It's days like this I wish I was dead.

Would that be enough to Baker Act me?

Even then, they wouldn't have shit on me I suppose.

It's days off. It's the weekend. It's my fault for wanting a normal day of nothing.

I seriously just wanted one day off from the world. This is the second time I tried doing something like this.

I just think my mom and brother are out to get my mental health.
I just want to run away and never come back.

I'm tired of having to deal with self ritious behavior.
I'm tired of being called fat, even though I'm trying everything possible.
Im tired of my mom telling me all I do is eat.

God, fuck you.
I'm all about struggle, but I can't take this shit anymore.
I wish I had the balls to fucking kill myself sometimes.

For your enjoyment.

Pointeless endeavor

Facebook has a nasty way of encouraging people to things that they shouldn't be interested in.
Even if you sort of repulsed by them, the past makes you crave that naive, ignorant demeanor and wants you to go back to that state of mind.

I added this boy that I was, I guess you can say fuck buddies, with.
Why?
I guess it involved something of his sister coming around and asking me why I wasn't friends with him on facebook. We honestly didn't have anything substantial. Why should I care if I was friends with him or not.
So I did it, he accepted, apparently he viewed it the same way.

It's whatever. I don't miss him. He's honestly horribly skinny.
I hate people who have that ability.
I swim 400 meters, non stop - 1000 in total. Then lift weights and 20 mins of some sort of cardio after 3 times a week...and I'm technically on the border of being normal and overweight. I eat salads practically everyday when I'm not out with friends. I take care of myself.

My genetics simply hate me. I'm heart healthy, but damn. I just want to fit into a size 5 jean again.

I guess in the way my genetics hate mes, his hate him, because like I said, he's a friggin stick.

But I guess the point here isn't my vanity or my critique on others. It's that my apathy for wanting someone isn't apathy. I just haven't felt anything with anyone because I'm seriously not attracted to anyone in both the physical and personality aspect.

I guess I seem redundant, I guess that's an understatement, in mentioning this topic, but I don't even know why it's of great importance.

I don't even pain like I used to. I don't even put forth the importance on it like I've done before.
I guess it's just me growing up and realizing that I have to put myself first and if I have to share my time with someone else, I'll just morph back into a codependent idiot like some people.

I enjoy having my multiple groups of friends, and at the moment, they are what make me feel whole. I don't need some asshole to feed me bullshit lines and only wants to be with me to stick his 'd' in my 'p.' The whole relationship concept seems to me to be a romanticized farce.

It makes people feel like crap that they aren't good enough for the person that they want, and want only merely for their looks and their pleasant personality, and eventually their ideal of what that person is or could be. Ultimately people seem to settle for less than they deserve, is it because they feel that that's what is meant for them? Less than the best. Because they can't wait around for something better to come along?

Whatever the case is, all my life I've put everything on hold in order to obtain something greater. I pretty much put my social life on hold in senior year to get crap done, and even then I put my life on hold in high school for the greater good of my education.
I'm in school now in a place where I don't do as well socially because I'm here for education. That's always been my priority. Education and career. I don't care for my family and I'm slowly not caring about having a boyfriend/girlfriend.

More and more I just see it less necessary. I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty. I don't need someone to do romantic things for me. I don't need someone to love me. I guess in my search and desire for complete independence, I know that I'm worth people's time.

Obsession continues in one way or another.

I honestly just need a pet. Something to smother my attention and love with.
But too bad I have to wait another year.
Until then I guess I'll use my friends who have one as an excuse to come over.


For your enjoyment.

The summer is about to close

I have a hard time keeping up with writing in this thing
Or in my journal.

I feel like I don't document my emotions anymore because I don't care to hold on to the grudges, the wasted lustful, or loving emotions.

I just continue onto what's next.

That's pretty much what I've been doing this summer.
Chaos has erupted, as always.
But simpler things like friendship have persuaded me into enjoying the bits of home.

I feel like I've done so much. Even if others have traveled to different countries, interned in other states or stayed in the University for school, I can say I fully enjoyed my summer.

