OH SOLEMN OCCASION, YOU ARE ANOTHER DISTRESSED BLOG
of sorts.
Things seem to be getting better for the most part.
At least I have a roommate now.
It's nice. Knowing that there is someone that's in my position.
Even though I will have to live catless.
Sad day.
But at this point, with the commotion and agony not thinking things through has cost me, this has been six weeks of stress, partly due to the questionable nature of having a roommate. Well, all because of my lack of a roommate.
But I have one now. And she's alright. Allergic to cats, which is sad, but she's a decent person. I can totally deal.
I'm actually now excited at the thought of having my own room and furniture. Living there over the summer (hoping I get a job of course).
It's a nice relief.
The boy deal is pretty chaotic.
I love how I never emphasize a girl.
I obviously have double standards.
ANYWAY. I find that everyone is paired off. No one looks at me like they used to.
There was this one prospective individual. But at this point I feel as if that is a failed venture and not even worth the attempt.
I find his boyish goodlooks enticing. Oh well, the semester is almost over with. Time to return home. Where awaits only a jobless encounter and a daily reminder of my wasteful effort.
I'll at least help out with this one organization and hope for the best...
I just want money. Is it that difficult for someone of my caliber to find something mindnumbing and pay me to do it?
Aggravation.
I've been trying this, don't freak out/be as serious as you usually are/blocking it out as much as possible because everything will work out.
Who knows if it's working.
Who knows if everything will work out.
I'm just so damn impatient and too self absorbed to even notice if it did.
I just secretly hope things are working out.
I hope something will come up.
I don't know what to expect anymore.
Rawr.
For your enjoyment.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Will my April showers bring May flowers?
April seems so horrible.
Trying to find a job. Trying to find a roommate. Trying to get my mental health in check.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.
Why do I always pick my education over my emotional welfare?
My friends here suck.
It's always so sketchy. There has to be something wrong with me.
I mean, there has to be. Mentally...and physically.
Exercising an hour a day about obviously isn't working. I'm only gaining more weight. I'm up to 135 now. I don't know how that happened.
My legs are awesome. But I have a horrible gut. I guess I should just do sit ups, but I don't know why I haven't been motivated to do that.
I'm just some ugly blob. I don't feel good about myself. I feel annoying. I feel untalented. I feel all of these horrible things.
My world seems to be crashing down.
Why? It is just my perception?
I hate not having control of my social life. I hate having to constantly reach out.
Whatever. I should get over myself.
I have plenty of options for distractions.
I wish I didn't have motivations, so I could just waste away my worries with drugs.
I think I'm going to stop eating as much.
I know the repercussions of anorexia...but I looked so much better with an eating disorder than I did without...
I at least got attention that way.
Does anything matter anymore
Why do I even bother living if I feel like everything I do is just a failure.
For your enjoyment
Trying to find a job. Trying to find a roommate. Trying to get my mental health in check.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.
It's almost over.
Why do I always pick my education over my emotional welfare?
My friends here suck.
It's always so sketchy. There has to be something wrong with me.
I mean, there has to be. Mentally...and physically.
Exercising an hour a day about obviously isn't working. I'm only gaining more weight. I'm up to 135 now. I don't know how that happened.
My legs are awesome. But I have a horrible gut. I guess I should just do sit ups, but I don't know why I haven't been motivated to do that.
I'm just some ugly blob. I don't feel good about myself. I feel annoying. I feel untalented. I feel all of these horrible things.
My world seems to be crashing down.
Why? It is just my perception?
I hate not having control of my social life. I hate having to constantly reach out.
Whatever. I should get over myself.
I have plenty of options for distractions.
I wish I didn't have motivations, so I could just waste away my worries with drugs.
I think I'm going to stop eating as much.
I know the repercussions of anorexia...but I looked so much better with an eating disorder than I did without...
I at least got attention that way.
Does anything matter anymore
Why do I even bother living if I feel like everything I do is just a failure.
For your enjoyment
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Trying to find a Roommate is like trying to find a good boyfriend, and we all know I am skilled with the latter...
Well then my friend.
Of course, another complication.
This is my blog of complications.
Get used to it, because I left my notebook I write in at home.
Good stuff.
I'm doing a group project with some people. I kind of have a crush on this one girl I'm getting along with. She's gorgeous. She's funny. She is someone I would want to date, if she wasn't such a hardcore catholic.
I'm no spatula. and I'm not going to bother, she is an awesome person, despite my crush on her. I just wished that she wouldn't graduate so early...or that I would've met her earlier.
Oh well. Another time I suppose.
I just told my friend about the crush. She's telling me to corrupt her.
I doubt it.
Whatever.
I find that group projects can be surprisingly good bonding experiences. The last major one that was a semi success, I still talk to the guy every now and then. He has a mad crush on me, but it's too back he's going to graduate soon.
Whatever.
I called the organizations back that wanted to hear from me, I didn't hear from them. I hope tomorrow I get a call, maybe Friday, but I am defintely calling the Career Resource Center back
All this damn waiting is annoying. I want results and I want them now, dammit.
My roommate situation is pretty annoying at the moment. I have no idea what's going on and am about ready to take on mass marketing.
Let's hope for the best with that one. Ugh
For your enjoyment.
Of course, another complication.
This is my blog of complications.
Get used to it, because I left my notebook I write in at home.
Good stuff.
I'm doing a group project with some people. I kind of have a crush on this one girl I'm getting along with. She's gorgeous. She's funny. She is someone I would want to date, if she wasn't such a hardcore catholic.
I'm no spatula. and I'm not going to bother, she is an awesome person, despite my crush on her. I just wished that she wouldn't graduate so early...or that I would've met her earlier.
Oh well. Another time I suppose.
I just told my friend about the crush. She's telling me to corrupt her.
I doubt it.
Whatever.
I find that group projects can be surprisingly good bonding experiences. The last major one that was a semi success, I still talk to the guy every now and then. He has a mad crush on me, but it's too back he's going to graduate soon.
