech for my public speaking class along with studying for my criminology class. Classes are starting to toughen up, and activity groups are finally starting to buckle down.

Fuck this cast. Seriously. It's gross. It's itchy. It's smelly. It needs to go...dammit. I really miss swimming so much. I hate being a few pounds overweight, and it hardly affects me, but the point of the matter is, I miss swimming. Biking is amazing, but i miss having awesome obliques. Poo

Anyway, because I have been really busy, I am actually relatively happy. I applied to be on the entertainment board at my school and got in. I was really happy. I am in the band committee and pretty much aced the interview. They had asked me if I go to shows, I pretty much listed all of what I did this summer. They asked me band names and I listed randomly the cranberries, which one of the interviewers liked. I knew I had the position.

I've also been getting involved in the sustainability sect of the extra curricular activities. I'm pretty much doing as much publicity as possible for the groups I'm in. They have this sustainability hut which i was trained for, if you want to call it that, and plan on helping out with it. I also plan on spreading the word, since I am in the outreach part. Just trying to do as much public relation related things.

My friend "Gina" has invited me to be a part of the Human Rights Group.
Fucking Gina, I haven't heard from her in sooo long. I thought she died off. But she lived on and now lives off campus. It is pretty weird, but I love how she called me and how we reconnected like nothing. I also love how much we have to tell each other. I really missed her.

I am making my social rounds and I feel like I'm doing an okay job. I try for the most part to be open, but once this cast comes off, I'm definitely doing some athletic type things, like going on hiking trips or something along those lines. Who knows, I just pray that I don't need the cast for ANOTHER 6 weeks. That would be pretty ridiculous. And I would probably kill myself.
It pains a bit, so I'm pretty scared that I did something to it and it still might be broken. Stupid bad circulation. You would think that by moving it around you would be able to at least get some blood flowing to fix the stupid bone. Whatever.

As much as I might be making new acquaintances, I need more friends to hang out with. I want to go places and do things, but I really don't want to go by myself.
But I guess I'm going to start. I mean, after college, what do i have? Just a world with lackluster jobs and inactive zombies. Lovely right? So I need to start up with doing things for myself.

I'm surprised to be writing in such a good mood. Lately I've been kind of down and feeling a bit alone. I guess it might have been the hormones after the monthly cycle that occurs with us women. Gotta love menstruation.

In the guy department- I made out with a guy at a party. I did it because it was kind of a dance party and I got carried away with it. Pheromones are horrible. I don't care about the kid. I just did it to do it. Got away with it. Love it.
No one really takes my fancy. It kind of sucks. and the ones that do appeal to me, of course they like the blonds with big boobs or gay. Not much I can do in either department...well I could, but I would look just as bad as some of the girls I see around here who really need to rethink their look.
There is this one guy that wanders around the plaza, I need to find out his name. He is such a spiffy dresser, cute too. I'll approach him tomorrow I suppose.

I saw She Wants Revenge, and met them. Epic day.
I got an industrial piercing. It seems to be doing well...just as long as I don't get those nasty bumps. I go home this weekend, so I can only wonder what the reaction will be to them. I surely can't hide them forever, especially when I am getting my hair trimmed.

Things are going, which is what I need.
I hope that the next bump in the road is minor.

We'll just have to wait and see.

For your entertainment

Official Crush

I thought there was something wrong with me. There might be. But I've been better. There was a bit of depression, but I managed to get over it. I thought that I was all lonely and all that crap, and the truth is, I am. My friends, I can't tell which are true and which aren't (well...I know two individuals have proven themselves without a doubt) but I guess I just have to live life like that. It kind of sucks, but I guess that's why they tell you to treasure your youth. I say I have.

I don't know why I've been bitching about that kind of shit. I've been out partying.

Alot.

Last weekend I went to four parties in two days. Labor day weekend I went to Lucy's party, hung out with friends, and went to a show. Then hung around my awesome group of social outcast friends.

