The spinster

This is my dog. Her name is Vanilla. I've had her for six months and she is eight months old. She is a beagle/hound mix. She might look like a lab, but I can assure you that the rest of her litter comes in all different colors and patterns and her mom did not have any lab features. She is a rescue and just like I rescued her, she has rescued me time and time again. She is the love of my life.

I've been pretty obsessive about my dog lately, seeing it as a sort of child. A friend even referred to me as a spinster, a type of woman passed her time to marry (or something along those lines).

In all honestly, it doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

Thinking about relationships, thinking about marriage, thinking about children - I can see why guys freak out about those types of things.

That shit is scary.

I was talking to a friend and she was mentioning that in less than a decade she was going to be thirty. It's scary to think in that time frame and in that perspective. My friend and I both are committed with our educational and career pursuits and having to sacrifice that with commitment to a man and let alone a child is a shocking ideal.

I don't want babies. I don't want a husband. I don't want to deal with that shit right now. Why was I so obsessed with it when I was younger?

It could be that I'm at a point in my life where I don't want commitment. It could be because I've sort have secluded myself due to all the down falls of this semester. But luckily, I'm taking those in stride. I just want everyone to look at me and be like "DAMN." I'll pompously admit that many are already like that, but I want those who hurt me to be regretful of what they lost.

And in conversation my mother and I laugh at those who have left and acknowledge that those who have left seriously will not find an individual like me. But at the same time, she worries about my spinster mentality and my borderline obsession with my pup.

I'm just trying to get my shit together in all honesty.

Since I've had the dog, I've been going running. I started finishing 2 miles. Then two became three. Then three to four. Then I managed to make the jump from four to six. Six miles - Without stopping.

That's 10k.

That's a half of a half marathon.

That's a quarter of an actual marathon.

I don't think you understand how awesome this is for me. I used to hate running when I was younger. But now I AM RUNNING SIX MILES WITHOUT STOPPING.

Granted, these six miles are at a slow pace, but I have plans to increase the speed. That's the plan for at least the first 5k. My friends signed me up for a 5k run and I don't want to end up trailing behind all of the experienced folk.

We'll see how that works out.

But as a result of running I've been toning up. In regard to weight loss, I've only been able to lose ten pounds. But I feel that my body is getting tighter, fitter, stronger.

I feel and look pretty epic in that regard.

I met up with a friend of mine the other day and she was in awe with how fit I looked since she last saw me. She had asked me how much weight I had lost. Sadly none, but the appearance of having lost weight is good enough for me.

Though shopping with my mother does frustrate me a little - she always picks out sizes that are too big that I used to fit into - almost deliberately denying that my physique has chanced, but what can you do. Some mothers will be the first to insult and the last to complement.

Speaking of mothers, and just family in general, mine is always in chaos.
Soon to be a technical independent, I've lived my college years practically on my own. The money given from me to my parents is essentially the money to help me out. I'm away from home and doing my own educational pursuits as opposed to other members in the family and have had a job since the age of 16...
I could go on.
I've been at home for winter break and it's been okay...

There are many issues that I have trouble dealing with at home

1. If you are investing so much money on keeping this house, why do you not maintain it? This place is disgustingly filthy.

2. Everyone in my family is so limited, mentally and in all other aspects, it's so frustrating to deal with.

3. My mom's women logic has eaten away at her actual logic and any discussion or argument based off pure emotion.

There was an altercation earlier this afternoon. I had to pry and get my two cents in about the argument she was having with my father and of course my moronic tendency to advise people what to do even though it's none of my damn business. She started getting upset. Started to defend herself. I told her fine, I just wanted to drop it because I knew that it was her tendency to bring in something unrelated and have it put the blame on me.

Which is exactly what happened.

But what can you do?

Except escape as soon as possible and hide away in my room to avoid them.

All I can think about at home is school, law school.

Applying and getting the recommendation are pretty easy, but I just have't had that inspiring moment I must document on my personal statement and demonstrate how I've grown from it. I have a million ideas, but none of them seem to be inspiring enough nor hold enough merit on their own to show my capacity to commit to the stress of a legal environment and such.

We'll just have to see.

...

This blog wouldn't be a blog if I didn't post something about boys.