Whatever.
I called the organizations back that wanted to hear from me, I didn't hear from them. I hope tomorrow I get a call, maybe Friday, but I am defintely calling the Career Resource Center back
All this damn waiting is annoying. I want results and I want them now, dammit.
My roommate situation is pretty annoying at the moment. I have no idea what's going on and am about ready to take on mass marketing.
Let's hope for the best with that one. Ugh
For your enjoyment.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Even in my dreams, my hidden wants haunt me
I had a dream that I was talking to someone and they were discussing a crush that I have...you know like an inactive virus, it only surfaces when conditions are right...and that person liked me and he would pursue something if he wasn't in a relationship.
It felt nice in the dream, but in reality...I know that wouldn't happen.
I went to the river with my friends and it was pretty awesome. It was a beautiful day, and because it was easter, there was hardly anyone there. Out of town or in church, not us.
It was two couples and a friend, who has a boyfriend but isn't currently in the same county for his own personal reasons.
I had fun. I got intensely brown. It rocked my world. I was really happy that a group of my friends finally decided to do something outdoorsy, I knew it was going to be incredible. I wish that this would happen more often, maybe next time we could go to the coast?
The water was clear, the surroundings were impressive, we ended up going up again. At the second time around the river we ended up jumping off this tree. It was pretty awesome.
I did it twice. I about died the first time around. I'll never know how I managed to get up there without complication, my fingers tingle with just the thought of it.
I did enjoy it, but there were definite longings.
I longed for my awesome body I used to have. I still have six more months to get where I want, I guess my 'freshman fifteen' was going to hit at one point, and it just hit later on as I was finally adjusting to college with having friends. That I at least have hope that I might one day get back, I hope so anyway.
I longed for companionship. My friend pointed out to me later on how she could tell at times that I was a bit down on not having someone.
I hate being so transparent.
It's on and off at this point. I find it hard to have a legitimate attraction for someone. Looks are good, but if they lack interest (duh) and lack a personality (no bros, hos) then I'm probably not going to budge.
I'm too picky. I guess, but like I said before, I'm not going to force something upon myself.
Last thing I need is to settle.
Maybe I was meant to do good in this world through my career. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a family. Every notable historical figure that is looked up upon as a leader had to make a self sacrifice. Maybe this one is mine. To be alone for the rest of my life.
What a bittersweet lifetime.
For your enjoyment.
It felt nice in the dream, but in reality...I know that wouldn't happen.
I went to the river with my friends and it was pretty awesome. It was a beautiful day, and because it was easter, there was hardly anyone there. Out of town or in church, not us.
It was two couples and a friend, who has a boyfriend but isn't currently in the same county for his own personal reasons.
I had fun. I got intensely brown. It rocked my world. I was really happy that a group of my friends finally decided to do something outdoorsy, I knew it was going to be incredible. I wish that this would happen more often, maybe next time we could go to the coast?
The water was clear, the surroundings were impressive, we ended up going up again. At the second time around the river we ended up jumping off this tree. It was pretty awesome.
I did it twice. I about died the first time around. I'll never know how I managed to get up there without complication, my fingers tingle with just the thought of it.
I did enjoy it, but there were definite longings.
I longed for my awesome body I used to have. I still have six more months to get where I want, I guess my 'freshman fifteen' was going to hit at one point, and it just hit later on as I was finally adjusting to college with having friends. That I at least have hope that I might one day get back, I hope so anyway.
I longed for companionship. My friend pointed out to me later on how she could tell at times that I was a bit down on not having someone.
I hate being so transparent.
It's on and off at this point. I find it hard to have a legitimate attraction for someone. Looks are good, but if they lack interest (duh) and lack a personality (no bros, hos) then I'm probably not going to budge.
I'm too picky. I guess, but like I said before, I'm not going to force something upon myself.
Last thing I need is to settle.
Maybe I was meant to do good in this world through my career. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a family. Every notable historical figure that is looked up upon as a leader had to make a self sacrifice. Maybe this one is mine. To be alone for the rest of my life.
What a bittersweet lifetime.
For your enjoyment.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I need new friends, a new life, and a new job
This apartment thing has me incredibly stressed out.
I misread the contract and saw that if I don't get the grantor in soon, I'll lose all of my money.
All one thousand one hundred and fifty.
The funny thing is, at this point I really don't care...well obviously I do, otherwise I wouldn't be so stressed out, but I just wish my mom would have listened to reason, well my reasoning.
I'll give them a call tomorrow. I'm just freaking out about all of this. It's pretty much the same situation I was in when I left my laptop cord at home.
Ugh. They called me in the middle of Krishna Lunch and I freaked out.
Just thinking about it makes me all emotionally congested and now I just pray to god things get done a lot quicker. I wish they would have done priority mail. It takes four days for the mail to come in.
On top of that stress. I need to deny the application of two people seeking me out. I need to find a job in west palm beach. I need to find some stability in my life. I need to find a new bike tire because my other one exploded...who knows how.
I've been so crummy feeling..... I just want some change.
I need new friends.
I know I keep saying that but I really want it to happen.
I keep doing something wrong.
What am I doing wrong that I can't find these people?
Was I born to just be isolated?
If so, then what is this mental craving to meet new people and interact with them?
Not even new people. Just have more closer friends?
I feel that everything I say comes back to having a boyfriend.
Or girlfriend.
At this point I don't care.
I'd want a butch one though. Like that transgender in my feelings class. He's pretty hot. I knew he was a she, but was still attracted to him.
Or that one that was on the television for millionaire's club. She was pretty hot also.
I don't care.
They don't even have to be romantically involved. I just someone to do things with.
Sometimes I feel myself go and think about taking advantage of some people, like this kid who I hooked up with my freshman year. I dumped him and remained friends with him. He's crazy about me still.
It's not that he's a bad person. It's not that he doesn't have a good personality. It's not that he's not attractive. We just don't click.