The last party of the weekend before labor day was pretty intense. I remember a lot of wine and we ended up going to a club that jams out techno beats. We were all pretty plastered. I remember making out with two girls and one of their boyfriends. Pretty intense. Bianca asked me if I enjoyed making out with the girls, I told her I was too drunk to care. The boyfriend... I had some sort of attraction to, but it just kind of screws up the group dynamic. He told me that he finds me attractive and if he didn't have a girlfriend he would have gone after me. Which is great, obviously flattering...but now I have to be a bitch to him and completely avoid him, because I don't want his girlfriend to think i'm after him. YAY DRAMA

Lucy's party was fun. I didn't get smashed like the initial time (it was my second party of the weekend before labor day weekend, and I was feeling kind of blue, I decided to have two shots of desorona, two of gold schlogger on top of the already consumed shot of tequila and cranberry and vodka. Needless to say I passed out). I met a few people. I remember only a few. I stuck to this guy who was practically seven foot. I litterally attached myself to him for a good while. He wanted to flirt with the girlies, so I decided to leave because all i need is psuedo rejection to kill my buzz. Sam, one of Lucy's friends, was drunk and pretty much was spitting game...I had attended a summer party of Lucy's back home and was in a toga, because that was the theme. He had told me in his drunken stupor that he thought that the hot pink toga with hearts and cross bones on it was sexy and he wanted to bang me. Flattery, of course. I just wanted some flattery. :)


Lately I've been trying to keep myself occupied socially and physically...since I can't swim. Rawr.
I've been doing well. I work out every now and then, and I have of course, been stuffing my face in. I ate a medium pizza just to see if i could. I could, along with two lava cakes. So bad for you, but so good tasting.

I managed to get sick. It was a crappy three days. It was strep throat (gee, I wonder where I could have gotten that from?) The people in charge of my dorm's saftey came in and told me to avoid all contact with public. Swine flu and all that rubbish. Nope. Strep throat. Lovely.

I've been going to Krishna lunch and talking to people. It's been pretty good. My gays go out there. That makes me horribly happy. Evan is my head gay. He rocks my socks pretty hard. I also have the vegetarian/vegan friends that I met last year while I was working for the Krishnas.
But since I am no longer employed, I am able to roam freely. Liberating feeling of enjoyment. I get most of my social interaction through Krishna Lunch.

I have had a few guys coming on to me. I haven't been feeling it. There is one that could have acted maybe last year, I would have totally taken him up on his offer...but for whatever reason, I'm not interested. Another is handicapped, and as horrible as I say this, that is a massive detterent. It's not that I don't sympathize the handicapped, my dad is legally blind and hard of hearing. I know a thing or two of having to deal with people that have disabilitie--physical, mental, emotional, whatever. It's just... I see what my mom goes through. It's really tough stuff. I'm not a caretaker, and I'm pretty selfish, I wish I had the compassion to see another way...but I am unable to. It also doesn't help the guy that I am not physically attracted to him.

But then.
I met a guy.
Well, finally managed a conversation with him. I've seen him a many times last year
and I informally established my existence to him when I saw him walking towards me with a frown and told him to smile. I had just seen him so many times go through the lunch line. I do that sometimes, tell people to smile, I get it from my mom, she does it to me all the time.
Then I introduced myself to him when I was serving Krishna Lunch, when I worked for them. We shall call him Seth. I found him on my way to my dorm one day, as I was escaping a bad conversation... and actually had a conversation with him. He's very built, it kind of deters me, I like them skinny, but I guess I need to lower my standards if I find some attraction to him. He's half Pakistani, but looks like he could be Greek. He is a real spiffy dresser. But from my experience in those that are Pakistani, they have a tendency to have a massive sense of style.

I am kind of crushing on him. I don't want to get too excited. But it's been a while since I've crushed on anyone. I feel kind of weird. I'm trying not to get overly obsessive and I want to get him out of my head. Replace him with our university's star quarter back or something. I can't guarentee that he's not gay or taken or even interested in me.

He's real smart...double major and double minor.
I wish I had his work ethic.
He plays the trumpet.
UGGGGHHHHHHH, it will end in disaster, and I shouldn't stalk him or become overly weird.

I just need to tell myself:
I don't want anything
I don't want anything
I don't want anything.


Eventually I'll believe myself.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll just take it one at a time.