I've been thinking a lot about guys lately. But it could be because I haven't had my fill of guy attention in a while. I am pretty tired of the whole seeking guy attention in club settings - but it is almost like a drug. It can also be because I'm not currently in school that makes me pine for the warmth of a strong arms wrapped around me.

I signed up for the online dating site again. It seems to be even bleaker with individuals than the last time I was on it. It could be because I am trying to appeal to an older crowd. Regardless, what was I thinking that that site would be any good for me?

It doesn't help that I'm pretty scared to actually reply to any of these individuals. Some of them seem really nice, but like in real life I don't want to lead anyone on and then have them see that the favors that they do for me give them incentive to pressure them to do things for me.

I need to stop relying on guys.

I have a tendency to be dependent on my guy friends.

It's just difficult, I'm in the college town without a vehicle and they have one...so why not help me out.

Ugh.

The whole plan is to wait until I break out of the current school I am in, go to law school and then find someone there. Hopefully settling down when I have a job and my having my own mode of transportation if needed.

I just want someone older. I'm not sure when this trend came about. I think it was the grad/law school guy that made me realize the caliber of guys I was potentially interested tended to be immature and I correlated their age (which was usually a month or two younger than mine) and assumed causation (logical flaw, but I have yet to see other factors involved that relate to the maturity level).

I have also been eyeing the older individual. Those men in business suits and sharp feature have been driving me up the wall.

There was even one individual in his 30s who was eyeing me when all of the girls went out. It was great - his attention was on me. He even managed to narrow me down - along with grabbing me and pulling him and holding me close to him.

I am such an attention whore.

And that's what he said.

Obviously not verbatim - but he said I was the kind of girl to play tricks and to lead guys along for the attention, but when it comes down to it, I don't put out.

I can't help it - sex without monogamy means nothing to me. I've learned from experience. I'll do everything but. I don't want to have a vulnerable emotional experience with a random stranger and then have them push me aside to have a drink. I am so much better than that.

Boys...what can you do..

My roommate is a bust, btw. I went for it again. We had a few drinks one night and I some how wound up in his room just hanging out. I forced him to cuddle me and forced him to kiss me. He stopped me.

I told him I liked him more than physically - bad idea. Drunken idea. Half truth.

LISTEN PEOPLE - I CAN'T HELP IT IF HE PROWLS THE AREA HALF NAKED WITH A SPECTACULAR BODY.

Either way - he sealed the deal for it not to happen again. He even goes to his room after drinking. Ugh. He's a lot for what I want in a guy, just emotionally unavailable.

The Slav - I'll never see him again. The last time we encountered he was pretty jubilant and flirty. We even exchanged numbers and everything. It was the night I had taken my LSAT and I had gone out for a few drinks; texted him like he told me too. He didn't reply until after last call. As if I don't know what he wanted.

And this wasn't the first time a foreigner tried to get with me in such a manner. He would probably be the fourth.

Two Aussies, a South African and now a Slav. The foreigners- they love me. I'm just not into the hit and quit tendencies of theirs.

Which is a shame - he was so fit and quirky and enjoyed politics...and was older. Noms.

Oh well.

In spite of everything and all the horrid blogs I've posted regarding the ex, we now have a solid friendship. We discussed our rights and wrongs and realized that we are two different people and in all honesty should have never been as long as we were in our relationship. But I don't think I could have been happier with our predicament. We are pretty good friends and I honestly don't want anything from him. Yes - I still think he is the lowest point in my dating history, but he's a good guy meant for someone else.

Who I do miss is the grad/law school individual. Just thinking about it, it is a shame that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I wouldn't have minded seeing him a few times every now and then, but the lack of communication killed everything.

I want to send him a message for coffee, but at the same time I fear his rejection, I mean I essentially dumped the guy twice.

Along with the rejection, I don't want to deal with the possibility that he might have found someone else.

But knowing me, I know I'll end up sending him a message asking him out to coffee or something.

Wish me luck on that pointless endeavor.

I just wish I didn't like HIM so much. The only reason why I know I like him is because after four years, I never really got him out of my head.

Damn him.

I'll try to keep the very few who read this updated. Until then.

For your enjoyment.

He was Gorgeous

Gorgeous.
Cute.
Amazing looking.
Hot (or Hawt)
Sexy.
Delicious.

Whatever.