He hugged me and spun me around. I didn't want to be dipped so I wrapped his legs around him. I think it got him a little swooned. He then kissed me. He's kissed me before. I just ignored it. Why make it a big deal? It was a peck on the cheek. But that's how I know he's crazy about me.
There are a few people i could name actually that are pretty crazy over me.
Him
some guy in the other city I went to
some guy back home
some guy who already graduated...
well that's only a few.
Probably a few more. Whatever.
Does it matter? No. I need to be focusing on my studies instead of just moping...but today just sucked so I had to emo it out.
I misread the contract and saw that if I don't get the grantor in soon, I'll lose all of my money.
All one thousand one hundred and fifty.
The funny thing is, at this point I really don't care...well obviously I do, otherwise I wouldn't be so stressed out, but I just wish my mom would have listened to reason, well my reasoning.
I'll give them a call tomorrow. I'm just freaking out about all of this. It's pretty much the same situation I was in when I left my laptop cord at home.
Ugh. They called me in the middle of Krishna Lunch and I freaked out.
Just thinking about it makes me all emotionally congested and now I just pray to god things get done a lot quicker. I wish they would have done priority mail. It takes four days for the mail to come in.
On top of that stress. I need to deny the application of two people seeking me out. I need to find a job in west palm beach. I need to find some stability in my life. I need to find a new bike tire because my other one exploded...who knows how.
I've been so crummy feeling..... I just want some change.
I need new friends.
I know I keep saying that but I really want it to happen.
I keep doing something wrong.
What am I doing wrong that I can't find these people?
Was I born to just be isolated?
If so, then what is this mental craving to meet new people and interact with them?
Not even new people. Just have more closer friends?
I feel that everything I say comes back to having a boyfriend.
Or girlfriend.
At this point I don't care.
I'd want a butch one though. Like that transgender in my feelings class. He's pretty hot. I knew he was a she, but was still attracted to him.
Or that one that was on the television for millionaire's club. She was pretty hot also.
I don't care.
They don't even have to be romantically involved. I just someone to do things with.
Sometimes I feel myself go and think about taking advantage of some people, like this kid who I hooked up with my freshman year. I dumped him and remained friends with him. He's crazy about me still.
It's not that he's a bad person. It's not that he doesn't have a good personality. It's not that he's not attractive. We just don't click.
He hugged me and spun me around. I didn't want to be dipped so I wrapped his legs around him. I think it got him a little swooned. He then kissed me. He's kissed me before. I just ignored it. Why make it a big deal? It was a peck on the cheek. But that's how I know he's crazy about me.
There are a few people i could name actually that are pretty crazy over me.
Him
some guy in the other city I went to
some guy back home
some guy who already graduated...
well that's only a few.
Probably a few more. Whatever.
Does it matter? No. I need to be focusing on my studies instead of just moping...but today just sucked so I had to emo it out.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Playing Catch up.
I'm debating if I should even bother with hiding the names. The only people that know of this are the ones that I trust.
As far as I know.
Things.
So many things have come through. So many things have happened.
I managed to start writing in my journal instead of this blog. There is a sick and pleasurable feeling of having word written on a journal, a miniature book that is always looked back on and realized the evolution of maturity and disintegration of depressed creativity. Sad people know how to create things, because they feel.
I feel I reached my creative peak during my puberty years. What sadness. I still like to think I'm an exceptional writer, but that's obviously subjective...but my ego will always beg to differ if anyone else to thinks other wise. Heh.
HOME
I miss being home.
Sometimes.
The quality of people there, well, since one of my friends pretty much used me until she found another friend to spend all of her time and doesn't ever share anything personal whenever I go, that makes it kind of a bummer. But other than that I have gotten closer to two other people and I always have my best friend since seventh grade. I always meet people there. My family usually drives me bonkers, but I hope that this time it will be completely different. This semester has been a complete bust in many way. I'm so over it and wish for things to just finish already.
SCHOOL
I don't know what happened or what went wrong, but I'm trying so hard and nothing is really getting through. I figure the best chance I have in a report card will be 2 a's 1 a- and a b. Assuming all is right in the Universe, that is. Which in retrospect is pretty fab. I just hope that I can actually manage grades of that stature. I do hope so. Advertising has been a massive pain in my ass, and if it gives me a c+, i'm going to be horribly pissed off. I hate the way the class is set up. I will definitely make note on how things are set up and how grades are based. I need classes that at least give the opportunity for projects and things of that nature. the worst that can happen to my grades...three b's and a c. That would be a pretty crummy outcome. I will then be an honest to god college student struggling. I need to put forth more effort into my studies, even though I feel like I put in plenty. I guess my methods are in need of work. Do I even have enough energy left, or am i not putting in enough?
I feel like this, this time of year. I always manage to do okay. I'm just wondering what happened. Why did I end up with C's in my exam this time around? I've been studying. I've been keeping up. Is it just that I don't pay enough attention in class? What am I doing wrong? Should I drop a course? What should I do? I'm scared of advertising. Those exams are ridiculous and I find that the information on there is so scattered. We read chapters upon chapters of material and it's so hard to cover not only the chapters, but the lecture and the additional anecdotes and points he makes in the lecture. I find it aggravating.
In my criminology and law class I don't seem to get the material, I feel that there is a lack of material and they nit pick at the mundane issues.
That's my problem. I don't like to study. I don't like to memorize words or lists of words. Why would I want to do that? I want to create. I want a project. I want a paper. Something that can prove I know how to utilize the material that you're teaching me. But maybe I'm just making excuses... but I have always been a person to learn through example and conceptualize ideas.
I'm so over Public Relations anyway.
My new interest is Political Science.
This is something that seems to be grounded.
I hope that I like it when I study it.
I just need a change. I've been struggling in the intro classes of P.R.
Poli Sci is structured more to my way of thinking.
At least I hope.
BOYS.
The ever present indication of my failure as an attractive, ambitious, charismatic female, my lack of a boy.
A stable one. There is something going on. I can get them...in clubs. And in random casual encounters. But I know that's not the kind of thing that I want. I'm over the random makeout.