A New Cast in Life

I don't have my school books yet, this makes me sort of nervous and anxious. I've never been one to hold out until the last minute, but I guess I really don't have much of an option at this point.
I bought them from Amazon.com, but I'll have to wait a good week before I manage to get anything.

Man do I miss swimming.
I had to get re-casted. Boy was it fun to get a cast that almost dislocated a finger and pinched my arm fat...which by the way the doctors had fun messing around with. I laughed and was like, please stop.

today was socially productive in the fact that i was flirting with guys and talking to new possible friends. love it.

i dont have much to say other than i'm loving having all of these plans. its pretty hardcore.
Meeting all these people is also cool.

I just have to remind myself to keep focused in school.

I have so much going on this weekend. I hope I can do it all.

We'll just have to see.

first week back

so pretty much i broke my wrist.

I'm pretty sure it was Tuesday I decided to go over to the Krishna house and see the people. I grabbed some grub and hung out with the old krishna peoples...too bad I don't have a job. That blows, but I guess it's god's way of saying that I need to move up and move on with bigger and better things.... or at least I hope so. I fucking need a job. This sucks.

And I've been offered two jobs. But I'm unsure of how legitamite the jobs I have been offered are. I find out about one of them this wednesday. which is the same day of the job fair amongst other things.

Later that day I rode down and met up with Sal and her friend.

And then after that, things kind of just went downhill for that day.

I was riding my bike down a hill, and was gaining a good amount of speed. My brand new bikes brakes work really well and as i braked, the front brake over powered me and bucked me right off my bike where I flew over my handle bars. I landed on my left side and my wrist was the brunt of the impact.

Whatever. Then after doing random things and looking for some wrapping, I ended up with the cops, a firetruck and the paramedics at my presense.

whatever.

the week i've been hanging out with my small group of friends and just drinking. I would get into the details, But i really don't care enough.

I'm just tired. I want school to start already.

College Adventures

Just a hell of a way to start.

I was woken up by my mother at 3:30 in the am. Which was expected, but for whatever reason there is a lack of empathy, or even understanding. I tried going to bed early. I honestly did. But I was awaken by calls from Ari about some uneducated person's actions at a dinner...

Side-note: The night before I had gone out with some old friends (and some new ones). We were all gathered the Habatchi grill and watching the man do his magic tricks. "Rose" came and sat down. She didn't talk much and was rather introverted. She pretty much was rude and inconsiderate by not saying anything. Sort of bratty. Either way I made a new friend and was glad to see that my old friends still tell me I haven't changed. I love to hear that- I really don't want my personality to change.

I really don't mind receiving information of that matter. I love to listen to stuff like that. I'll be the first one to say DISH DISH DISH. Then some guy I've known for a really long time from California insisted that I move to California.

I only managed about two hours of sleep. So enough said. So I got up. I unpacked. I was left without groceries...Again. LAME. whatever.

I finally settled down.
I have no idea who is in town. So I pretty much just started texting everyone I could possibly know.
I was surprised the amount of people that answered and were interested in hanging out with me...but weren't in town.
Blah.

In the end I ended up hanging out with "Geoff" He is a guy I met up in the library one day and we just hit it off. Friendwise of course, he explicitly told me that he has the ability not to get attached and if he were able to manage to feel one way about a girl in Europe, he could here...but if he were to ever show OBVIOUS interest I would not deny his advances. He is a very good looking and smart individual. I appreciate the fact that he tells me this.
I like it when a guy tells me he isn't looking for a relationship. It just makes it easier for me to NOT PURSUE. All I need is the underlying condition of NOT INTERESTED, whether it's because they do not have the same feelings or because they really don't want to be weighed down, I feel nothing anymore. It's the same effect of finding out a guys is gay. I lose interest and pretty quickly.
Geoff invited a few people over and I rather enjoyed their company. I was pretty oblivious to Geoff and couldn't really tell if he was flirting with me or not. I just took it as not to be precautious. I did find interest in one of his roommates. Geoff kept emphasizing that they were cousins (now, whether this is true or not, I have NO idea). "Diego" was cute. Smart. Ambitious. He had a nice butt. I don't know if he was flirty but managed to carry a conversation with me, I noticed him me look at me, but never really knew if it was coincidental or not...and he could possibly be gay (which really wouldn't surprise me, I do like them gay.) I inquired about him and still am waiting for a response...at this point it's just to make another contact. Even if he has no interest for me or is gay. Either way, he did give me some information and I did learn somthing that day, I learned that there are actual tornaments that involve rock, paper, scissors.