I am probably one of the biggest victims that falls into this labeling category of the opposite sex. And probably one of the biggest enablers.

I'm shallow. My friends tell other people I'm shallow. It's a great deterrent, but not something that really helps to push friends into meeting another person, unless they themselves have a sense of self knowledge and are also shallow.

Frankly, I think I'm one of a few good portion of people who can get away with such traits and still be lovable (ahh, along with a pompous attitude, what else is there?)

Its just weird

I'm pretty attractive (if I do say so myself) but lately I've been victim of my surroundings.

I'm home for the summer from my massive, educated, and amazing college. In college I was wooed here and there by many suitors and just playful flirty banter by others. All was welcomed. Let me tell you I had no problem letting these individuals hand feed my ego. If I gained a few pounds, it was fine. There was still someone that wanted to bang my brains out.

My only problem was.

I didn't like them back.

There were a few I had interest in. I attempted relationships with. God that was just horrible. It was fragile and something massive destroyed the foundation of possibility, loneliness over came me and I came to my senses, or just the other individual gave up because I was trying to hard.

Fault needs not to be pinpointed.

I just don't know.

I hear of my Friend "Sal's" break up with "John." It's pretty harsh. John did her bad. They were in this friendship then relationship, then long distance relationship because Sal went away to study abroad, and they kept it up. John took me in under his wing and we hung out while she was away and I got closer to him as a friend. I saw him as an older brother as he introduced me to his friends and I made friends with his friends and experienced new things that I never thought I would (nor would I want to try again, another story for another time). I would often see him hanging around his ex and of course, I didn't have a clue that it was his ex, but they weren't doing anything according to him. If that's true or not, that is not for me to say and I'll just have to take his word for it. Regardless, they have been going on and off relationship wise. And I heard today they broke up.

Which is weird. They are really passionate people. And their personality types, He a hard core anti authority punker, and she a liberal, peace loving hippie, I don't know- They seemed to click. But I guess she did a lot of growing up, and he just wanted to go back to being single.

Which is the trend for a lot of guys in college...or at least my experience thus far. "Lewis" was the last guy I even bothered with emotionally. He was a hardcore hottie (in my book) and he was into me. But his indifference won him over as I tried to pull out every time what he really wanted. It was a hassle, and in the end, he was just a momma's boy that wasn't ready to commit to anything but listening to music, constant nerdy sessions of studying. "Jacob" was another luscious item on the man menu, but he opted out. I might have screwed that one up. I was kind of smothering... But I had just gotten out of a relationship and had no prior experience with dating. Sue me. "Ray" was someone who I just went with the motions. I ended up not wanting anything with it.

In the end I think it was a good thing that this summer that I managed to get a break from all the guy drama. But as things usually occur, I'm ready...But time has yet to catch up with my readiness.

I've been ready to start up with the whole flirting thing. Of course, I'm at a loss when it comes to finding a guy that there is an understanding of attraction.

The guys where my parents live...suck. They like the classic American girl.
I was speaking to my older brother as we were watching a sports show of his, and he mentioned how the blond reporter woman was "kind of cute." She was not at all cute. She was well maintained, clad nicely, but not attractive. Just another girl walking down the street (if you ask me).
It was at that point I looked at him and replied in an aggressive assertive tone, "That is not cute, pretty or hot. That is just the average typical girl that all guys go for. That is what I have to compete with." That is the type of girl guys around here are attracted to.

My roots trace back to the Mediterranean area, so I sport a nice tan, wavy brunette hair and rich brown eyes, and I guess to get more specific short and athletic. I have nice legs and a bubble butt.
Not what the typical guys go for.
At least not where I am now.
Which makes it difficult.

I now have to compete (while here) for the attention of guys that are chasing after blond, blue eyes, with tan skin, tall and for the most part lack an education.

Fuck my life.

The opposite (except the tan part) in every way.

I miss being the center of attention. Or at least the sideline of attention. I guess it doesn't help that these guys are just trying to get laid.

I went to a party. There were some good looking guys. All of them were not focused one me. They all zoomed in for the other chics. I don't know why that was. I know I had like two flirtations that night, but that's a low blow on my record. It could have been because I was drunk, but still. I've done better in worse conditions.

In the end one guy ended up without a date because one chic was a tease (who I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to be flirting with, that ho, haha)another guy ended up with a girl crying because she got out of a relationship with an ex and the same goes for another hot guy. Fuck them.