I tried the hook up with sex and without sex. Both times failed horribly. I tried to psych myself into a crush, which succeeded until I got in over my head and started to fantasize. Of course it's evident what followed. Destruction of such ludicrous thoughts, which was probably for the best.
This year I've had one encounter with a boy in another city that I knew from back home. I had an encounter with an obnoxious Australian. I tried to make that a legitimate thing, and it seemed that was where it was going, but it turned out to be just an object of sexual attraction and nothing more. I don't blame the kid, but I guess he didn't know what he was messing with, so of course I ditched him. Then this other individual who I have had a crush on. But something about him being an out of school pothead loser with a low self esteem probably didn't help anyone's chances of anything.
It all meant nothing. I'm not looking for love, I think.
I just want a damn boyfriend. That shouldn't be something that is so difficult.
But then I have to assess what differentiates me from everyone else.
I'm actually attractive.
Everyone else seems to settle. I don't want to settle, because I know that there are some people that would be more than willing to be there if I were to say BE MINE.
God no.
My problem is that the social circles that I'm in seem to include only ugly people...well not ugly, but not to my taste. That's not something I can help, honestly. I find that personality will get the best of me, as it did with my internship over the summer with the summer associate. I don't know. I tried to expand, but it seems pointless. This is all pointless. I just wish I could stop fretting.
I don't fret as much, thankfully. I know there would be days that I would actually be depressed about this notion. It's an irritant at this point.
I used to be more outgoing. But that didn't get me anywhere either. I got attention from all the wrong kind of people.
It's infuriating. Seeing my crushes with less attractive individuals. And don't mention the possibility of personality. I know I have a very charismatic and agreeable personality, despite it's blunt nature... My problem is that there isn't anything that keeps me seeing them over and over again.
I just keep tracing back to the first guy I met in school. What a tease that was.
And epic fail at timing.
I wonder if it could be just me. I've gained weight, but it seems to be in muscle. My pants are starting to fit much better at least. My face has been in the constant state of breaking out, which I can only thank my second coming of puberty for that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, maybe I'm not doing anything wrong.
I'm just in the wrong crowd, which is the story of my life. I wish I could have just moved on and out of Florida. This crowd is too...I don't even know. It's too much though. Too insecure? Too picky? Too lust driven? Definitely too much.
I don't even know what to do.
If there is anything to do.
I keep changing things up, but in the end, I still get the same results.
All I ever do is bitch about this boy issue.
I wouldn't so much if I actually had friends. Real friends that don't just drift back and forth.
FRIENDS
I can get overbearing though. So I understand...
I just wish I had a car or something along those lines. Do you know the things I would do if I had a car? Do you know the places I would explore if I had a car? Do you know what exploration and fun adventures I would be capable of if I had a car?
No.
Because I don't have one.
I don't have money for one.
I don't think I'll make enough money for one.
And my dumb ass is completely getting an overpriced apartment because I fell in love with it.
I'll get a cat. Hopefully it will love me. The last thing I need is another pet to hate me.
Fuck Rabbits, by the way. They are unnecessary vermin if they attack people...dammit.
I've tried so many people. I just need money to do things. Something I don't have.
I don't even know what to do anymore. This is why I miss home. I have more resources there. I have people who want to do things. I have people who want to be closer to me...but there isn't anything that happens where I live.
What a horrid conundrum.
I have some good friends though. It was what someone was telling me the other day, I hate people, and the ones that realize that I'm okay and I let get close to me I will eventually like.
I kind of like that outlook. It's not the best to have, but it's the one that seems to happen to me without even trying.
Do I repel people? How do I attract people?
Do I just get caught up with the excitement that is hanging out and make a fool out of myself?
Or am I simply socially inept?
NEXT
Who knows what the future holds. I had so much hope for this semester.
What a failure.
I'll have an apartment. Which is always awesome. But it's so expensive.
I just hope I can get a job over the summer to save up for it or something along those lines.
It would be nice just to have a cat. I'm excited for the cat. I really want that to happen. It would explain why my friend with a cat isn't usually in the dumps. The cat will be my best friend and love me unconditionally...hopefully...
That's pretty much the gist of things. I feel like nothing progresses. I'm like in a rut. I always get in some sort of rut towards the end of the semester. Who knows what that's all about.
I need some help. Somewhere. I just don't know where to start.
For your enjoyment.
As far as I know.
Things.
So many things have come through. So many things have happened.
I managed to start writing in my journal instead of this blog. There is a sick and pleasurable feeling of having word written on a journal, a miniature book that is always looked back on and realized the evolution of maturity and disintegration of depressed creativity. Sad people know how to create things, because they feel.
I feel I reached my creative peak during my puberty years. What sadness. I still like to think I'm an exceptional writer, but that's obviously subjective...but my ego will always beg to differ if anyone else to thinks other wise. Heh.
HOME
I miss being home.
Sometimes.
The quality of people there, well, since one of my friends pretty much used me until she found another friend to spend all of her time and doesn't ever share anything personal whenever I go, that makes it kind of a bummer. But other than that I have gotten closer to two other people and I always have my best friend since seventh grade. I always meet people there. My family usually drives me bonkers, but I hope that this time it will be completely different. This semester has been a complete bust in many way. I'm so over it and wish for things to just finish already.
SCHOOL
I don't know what happened or what went wrong, but I'm trying so hard and nothing is really getting through. I figure the best chance I have in a report card will be 2 a's 1 a- and a b. Assuming all is right in the Universe, that is. Which in retrospect is pretty fab. I just hope that I can actually manage grades of that stature. I do hope so. Advertising has been a massive pain in my ass, and if it gives me a c+, i'm going to be horribly pissed off. I hate the way the class is set up. I will definitely make note on how things are set up and how grades are based. I need classes that at least give the opportunity for projects and things of that nature. the worst that can happen to my grades...three b's and a c. That would be a pretty crummy outcome. I will then be an honest to god college student struggling. I need to put forth more effort into my studies, even though I feel like I put in plenty. I guess my methods are in need of work. Do I even have enough energy left, or am i not putting in enough?