I would die happy being in one of those things. haha.

The group played a drinking game that was called Maow...I am unsure of what the acutal spelling is, and unaware of playing the game other than laughing hysterically at the people who get incredibly pissed off. We also played "fuck the dealer" quite interesting to see what these games held.
Later we watched some tv and then departed. It was a good night. I'm glad things worked out the way they did.

That day I decided to not eat beef and pork. At least for the semester. I'll see how it works. It was just a random whim and I plan on carrying one with it.



Today was just a cluster fuck of misadventures.

I woke up today and I don't remember what I did for a good part of two hours as I woke up.
I managed to meander my way through the office in charge of school ID's. I managed to lose mine towards the end of last year. That's always fun.
It seems that everyone else had the same idea.
I was pretty fucked over in the looks department. I just threw on a shirt and some jeans and hardly managed my hair, once I step out into the humidity, all hell breaks loose.
I didn't realize I had to take my picture to get it replaced.

God, did I look like utter shit. Oh well.

From there I hopped on a bus and went straight to go buy my bike. I think my bike is pretty beast. It's a 26'' schwinn tourist for guys. I didn't give a fuck, I knew that was the bike I wanted when I saw it. It is fucking amazing and makes me happy as hell. So I got the bike and the bike lock, and on my way out i needed to adjust the seat so I grabbed a swiss army knife because I needed a screwdriver to fix it. I also figured its multipurpose nature would give me something to open the fucking packaging from the bike lock.
Little did I know that the damn knife itself is packaged with impossibly impeneratrable plastic.
I was sitting outside the store and some old lady sits next to me to have a smoke. As i was fretting around with the packaging, I finally asked her to borrow her lighter and burned the plastic open.
Gotta love kickass OMG I GOT IT moments like that.
So get it open, then I start to undo the packaging from the bike lock, carelessly, and then I cut myself.
I shanked myself.
So I sat there. Bleeding. Applying pressure to the wound. Then some two other women come by (at that time, the other older woman was creeped out by the way her lighter was used and got up and left) and were concerned. They tell me to go and get a band aid from the guest services.
I look at them and tell them, "I would but I don't want to leave my stuff here"
With sympathy, they tell me that they will watch my stuff for me. I trusted the old ladies. So I go into the store and pretty much cut everyone. I look at the guy behind me and tell him, "listen, I don't want to cut you, I just want a band aid." He glanced at my hand which was virtually soaked in blood and nodded. I managed to get the bandaid, washed the cut and went outside and gathered my things.

I then stopped by Publix and bought a few groceries. Pretty dumb on my part for buying so many groceries. I had trouble riding home with the massive amount I bought and opted to just grab the bus back to campus. I couldn't find my ID and was left to pay out the 1.50. I reorganized my groceries so that it wouldnt be so massive and somewhere along the way I had lost my salad dressing...Even then it was quite difficult to ride it. AT that point I just walked my bike to the Journalism building and locked it up to retreive it later.

I went with salto do some errands. then just hung around and biked around.


I met up with Lewis. He's a pretty cool guy, just completely clueless when it comes to anywhere about getting laid. I'm surprised I can talk to him without a problem. I usually have so much difficulty... I guess it's because I see him everywhere. If I didn't see him i'm pretty sure I wouldn't even try.... Whatever.




I've been offered to jobs. Both are online based. I'm not too sure how it will work out, and I'm still applying for other jobs, but I hope I manange to get something flexable. I really would like to be able to swim. But I live RIGHT THERE from the gym, so i'm sure it wouldn't be that hard.

Oh well. Let's hope for the best, right?

For your enjoyment.

Cock Blocking Tendencies

I finished my internship. I don't think I could have been happier.