I've made new friends and strengthened the ones I knew already.
In order for this to happen, the link that held us all as a group was broken.
Sadly on her part, but after realization of her depressive, pushy ways, I wasn't about to go out of my way any more to hang out with her.
Her friends felt the same way. We close the gap and have been hanging out since.

I hung out with my ex and he brought a friend. I became his friend and he introduced me to more friends and got my best friend a replacement boyfriend. I just hope she doesn't forget about me.

All in all, that's my only concern at this point.

I don't want to be abandoned by my friends for potential lovers.
A treacherous thought, but incredibly possible.
Especially since I hang out with a bunch of guys.
How many guys do you know hang out with their "chick" (for lack of a better word, girl friend would only have made it more complicated in contexts) friends?
Not many.

It's incredibly disheartening. Especially when I've lived it in one specific case. My friend in my freshman year, early sophomore, we were inseparable. He found a girlfriend and I never hear from him.
I don't want to live a life of using up a friendship until they, or I (although doubtful) find a mate.

Is that what life is all about?

We are only destined to be with one other person.

That bores the hell out of me.

Even with having friends that are girls, on my part. It's the same process.

No matter what I do, if I try for love or try for friendship, I'm going to be alone.

What bullocks.



I want a pug.
My friend's mom breeds them. I have fallen in love with that dog. I seriously want a pug with that much spunk and love and enthusiasm for seeing me.

I guess if I had one it would absolve my fear of being alone, until it died, I suppose. Too bad I won't be able to have one for some time. Damn apartment.

I'm trying to get another job for while I'm in school. I only hope that it goes through. I've sent out my resume to about ten law firms, with probably typo'd out antics on the paper. But I just will have to wait for a response.

I guess in a week I'll fax them if they don't respond.
I wouldn't know where else to work. That's pretty much the bulk of my working experience, in an office. More than what most can say, but how I manage to get these jobs, I'll never know.


As usual, the boy realm is vast and empty.
Nothing really surprising there.

Well, not much more to add at the moment.

For your enjoyment

I miss school.

So things, as usual have gone down the shitter.

I hate home so much. Things were going okay, and of course I had to instigate a fight.

I haven't really had some down time. To myself and all that. And whenever I try for it my mom always has me escorting my older brother off to the doctor.

Leave me alone.

I don't know. I guess I've been a bitch.

Whatever.

I just want to be left alone for a few days.

For your entertainment.

Summer time. Ironically filled with so much lemonade.

The lemonade references was made because my brother has been having a lot of crap in his system. To flush it out, he needs lemon juice.
And lots of it.

Which is nice. I do tire of orange juice, especially when it was the only thing my parents...or for that matter have bought, in years to drink with our meals.

That too has changed, we've been eating healthier, mainly to maintain my brother's system. God, he's a fat wreck that no one knows why he's shaking. It sucks.

He's been pissing me off lately in that he doesn't do much around the house. The first week I came home I cleaned up the house and literally scrubbed my floors. I find some sick pleasure in cleaning.

He's just there, leech from my family and verbally attacking my mom and misplacing his anxiety and anger in her direction because he doesn't know, nor does he want to know his condition.
He is really acting like a reliant 13 year old, and i want to punch him in the liver, that's how bad it annoys me.

My younger brother has been a good apathetic sport about the situation. Since my older brother shakes, he pretty much refuses to drive anywhere, which gives me the brunt of the work, which is always awesome....ugh. But my younger brother, who for whatever reason was tossed aside when it came to teaching to drive, was, well, never taught to do so.
Him, being the mellow, go with the flow and if it were important someone would have nagged me about it, doesn't care to do it on his own.

So I drag him around everywhere. I buy him food. I just don't like doing things by myself. It's not that it aggravates me, but if I could have someone to do the dumb things with and make my day go a little faster, I will definitely take on that opportunity.

My mom has been stressed out. Over my older brother. She's pretty much babying the fuck out of him (something my older brother accuses my mom of doing to my younger brother, but obviously he lacks an ability to be self aware in his accusations). She has also been studying for a new job. She's been acing her exams. I think she's a better student than I am when it comes to studying. But it's only one subject, so I suppose her attention isn't divided up in multiple tasks and those sort of things. I'm pretty proud of her.

My dad is ...there.

I am, well, better.