I feel like this, this time of year. I always manage to do okay. I'm just wondering what happened. Why did I end up with C's in my exam this time around? I've been studying. I've been keeping up. Is it just that I don't pay enough attention in class? What am I doing wrong? Should I drop a course? What should I do? I'm scared of advertising. Those exams are ridiculous and I find that the information on there is so scattered. We read chapters upon chapters of material and it's so hard to cover not only the chapters, but the lecture and the additional anecdotes and points he makes in the lecture. I find it aggravating.
In my criminology and law class I don't seem to get the material, I feel that there is a lack of material and they nit pick at the mundane issues.
That's my problem. I don't like to study. I don't like to memorize words or lists of words. Why would I want to do that? I want to create. I want a project. I want a paper. Something that can prove I know how to utilize the material that you're teaching me. But maybe I'm just making excuses... but I have always been a person to learn through example and conceptualize ideas.
I'm so over Public Relations anyway.
My new interest is Political Science.
This is something that seems to be grounded.
I hope that I like it when I study it.
I just need a change. I've been struggling in the intro classes of P.R.
Poli Sci is structured more to my way of thinking.
At least I hope.
BOYS.
The ever present indication of my failure as an attractive, ambitious, charismatic female, my lack of a boy.
A stable one. There is something going on. I can get them...in clubs. And in random casual encounters. But I know that's not the kind of thing that I want. I'm over the random makeout.
I tried the hook up with sex and without sex. Both times failed horribly. I tried to psych myself into a crush, which succeeded until I got in over my head and started to fantasize. Of course it's evident what followed. Destruction of such ludicrous thoughts, which was probably for the best.
This year I've had one encounter with a boy in another city that I knew from back home. I had an encounter with an obnoxious Australian. I tried to make that a legitimate thing, and it seemed that was where it was going, but it turned out to be just an object of sexual attraction and nothing more. I don't blame the kid, but I guess he didn't know what he was messing with, so of course I ditched him. Then this other individual who I have had a crush on. But something about him being an out of school pothead loser with a low self esteem probably didn't help anyone's chances of anything.
It all meant nothing. I'm not looking for love, I think.
I just want a damn boyfriend. That shouldn't be something that is so difficult.
But then I have to assess what differentiates me from everyone else.
I'm actually attractive.
Everyone else seems to settle. I don't want to settle, because I know that there are some people that would be more than willing to be there if I were to say BE MINE.
God no.
My problem is that the social circles that I'm in seem to include only ugly people...well not ugly, but not to my taste. That's not something I can help, honestly. I find that personality will get the best of me, as it did with my internship over the summer with the summer associate. I don't know. I tried to expand, but it seems pointless. This is all pointless. I just wish I could stop fretting.
I don't fret as much, thankfully. I know there would be days that I would actually be depressed about this notion. It's an irritant at this point.
I used to be more outgoing. But that didn't get me anywhere either. I got attention from all the wrong kind of people.
It's infuriating. Seeing my crushes with less attractive individuals. And don't mention the possibility of personality. I know I have a very charismatic and agreeable personality, despite it's blunt nature... My problem is that there isn't anything that keeps me seeing them over and over again.
I just keep tracing back to the first guy I met in school. What a tease that was.
And epic fail at timing.
I wonder if it could be just me. I've gained weight, but it seems to be in muscle. My pants are starting to fit much better at least. My face has been in the constant state of breaking out, which I can only thank my second coming of puberty for that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, maybe I'm not doing anything wrong.
I'm just in the wrong crowd, which is the story of my life. I wish I could have just moved on and out of Florida. This crowd is too...I don't even know. It's too much though. Too insecure? Too picky? Too lust driven? Definitely too much.
I don't even know what to do.
If there is anything to do.
I keep changing things up, but in the end, I still get the same results.
All I ever do is bitch about this boy issue.
I wouldn't so much if I actually had friends. Real friends that don't just drift back and forth.
FRIENDS
I can get overbearing though. So I understand...
I just wish I had a car or something along those lines. Do you know the things I would do if I had a car? Do you know the places I would explore if I had a car? Do you know what exploration and fun adventures I would be capable of if I had a car?
No.
Because I don't have one.
I don't have money for one.
I don't think I'll make enough money for one.
And my dumb ass is completely getting an overpriced apartment because I fell in love with it.
I'll get a cat. Hopefully it will love me. The last thing I need is another pet to hate me.
Fuck Rabbits, by the way. They are unnecessary vermin if they attack people...dammit.
I've tried so many people. I just need money to do things. Something I don't have.
I don't even know what to do anymore. This is why I miss home. I have more resources there. I have people who want to do things. I have people who want to be closer to me...but there isn't anything that happens where I live.
What a horrid conundrum.
I have some good friends though. It was what someone was telling me the other day, I hate people, and the ones that realize that I'm okay and I let get close to me I will eventually like.
I kind of like that outlook. It's not the best to have, but it's the one that seems to happen to me without even trying.
Do I repel people? How do I attract people?
Do I just get caught up with the excitement that is hanging out and make a fool out of myself?
Or am I simply socially inept?
NEXT
Who knows what the future holds. I had so much hope for this semester.
What a failure.
I'll have an apartment. Which is always awesome. But it's so expensive.
I just hope I can get a job over the summer to save up for it or something along those lines.
It would be nice just to have a cat. I'm excited for the cat. I really want that to happen. It would explain why my friend with a cat isn't usually in the dumps. The cat will be my best friend and love me unconditionally...hopefully...
That's pretty much the gist of things. I feel like nothing progresses. I'm like in a rut. I always get in some sort of rut towards the end of the semester. Who knows what that's all about.
I need some help. Somewhere. I just don't know where to start.
For your enjoyment.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Progression and contemplation
The darnest thing.
I sit in my bathroom with no other place to go in my house. Ridiculous.