The thing is- I was stressing about getting a job. Finally got a job. And then finding out that the job is a mass corporation of people. Which isn't all that bad, but there is no meshing. I was pretty much the odd ball out. I was the youngest. Probably the poorest (not saying I'm poor...just not as well off as other individuals I know) I was Hispanic, and most of my interactions were with white people (not that I have anything against the white people, if anyone knows me, they know that I'm very partial to that ethnic group). I was either smarter or not as smart as the individuals I had to deal with. It was incredibly frustrating. That and I had to be on the constant look out for unstimulated projects. I only got close to "Violet", and even then, she wasn't any of the higher up positions. I felt pretty down on myself and probably ate my feelings away.

I immediately lost weight the moment I stopped working. I know that sounds pretty dumb, but I did. I managed more sleep, wasn't snacking as much due to stress...I've pretty much lost the five pounds I gained while working. Granted I still have probably another ten to go before I go to the ideal weight, but I'm working on at least another five to be perfectly okay with myself.
I never want to have a job if it means weight gain.

Things are working out. This makes me hopeful and anxious for the good things to start.
I'm excited to go back and see the people I made friends with, the people I met to be better friends with, and making new friends. I definitely won't have another opportunity like this. I'm one year done, and I have three more to go. It's sad to know that time goes by so fast, but that's why I have to make the most of every moment.

And I will. :)

* * *

This sucks though. I have to pretty much hunt down for a job once I get back into school... Or at least in December. Calls up the wazzoo and sending my resume left and right. Well...at least it will guarantee what I will be doing for the summer. I was really lucky to be given my internship.

The guy that helped me out with my internship will be referred to as "Stuart." He is my angel. He is in charge of the 2012 class concerning scholarships. Since it's a renewable scholarship, we have to reapply every year and interview every year. At my last interview they had asked me what I was doing that summer and I, nearly about to cry, my eyes filled with water almost about to burst, told them I had applied to literally forty, if not more, places and had been searching for something to do over the summer. The panel replied that they would help me get a job.

The next day I get a call from the staff recruiter concerning a job interview. I was stunned. I then told my ex boyfriends mom and she told me that a man whom I met before to talk about the possibility of going to Brown knew some of the shareholders. He recommended me on top of that. Score for me.

Either way, I was INCREDIBLY grateful to Stuart, I have no idea how I would be able to repay him.

* * *

Today was the scholarship luncheon. I invited Ari, because I felt like she would be able to enjoy a free lunch, even if it was just okay. But free food is free food, so no complaints on my part. So we sat next to a girl who I knew back in elementary school. "Carol" has been a really sweet sociable person, and I like talking to her mom, because she doesn't understand English and I am able to speak Spanish with her, which I know I can always brush up on those skills (the one thing I know I did when I was talking to "Alberto" the custodian at work).
So we sat and I chatted to Carol, then come this stunningly beautiful man. I eyed him up and down. He was checking me out (totally caught him! I would look down and looked back up with a smile and he averted his eyes TEEHEE). He was tall, nicely built, blue eyes (all I need, blue eyes and a nice smile, I remember telling that to Jake. I wonder if he ever picked up on the obvious pickup...), blond hair-- the typical American boy (haha, I know it's hypocritical, me discussing how I have to compete with the typical American girl, but I can't help that this boy was gorgeous) His name was "George." George mentioned something about to a sitting board member about his school, and like a switch I squeal our mascot and he looks at me with that big wonderful smile and asks if i go to his school. I said yes, obviously, and we started to discuss the usual major, school experience, possibly jobs...and like most guys I know he ends up talking about himself.

Side-note: Guys never ask stuff about me. Which is fine, I don't mind it. If anything I prefer it that way, I manage to get more control over whether I rebuff or accept advances, but isn't the job of guys supposed to be making the girl talk about herself? When did that change? I guess these types of things change with the level of arrogance.

He's a mechanical engineer, he worked designing air plane seats for the rich and fabulous of the friggin world. I was pretty impressed. So we continue talking and then some big fat ho comes in and sits between us (it was a circular table and we were sitting across from each other) and completely interrupts our conversation. He was then saying things to me, but without specifically stating that they were questions to me, and so she answers them.