I have an internship that preoccupies my time. I have friends here. My family occupies a good amount of my time and my issues that made me spiral in a horrible depression have eased out.
I knew it was a matter of waiting things out, but JEEZ, I was on the brink of destruction...as is the case around that time of year.

Home life has been pretty awesome. Mainly because my mom has been too distracted to be pissed off with anyone and I've been pretty complacent and not as bitchy. I haven't been talking her down...which is strange. My younger brother notices it, he told me today.

I just seriously feel like I'm smarter than her when it comes to how people functions. Granted, she has me on what to do in social affairs, but everything else I feel I have a better grasp on.

But I could just be on my high horse and just dismissing her...regardless things have been more peaceful.
She seriously needs a dog though.
She wants to do things and she expects me to do them with her.
She wants to go swimming, she wants me to wait for her to come home to do it. She ends up holding meback from doing more laps because of conversation.
She wants to go walking, something I don't feel like doing as much any more seeing as I would prefer to run and have yet to charge my music device out of sheer laziness.
But I'm glad things are going well between us. I ignore her for the most part in matters of the pool that I use not being as big...things like that are insignificant....
Mainly because I doubt she used to swim over 1000 yards every other day.

I've been compensating for my lack of physical exercise with doing weights and running on the treadmill.
I haven't gained any weight, but I'm sure that the steady 135 isn't going anywhere.... if I lose fat I gain muscle and vise versa....

Not talking to my mom about my weight makes life easier. I've learned to avoid talking to her about that matter.
No matter how fit my lower body is, as long as I'm not a size five....which I'm currently a six, I still need to lose weight.
I'm semi happy with where I am at the moment. I just want to work on my arms and abs.
Hopefully things will turn out better for my body.

As for the issues of boys.
I hung out with the boy before I left. He seemed interested.

But now that I'm home and he still going to school, there's really no communication.
I still think about him.
It's fun to have someone to fantasize about.
Even if he's probably seeing someone else.

But I think I'm just going to devote my time in my friends, family, books, learning Italian and preparing for the LSAT, which god help me please because it is going to be a doozy to say the least.

I'm alright. Not ecstatic, but I'm in a good place.
That's all I could really ask for at the moment.

For your enjoyment.

I'm pretty horny.

It's been about six months since I last had sex.

I'm not too happy with that realization.

I kind of just want to masturbate. But it never really substitutes for the hot, sweaty, passionate bodies thrusting against each other in a lustful embrace as the dramatized inhale and exhale of each person as they penetrate each other creates a sense of bliss and ecstasy.

Fuck.
I need to get laid.

I keep thinking naughty thoughts of him.

We met up the other day.
It was chill.
I keep wanting more. I let my mind wander sometimes, but I have to pull it back once I remember that this is nothing serious.

Deep.
Platonic.
Relationship.

Otherwise known as the friends zone and full of utter bullshit.

Damn. I'm never getting laid at this rate.

And yes, I know the hullabaloo of other people would probably whip it out in a second.
Ugh. Just ugh.

I'm just slowly not caring.

For your enjoyment.

What I never wanted.

How is it that I attract the people I don't want?

Is it my blatant disregard for them that make them pine for me?
Is it my flirty nature that intrigues them and makes them think that because I'm available, I'm interested.

Sorry to say. I'm not.
And I wish they would get the picture.

It makes me realize how much of a nuisance I can be at times. But I've tried to stay away from being like that.
I think this semester I've done a relatively good job at doing so.

But jumping the gun as always. I guess, like the motif in my life, staying single is inevitable.
Despite my looks, body, charm, and charisma.
Sometimes I wish I was a man.

I would go after someone I want and would smother them with affection.

But do I even want that now? I guess so, In the back of my head I tend to drift off with thoughts of this boy...but again, like everyone has been telling me. It's pointless. (I'm going to cease communication from him from now on. I think it would be better that way.)

But even if I talk trash behind their backs (very lady like), even if I ignore all advances and tell them that I have other things to do time after time.
Why do they persist?

Why don't others persist. Is it my punishment for something I did in a prior life? Or a constant karma kick for being semi-vile with these individuals.

I wish some things would sort themselves out.

For your enjoyment.