Here is the thing: Mother decided to purchase a new mattress. She didn't like it and returned it. Turns out that they took it back, and the next day her other new mattress comes in.
I don't understand why the transaction could not occur on the same day.
Nor why I must fall victim to not having a space to sit and waste my time before I attempt sleep.
As you probably guessed, she's off in my bed sleeping. I had to pull out the blow up mattress...which I sink right into. Accompanied by her lovely soothing snores that make me want to rip my ears out and stuff the holes with acid.
My dad is off in the living room on one of the couches, which is is directly connected to the kitchen and right in front of the patio, where the light shines brightly when turned on.
Fun stuff. I have a few more hours before I can have my reclaimed room until I go back to school.
I am on vacation.
I didn't do so hot in school, and my grades could have been better.
It's not that bad though. I managed an A, A-, and two B's. Still, I didn't really try in those classes until the second half of it, where my grade was taking a dive into the restricted area. I could have done better and should have. But I shouldn't try to beat myself up about it. I will take this and learn from it.
I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about life in general.
I've learned that there is a need to focus in school and socialize outside of it, but the true way to succeed is to balance everything.
The year started out slow, and in disaster, as my earlier entries have mentioned. The bike, the weight gain. Not having an established group of friends. I was pretty down and completely missing my friends from my home. [Which now are hardly to be seen, mainly because Bianca is off using one of her guy friends and doesn't love me anymore, but Ari is still there for me, like always].
Times came around and I managed a good few group of friends and was utterly bored with my classes. I didn't even bother reading or keeping up with the material. I was out having fun or doing nothing with my friends.
Exams came around which I hardly studied for. I was so bored and unmotivated and lacked any drive when it came to my seemingly retarded classes.
Boy was that dumb of me.
When it came to school and trying to have friends, I made having friends a top priority. I attended a group that helps out with sustainability on campus along with another group that specializes in campus entertainment and puts on shows for free. It was fine and everything, but I didn't really make the kind of friends that I wanted. I also went into it thinking that I would find a cute guy somewhere in the works.
Needless to say, UF got uglier, and I, more sad about that prospect.
But returning to where I was going, I grouped myself with trying to fit in everywhere and was the token outcast of every group.
I was the omnivore with the vegetarian/vegans
I was the one who liked alternative with the indie freaks
I was the one still dressing up as a skater girl (which I am now changing, I am tired of looking like a sixteen year old. Ugh. Thank you mom for the beginnings of an altered wardrobe to only increase in its fashion sense) amongst the overly/under-dressed
I was the communication major with the political science major
I was the politically indifferent/ignorant with the driven politically
I was the not-so-punk with the punked out crusties
I was the straight girl with the gay guys
It was pretty lame. I tried so hard to fit in.
But unlike many who do try, I didn't fail.
I did fit in. My overall being pushed me into those circles and they accepted me as well as any group would in an atmosphere like that. I was happy.
I became an almost socialite (at least in my head)
There were parties and people, but I only kept one thing in mind.
Guys.
Would there be guys? Would they be cute? Would they be straight (this one takes priority)?
Whatever my motivation was, I spent too much time trying to make it to the party than just buckling down and studying.
But I think I can get over that and over myself on this one. There is no point beating a dead horse.
I lived. I learned. I will carry through with what I have learned and put it into my future actions. Next!
I have learned that parties are fun, but in excess, either the parties themselves or the amount of any drug consumed, can make for chaotic often regretful situations or just lame individuals.
Ugh. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to you.
I hate weed. I hate what it does to you.
I can be pretty sure that that has been a good reason to why, despite my advanced activity, I have not been putting off the pound pudge. I suppose that and midnight snacks with friends don't help any either.
I can be sure that half of the action I managed to get guy-wise was because of induced inebriation.
I hate how stupid you get. I hate how I become the joke at the party of gay guys (which I will now not go to as often, because that really seals the deal of 'not getting any' unless it's another drunk gay) and they provoke you in your drunken stupor to drink more.
So I'm done with it. Not completely of course, that would be hysterical. Two drinks MAX... ugh just remembering my stupid antics..
I remember going to Sal's 21st birthday and completely getting trashed. No one needs to deal with that.
I get out of hand without any stimulants/depressants. What am I thinking ingesting such things?
But with that out of the way, I also hate what weed does.
I did it once again, when I was drunk. Go figure.
But occasional use is fine. Especially in the cliche of experimental use in this stage of life. But the group of friends which I had seriously got attached to the substance.
It became a monthly thing.
Then every time we would get drunk.
Then about once a week.
Until it was every time that there was free time or they did something to amplify the sensation of awesomeness.
It got lame really quick.
I don't like it because I have had an instance of having a short term boyfriend replace me with his use of weed. He had to get high to see me. That was pretty lame. He was dumb. He was stupid. I hated that dick head. He is probably off in an alley doing crack and selling himself.
I hope he is.
I also don't see a point in using it. You just dumb yourself down or chill yourself out. It's pointless to me...
ANYWAY, back to the point. They ultimately dissected themselves from hanging out with us, and when they did see us, they were high.
They also got really grimey and I'm sure didn't bathe. Making needless trips to obtain random drugs and taking even harder stuff to feel good.
It's a shame, even more so because of their depression and low self-esteem they managed to completely alter their priorities for their next "fix" (if you will).
Things won't be the same. I know they won't. I'm okay with that though.
I've learned change just keeps happening. I shouldn't fight it, just go with it and make the best of what I can with what it gives me.
I know that was pretty lame, but it's different when you figure it out for yourself. Even if it is a constant discovery.
I have struggled with the notion that I really don't need a boy (or girl) to make me happy, and
that I should be focusing on myself.
I do, but I don't.
I want one. But not to marry.
I want one. But not to weigh me down.
I want one. Sometimes.
I just get lonely sometimes. The things that I want to do are often replaced with my friends finding other, closer individuals, who, because of proximity, personality or just the fact that I am the type of individuals who seems to be disposable, has someone else to do it with.