I did have a good time, but I was seriously stunned that none of them were interested in my beauty. It might sound egotistical, but I'm serious, I'm very unique looking...

Though there is this one individual who I AM CERTAIN had and INTENSE interest for me. BUUUUUUUT, he has a girlfriend. I would have gone after him, but I respect that situation. Plus, I've been in that situation where a couple has been together for a while and one had gathered an intense interest for me. I was hanging out at her apartment because I was friends with one of her roommates who had invited me over. He was pretty much following me around, in the end they fought at my expense.

It sucks to be in that position. If you find yourself doubting the person you are with, then just move on with other things. You don't have to settle. Which is why I can understand (now) why some guys don't want something permanently...

I mean, don't get me wrong. I like being single, but I would more than love to have someone to hug, hold, kiss, and be romantic with. I'm the type of person that actually yearns for that schmaltzy type of stuff to be honest. I really hate to admit it, but I really want to be close, passionate and emotional. At this point I really have a hard time that anyone my age can be like that.

I've been dabbling in the idea with the older crowd.
By dabbling I mean getting drunk with "Lucy" and "Ari" before a concert and hitting on "Lucy's" brother like a moron. He's 25ish. I don't know what his deal was, or how he felt about me (probably not interested...which would not be surprising given my location circumstances)but just the more I think about it I would like someone who is at least a few years of age on me.

I remember my first class of college in my first semester there was a fresh in grad school professor instructing us. I blatantly hit on him various time. He's the kicker- It was reciprocal! We never pursued... Don't know why... Pity. I did meet up with him the next semester and he was happy to see me. But had to attend a tutoring of a student, so it was short lived. Maybe I'll see him around.

Who knows.

I've been working in a professional area. I see all walks of men here. I see the older, the somewhat older, and the fresh out of college older... I like what I see. If there is anything after this in grad school, I have more incentive to be going there. The older ones are just...I really don't know how to describe it. Some are so well taken care of they still manage to retain their good looks, and with their professional wear, I feel like they are even more attractive. The clean look suits every man. I drool over the thought of it. I was helping the front desk out and this one witty British man had come up for an appointment and he was just scrumptious. I just wanted to eat him up. I'm pretty sure he felt the same, he made it evident to try to talk to me and waved bye to me, which many people (especially in the "high brow" place I work in) don't even bother doing.
Or even this summer associate that is working there. He is a bit pudgy (which I am normally against, with a passion) but has an incredible personality and is just amazing looking. I find that I give more leeway with people who have their lives together. I wonder why that is...it's probably the fact that they're similar in the sense of ambition and I can relate to that.
I saw him with another woman as I walked by his office. I'm pretty sure it was of some personal relationship. Good for him. He deserves someone...even though I want him for my self... as twisted as that probably is. Whatever, I suppose it's normal.

It's just that even if I do manage a personal relationship with someone older, I really wouldn't know how to handle something like that. I tried that with someone that was like a year older than me who was in school, had two jobs, had a massive truck, had pretty much a business ready for him to take over, was saving up for a house...and I freaked out. But it could have been that I didn't want a relationship at that point and felt sort of pressured by myself, my friend, and him to try to be into something. It could have been just him.

The thought of being with someone older sort of threatens me. I feel, in a sense, childish in comparison. I hate feeling like that. Granted, I'm pretty sure there are only a few people that prefer to be treated, seen, or even feeling like that...but with that individual, I felt so out of place. Like I should have been on his level, especially because he was only a year older than I was.

Maybe that's what the same aged crowd of men feel when they hang around me.

I've accomplished a lot in my life. From minute things to pretty big things, things that impress a lot of people. I guess that makes them feel inferior upon finding out. I'm not to sure about it. I just hope that things change once I go back to school. I do miss intimate moments.

This time around I won't jump at the first thing at grabs my attention, which I had...HAD a tendency to do. I've learned a lot thus far in my journey of life. Just have to continue playing the waiting game.

It worked for school.
It worked for a job twice.
It worked for social opportunities.

Maybe this time it will work in my favor again.



For your enjoyment.

7/24/09 Note: I am crushing so hard. It's sad to know that today is his last day. Oh well. At least you know what it feels like to want to persue again. :)