Even in my dreams, my hidden wants haunt me

I had a dream that I was talking to someone and they were discussing a crush that I have...you know like an inactive virus, it only surfaces when conditions are right...and that person liked me and he would pursue something if he wasn't in a relationship.

It felt nice in the dream, but in reality...I know that wouldn't happen.


I went to the river with my friends and it was pretty awesome. It was a beautiful day, and because it was easter, there was hardly anyone there. Out of town or in church, not us.

It was two couples and a friend, who has a boyfriend but isn't currently in the same county for his own personal reasons.

I had fun. I got intensely brown. It rocked my world. I was really happy that a group of my friends finally decided to do something outdoorsy, I knew it was going to be incredible. I wish that this would happen more often, maybe next time we could go to the coast?

The water was clear, the surroundings were impressive, we ended up going up again. At the second time around the river we ended up jumping off this tree. It was pretty awesome.

I did it twice. I about died the first time around. I'll never know how I managed to get up there without complication, my fingers tingle with just the thought of it.

I did enjoy it, but there were definite longings.

I longed for my awesome body I used to have. I still have six more months to get where I want, I guess my 'freshman fifteen' was going to hit at one point, and it just hit later on as I was finally adjusting to college with having friends. That I at least have hope that I might one day get back, I hope so anyway.

I longed for companionship. My friend pointed out to me later on how she could tell at times that I was a bit down on not having someone.

I hate being so transparent.

It's on and off at this point. I find it hard to have a legitimate attraction for someone. Looks are good, but if they lack interest (duh) and lack a personality (no bros, hos) then I'm probably not going to budge.

I'm too picky. I guess, but like I said before, I'm not going to force something upon myself.
Last thing I need is to settle.

Maybe I was meant to do good in this world through my career. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a family. Every notable historical figure that is looked up upon as a leader had to make a self sacrifice. Maybe this one is mine. To be alone for the rest of my life.

What a bittersweet lifetime.

For your enjoyment.