I guess its on me. I've been spoiled over the summer with Bianca always calling me and trying for my attention. But I realize that now I have to be the one that makes that effort. Otherwise I'm going to be alone for a lot longer than I want to be.
Of course, the preliminary notion is based on friends and activities with friends, but I wouldn't need to rely on friends so much if I had one constant, attractive, awesome, individual who was there consistently.
And hence, the ideal of the boyfriend comes in. And why I want one.
But with the drama. The frustration. The lack of attractive nature in this year's bunch. I know in essence I am better off withholding from obtaining one.
If I could.
I mean, I could. But it is the usual game of I like, they don't or they like, but I don't.
First of all. It's horribly frustrating. You end up led on with false impressions (fuck you Josh). Or some other random negative thing.
Besides. All the guys in this stage just want to hit it and quit it. Use, abuse, and lose it.
Which I can understand myself.
I've had many suitors come after me and I didn't fall through the cracks because I didn't think I should have settled. I still don't think I should settle. (I am after all, the entire package...hehe)
Not being able to obtain a guy with the same mentality that I have obviously makes it difficult.
I mean it also makes it difficult if a guy still has his v-card (WHICH SO MANY GUYS DO).
Besides. I'm going to law school out of this fucking state. There is no way in hell I would need to go through another heart breaking breakup
I have a lot going for me. I don't need a boy to slow me down...
I have struggled with my retched weight gain and am still trying to do something about it, but i'm still attractive. I shouldn't let that keep me down. I am awesome.
Yea. I feel like such a fatty. 130. The last time I weighed this much was in my freshman year of high school, five years ago. What happened? Who knows.
I am working on bettering myself. Cutting back on late night snacks. Less drinking. Running and swimming. Muscle building.
It took me six months to put on this weight. It will take me probably six to take it off.
I've done it before. I can do it again.
I just don't want to do it again.
It was subtle. But what really took me over was summer time. I let myself go. I will never take another four months off again. That is way too long.
I would have worked on it as I got into school, but with my breaking my arm preventing me from swimming and my increased drinking tendencies out of hand into the eventual eating at midnight then sleeping, it was not likely that I was going to lose any weight that way.
I'm working on it. That's what matters.
So how are things now
Good. I've spent the entirety of my short-lived break sleeeeeping and doing nothing.
Which is good. I don't care to go out much. I'm happy just playing video games and relaxing. I know once I get back to school I am going to go full steam ahead.
I managed an internship at the area's chamber of commerce and am super excited.
I have classes that actually interest me and cannot wait to indulge in their knowledge.
I hope things turn out different. I know they will, but I hope that this semester goes a bit better.
Not to say that the last semester ultimately blew hard. Just, it had its rough patches. Mainly the guy issue and the school issue. I can work on school. But guys, well that's all up to fate, now isn't it?
I obviously haven't been posting frequently for that matter because I have been busy.
Maybe next semester will be different...
For your enjoyment.
I sit in my bathroom with no other place to go in my house. Ridiculous.
Here is the thing: Mother decided to purchase a new mattress. She didn't like it and returned it. Turns out that they took it back, and the next day her other new mattress comes in.
I don't understand why the transaction could not occur on the same day.
Nor why I must fall victim to not having a space to sit and waste my time before I attempt sleep.
As you probably guessed, she's off in my bed sleeping. I had to pull out the blow up mattress...which I sink right into. Accompanied by her lovely soothing snores that make me want to rip my ears out and stuff the holes with acid.
My dad is off in the living room on one of the couches, which is is directly connected to the kitchen and right in front of the patio, where the light shines brightly when turned on.
Fun stuff. I have a few more hours before I can have my reclaimed room until I go back to school.
I am on vacation.
I didn't do so hot in school, and my grades could have been better.
It's not that bad though. I managed an A, A-, and two B's. Still, I didn't really try in those classes until the second half of it, where my grade was taking a dive into the restricted area. I could have done better and should have. But I shouldn't try to beat myself up about it. I will take this and learn from it.
I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about life in general.
I've learned that there is a need to focus in school and socialize outside of it, but the true way to succeed is to balance everything.
The year started out slow, and in disaster, as my earlier entries have mentioned. The bike, the weight gain. Not having an established group of friends. I was pretty down and completely missing my friends from my home. [Which now are hardly to be seen, mainly because Bianca is off using one of her guy friends and doesn't love me anymore, but Ari is still there for me, like always].
Times came around and I managed a good few group of friends and was utterly bored with my classes. I didn't even bother reading or keeping up with the material. I was out having fun or doing nothing with my friends.
Exams came around which I hardly studied for. I was so bored and unmotivated and lacked any drive when it came to my seemingly retarded classes.
Boy was that dumb of me.
When it came to school and trying to have friends, I made having friends a top priority. I attended a group that helps out with sustainability on campus along with another group that specializes in campus entertainment and puts on shows for free. It was fine and everything, but I didn't really make the kind of friends that I wanted. I also went into it thinking that I would find a cute guy somewhere in the works.
Needless to say, UF got uglier, and I, more sad about that prospect.
But returning to where I was going, I grouped myself with trying to fit in everywhere and was the token outcast of every group.
I was the omnivore with the vegetarian/vegans
I was the one who liked alternative with the indie freaks
I was the one still dressing up as a skater girl (which I am now changing, I am tired of looking like a sixteen year old. Ugh. Thank you mom for the beginnings of an altered wardrobe to only increase in its fashion sense) amongst the overly/under-dressed
I was the communication major with the political science major
I was the politically indifferent/ignorant with the driven politically
I was the not-so-punk with the punked out crusties
I was the straight girl with the gay guys
It was pretty lame. I tried so hard to fit in.
But unlike many who do try, I didn't fail.
I did fit in. My overall being pushed me into those circles and they accepted me as well as any group would in an atmosphere like that. I was happy.
I became an almost socialite (at least in my head)
There were parties and people, but I only kept one thing in mind.
