He was Gorgeous

Gorgeous.
Cute.
Amazing looking.
Hot (or Hawt)
Sexy.
Delicious.

Whatever.

I am probably one of the biggest victims that falls into this labeling category of the opposite sex. And probably one of the biggest enablers.

I'm shallow. My friends tell other people I'm shallow. It's a great deterrent, but not something that really helps to push friends into meeting another person, unless they themselves have a sense of self knowledge and are also shallow.

Frankly, I think I'm one of a few good portion of people who can get away with such traits and still be lovable (ahh, along with a pompous attitude, what else is there?)

Its just weird

I'm pretty attractive (if I do say so myself) but lately I've been victim of my surroundings.

I'm home for the summer from my massive, educated, and amazing college. In college I was wooed here and there by many suitors and just playful flirty banter by others. All was welcomed. Let me tell you I had no problem letting these individuals hand feed my ego. If I gained a few pounds, it was fine. There was still someone that wanted to bang my brains out.

My only problem was.

I didn't like them back.

There were a few I had interest in. I attempted relationships with. God that was just horrible. It was fragile and something massive destroyed the foundation of possibility, loneliness over came me and I came to my senses, or just the other individual gave up because I was trying to hard.

Fault needs not to be pinpointed.

I just don't know.

I hear of my Friend "Sal's" break up with "John." It's pretty harsh. John did her bad. They were in this friendship then relationship, then long distance relationship because Sal went away to study abroad, and they kept it up. John took me in under his wing and we hung out while she was away and I got closer to him as a friend. I saw him as an older brother as he introduced me to his friends and I made friends with his friends and experienced new things that I never thought I would (nor would I want to try again, another story for another time). I would often see him hanging around his ex and of course, I didn't have a clue that it was his ex, but they weren't doing anything according to him. If that's true or not, that is not for me to say and I'll just have to take his word for it. Regardless, they have been going on and off relationship wise. And I heard today they broke up.

Which is weird. They are really passionate people. And their personality types, He a hard core anti authority punker, and she a liberal, peace loving hippie, I don't know- They seemed to click. But I guess she did a lot of growing up, and he just wanted to go back to being single.

Which is the trend for a lot of guys in college...or at least my experience thus far. "Lewis" was the last guy I even bothered with emotionally. He was a hardcore hottie (in my book) and he was into me. But his indifference won him over as I tried to pull out every time what he really wanted. It was a hassle, and in the end, he was just a momma's boy that wasn't ready to commit to anything but listening to music, constant nerdy sessions of studying. "Jacob" was another luscious item on the man menu, but he opted out. I might have screwed that one up. I was kind of smothering... But I had just gotten out of a relationship and had no prior experience with dating. Sue me. "Ray" was someone who I just went with the motions. I ended up not wanting anything with it.

In the end I think it was a good thing that this summer that I managed to get a break from all the guy drama. But as things usually occur, I'm ready...But time has yet to catch up with my readiness.

I've been ready to start up with the whole flirting thing. Of course, I'm at a loss when it comes to finding a guy that there is an understanding of attraction.

The guys where my parents live...suck. They like the classic American girl.
I was speaking to my older brother as we were watching a sports show of his, and he mentioned how the blond reporter woman was "kind of cute." She was not at all cute. She was well maintained, clad nicely, but not attractive. Just another girl walking down the street (if you ask me).
It was at that point I looked at him and replied in an aggressive assertive tone, "That is not cute, pretty or hot. That is just the average typical girl that all guys go for. That is what I have to compete with." That is the type of girl guys around here are attracted to.

My roots trace back to the Mediterranean area, so I sport a nice tan, wavy brunette hair and rich brown eyes, and I guess to get more specific short and athletic. I have nice legs and a bubble butt.
Not what the typical guys go for.
At least not where I am now.
Which makes it difficult.

I now have to compete (while here) for the attention of guys that are chasing after blond, blue eyes, with tan skin, tall and for the most part lack an education.

Fuck my life.

The opposite (except the tan part) in every way.

I miss being the center of attention. Or at least the sideline of attention. I guess it doesn't help that these guys are just trying to get laid.

I went to a party. There were some good looking guys. All of them were not focused one me. They all zoomed in for the other chics. I don't know why that was. I know I had like two flirtations that night, but that's a low blow on my record. It could have been because I was drunk, but still. I've done better in worse conditions.