Side-note: I later told Ari, "I love how that ho completely cock blocked us." She responded, "I know, I saw your face." I laughed, because I know how transparent I am. I wonder who else noticed, you know just for kicks.

So the incoming freshmen go up to accept their awards, and then sophomores, which I am a second year, but with about as many credits as a junior, that's not the point of it. They have us go up and tell the audience about ourselves and answer a question. Which I love to do. The sophomore's questions was what advice would you give to the incoming freshman- I mentioned to get as involved as possible, get to know the people around you and your surroundings. Stuart is in charge of our class, as I mentioned before, and he was handing out the scholarships. I went in to shake his and and bent over to whisper something to him.

"Thank you so much for the internship, you have no idea how much I appreciate it."
I've always wanted to do one of those lean-in whispers. It makes you look official. I always see the president do it. It just seems so high brow. I friggin love it.

I sat down and George looks at me with his flattering eyes and smile and said, "that was nice." If only he was a pursuer.

The lunch continued on and ended. Afterward people came around to talk, George came and found me. I found out where he lived in the town. A bunch of people came and I noticed a few people I wanted to talk to, old friends really. I excused myself to talk to them and then we took picture. I couldn't find him afterwards... I was a bit upset. But I guess he just wasn't that into me or misinterpreted my actions. Sadness. If it was meant to be, I'll find him at school.
I doubt that though, seeing as he is an engineer major.

Then Stuart approached me and I thanked him a billion times. He is so humble and sweet. I wish to find a man like him in my life that I can marry.
" I know you wanted to do something in law...and I know it wasn't the most challenging of work," he mentioned.
"You have to start somewhere," I interrupted with a smile that was plastered on my face.
I thanked him even more.

Then came another cock block move, in the sense of brown nosing. By this I mean I was excited to finally tell him how much I appreciated his minor effort in my summer, which made a MAJOR contribution. And here comes some dumb BROAD, probably eavesdropping here and there thinking I'm thanking him for the scholarship. So she comes up and pretty much thanks him for the scholarship.

I'm the type of person to sense the ass kissery upon first instance. Most people will be able to not even notice. It sucks to be so aware of people sometimes...Anything anyone tells you about me, I promise you their first words will be far from "ass-kisser" or anything related to that sense. They will say, shallow, self-centered, high maintenance, and sometimes selfish. Qualities which I acknowledge despite their connotations (I'm pretty self aware). So when I make an effort to be appreciative and thankful of what you have done for me. It's pretty apparent that I'm being genuine. It just felt so tainted having the 'talented' ass kisser refute my efforts and make them seem like it was just a ploy to get ahead in the social ladder.

I work my way up, not pile a bunch of shit and hope to get there that way.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be so aggravated if this Broad didn't blindly and with unjustified ignorance insult me at a party.
At a party she found out my National background, and asked, "Are you Mexican?" I responded yes. I have no problem telling people and feel no shame for being Mexican, just detest the stereotype that many portray with being Mexican. I'm more Spaniard/Basque than Native Mexican (hardly a percentage), but my family did reside in that area, and therefore I would be Mexican.
She then replied, "Then why aren't you out mowing the lawn right now?"

Ignorant Prejudiced Bitch.

Of course I stormed out of the party and was soon comforted by my ex-boyfriend. The host apologized for her. She didn't even apologize herself.

Here's the Clincher: She was Cuban.

The host suggested that I could make fun of her for that. But I've had amazing Cuban friends. Even if I didn't have amazing Cuban friends, I would never stoop low enough to throw someone underneath the bus and ridicule them in such a manner. It's petty and uneducated.

It just makes me feel better that she's gained a lot of weight.

Later I went with Ari to crash the beach, which conveniently was close by. We were out long enough for me to renew my tan. We talked. We hung out. I really love that woman. I sometimes worry that I won't have anything to tell her. But whenever we hang out, it's usually a nice flow of chatter. It always makes me happy when I think about it.
Then we crashed Jumba Juice. I had some amazing Blackberry smoothie. I died happy.

I love blackberries so much. I have no idea where this taste came from, but I simply adore the fruit.

We then closed the hangout to continue it later with a trip to the water park. Hope all goes well with that.



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