Guys.
Would there be guys? Would they be cute? Would they be straight (this one takes priority)?
Whatever my motivation was, I spent too much time trying to make it to the party than just buckling down and studying.
But I think I can get over that and over myself on this one. There is no point beating a dead horse.
I lived. I learned. I will carry through with what I have learned and put it into my future actions. Next!
I have learned that parties are fun, but in excess, either the parties themselves or the amount of any drug consumed, can make for chaotic often regretful situations or just lame individuals.
Ugh. I hate alcohol. I hate what it does to you.
I hate weed. I hate what it does to you.
I can be pretty sure that that has been a good reason to why, despite my advanced activity, I have not been putting off the pound pudge. I suppose that and midnight snacks with friends don't help any either.
I can be sure that half of the action I managed to get guy-wise was because of induced inebriation.
I hate how stupid you get. I hate how I become the joke at the party of gay guys (which I will now not go to as often, because that really seals the deal of 'not getting any' unless it's another drunk gay) and they provoke you in your drunken stupor to drink more.
So I'm done with it. Not completely of course, that would be hysterical. Two drinks MAX... ugh just remembering my stupid antics..
I remember going to Sal's 21st birthday and completely getting trashed. No one needs to deal with that.
I get out of hand without any stimulants/depressants. What am I thinking ingesting such things?
But with that out of the way, I also hate what weed does.
I did it once again, when I was drunk. Go figure.
But occasional use is fine. Especially in the cliche of experimental use in this stage of life. But the group of friends which I had seriously got attached to the substance.
It became a monthly thing.
Then every time we would get drunk.
Then about once a week.
Until it was every time that there was free time or they did something to amplify the sensation of awesomeness.
It got lame really quick.
I don't like it because I have had an instance of having a short term boyfriend replace me with his use of weed. He had to get high to see me. That was pretty lame. He was dumb. He was stupid. I hated that dick head. He is probably off in an alley doing crack and selling himself.
I hope he is.
I also don't see a point in using it. You just dumb yourself down or chill yourself out. It's pointless to me...
ANYWAY, back to the point. They ultimately dissected themselves from hanging out with us, and when they did see us, they were high.
They also got really grimey and I'm sure didn't bathe. Making needless trips to obtain random drugs and taking even harder stuff to feel good.
It's a shame, even more so because of their depression and low self-esteem they managed to completely alter their priorities for their next "fix" (if you will).
Things won't be the same. I know they won't. I'm okay with that though.
I've learned change just keeps happening. I shouldn't fight it, just go with it and make the best of what I can with what it gives me.
I know that was pretty lame, but it's different when you figure it out for yourself. Even if it is a constant discovery.
I have struggled with the notion that I really don't need a boy (or girl) to make me happy, and
that I should be focusing on myself.
I do, but I don't.
I want one. But not to marry.
I want one. But not to weigh me down.
I want one. Sometimes.
I just get lonely sometimes. The things that I want to do are often replaced with my friends finding other, closer individuals, who, because of proximity, personality or just the fact that I am the type of individuals who seems to be disposable, has someone else to do it with.
I guess its on me. I've been spoiled over the summer with Bianca always calling me and trying for my attention. But I realize that now I have to be the one that makes that effort. Otherwise I'm going to be alone for a lot longer than I want to be.
Of course, the preliminary notion is based on friends and activities with friends, but I wouldn't need to rely on friends so much if I had one constant, attractive, awesome, individual who was there consistently.
And hence, the ideal of the boyfriend comes in. And why I want one.
But with the drama. The frustration. The lack of attractive nature in this year's bunch. I know in essence I am better off withholding from obtaining one.
If I could.
I mean, I could. But it is the usual game of I like, they don't or they like, but I don't.
First of all. It's horribly frustrating. You end up led on with false impressions (fuck you Josh). Or some other random negative thing.
Besides. All the guys in this stage just want to hit it and quit it. Use, abuse, and lose it.
Which I can understand myself.
I've had many suitors come after me and I didn't fall through the cracks because I didn't think I should have settled. I still don't think I should settle. (I am after all, the entire package...hehe)
Not being able to obtain a guy with the same mentality that I have obviously makes it difficult.
I mean it also makes it difficult if a guy still has his v-card (WHICH SO MANY GUYS DO).
Besides. I'm going to law school out of this fucking state. There is no way in hell I would need to go through another heart breaking breakup
I have a lot going for me. I don't need a boy to slow me down...
I have struggled with my retched weight gain and am still trying to do something about it, but i'm still attractive. I shouldn't let that keep me down. I am awesome.
Yea. I feel like such a fatty. 130. The last time I weighed this much was in my freshman year of high school, five years ago. What happened? Who knows.
I am working on bettering myself. Cutting back on late night snacks. Less drinking. Running and swimming. Muscle building.
It took me six months to put on this weight. It will take me probably six to take it off.
I've done it before. I can do it again.
I just don't want to do it again.
It was subtle. But what really took me over was summer time. I let myself go. I will never take another four months off again. That is way too long.
I would have worked on it as I got into school, but with my breaking my arm preventing me from swimming and my increased drinking tendencies out of hand into the eventual eating at midnight then sleeping, it was not likely that I was going to lose any weight that way.
I'm working on it. That's what matters.
So how are things now
Good. I've spent the entirety of my short-lived break sleeeeeping and doing nothing.
Which is good. I don't care to go out much. I'm happy just playing video games and relaxing. I know once I get back to school I am going to go full steam ahead.
I managed an internship at the area's chamber of commerce and am super excited.
I have classes that actually interest me and cannot wait to indulge in their knowledge.
I hope things turn out different. I know they will, but I hope that this semester goes a bit better.
Not to say that the last semester ultimately blew hard. Just, it had its rough patches. Mainly the guy issue and the school issue. I can work on school. But guys, well that's all up to fate, now isn't it?
I obviously haven't been posting frequently for that matter because I have been busy.
Maybe next semester will be different...
For your enjoyment.
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