In the end one guy ended up without a date because one chic was a tease (who I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to be flirting with, that ho, haha)another guy ended up with a girl crying because she got out of a relationship with an ex and the same goes for another hot guy. Fuck them.

I did have a good time, but I was seriously stunned that none of them were interested in my beauty. It might sound egotistical, but I'm serious, I'm very unique looking...

Though there is this one individual who I AM CERTAIN had and INTENSE interest for me. BUUUUUUUT, he has a girlfriend. I would have gone after him, but I respect that situation. Plus, I've been in that situation where a couple has been together for a while and one had gathered an intense interest for me. I was hanging out at her apartment because I was friends with one of her roommates who had invited me over. He was pretty much following me around, in the end they fought at my expense.

It sucks to be in that position. If you find yourself doubting the person you are with, then just move on with other things. You don't have to settle. Which is why I can understand (now) why some guys don't want something permanently...

I mean, don't get me wrong. I like being single, but I would more than love to have someone to hug, hold, kiss, and be romantic with. I'm the type of person that actually yearns for that schmaltzy type of stuff to be honest. I really hate to admit it, but I really want to be close, passionate and emotional. At this point I really have a hard time that anyone my age can be like that.

I've been dabbling in the idea with the older crowd.
By dabbling I mean getting drunk with "Lucy" and "Ari" before a concert and hitting on "Lucy's" brother like a moron. He's 25ish. I don't know what his deal was, or how he felt about me (probably not interested...which would not be surprising given my location circumstances)but just the more I think about it I would like someone who is at least a few years of age on me.

I remember my first class of college in my first semester there was a fresh in grad school professor instructing us. I blatantly hit on him various time. He's the kicker- It was reciprocal! We never pursued... Don't know why... Pity. I did meet up with him the next semester and he was happy to see me. But had to attend a tutoring of a student, so it was short lived. Maybe I'll see him around.

Who knows.

I've been working in a professional area. I see all walks of men here. I see the older, the somewhat older, and the fresh out of college older... I like what I see. If there is anything after this in grad school, I have more incentive to be going there. The older ones are just...I really don't know how to describe it. Some are so well taken care of they still manage to retain their good looks, and with their professional wear, I feel like they are even more attractive. The clean look suits every man. I drool over the thought of it. I was helping the front desk out and this one witty British man had come up for an appointment and he was just scrumptious. I just wanted to eat him up. I'm pretty sure he felt the same, he made it evident to try to talk to me and waved bye to me, which many people (especially in the "high brow" place I work in) don't even bother doing.
Or even this summer associate that is working there. He is a bit pudgy (which I am normally against, with a passion) but has an incredible personality and is just amazing looking. I find that I give more leeway with people who have their lives together. I wonder why that is...it's probably the fact that they're similar in the sense of ambition and I can relate to that.
I saw him with another woman as I walked by his office. I'm pretty sure it was of some personal relationship. Good for him. He deserves someone...even though I want him for my self... as twisted as that probably is. Whatever, I suppose it's normal.

It's just that even if I do manage a personal relationship with someone older, I really wouldn't know how to handle something like that. I tried that with someone that was like a year older than me who was in school, had two jobs, had a massive truck, had pretty much a business ready for him to take over, was saving up for a house...and I freaked out. But it could have been that I didn't want a relationship at that point and felt sort of pressured by myself, my friend, and him to try to be into something. It could have been just him.

The thought of being with someone older sort of threatens me. I feel, in a sense, childish in comparison. I hate feeling like that. Granted, I'm pretty sure there are only a few people that prefer to be treated, seen, or even feeling like that...but with that individual, I felt so out of place. Like I should have been on his level, especially because he was only a year older than I was.

Maybe that's what the same aged crowd of men feel when they hang around me.

I've accomplished a lot in my life. From minute things to pretty big things, things that impress a lot of people. I guess that makes them feel inferior upon finding out. I'm not to sure about it. I just hope that things change once I go back to school. I do miss intimate moments.

This time around I won't jump at the first thing at grabs my attention, which I had...HAD a tendency to do. I've learned a lot thus far in my journey of life. Just have to continue playing the waiting game.

It worked for school.
It worked for a job twice.
It worked for social opportunities.

Maybe this time it will work in my favor again.



For your enjoyment.

7/24/09 Note: I am crushing so hard. It's sad to know that today is his last day. Oh well. At least you know what it feels like to want to persue again. :)