The spinster

This is my dog. Her name is Vanilla. I've had her for six months and she is eight months old. She is a beagle/hound mix. She might look like a lab, but I can assure you that the rest of her litter comes in all different colors and patterns and her mom did not have any lab features. She is a rescue and just like I rescued her, she has rescued me time and time again. She is the love of my life.

I've been pretty obsessive about my dog lately, seeing it as a sort of child. A friend even referred to me as a spinster, a type of woman passed her time to marry (or something along those lines).

In all honestly, it doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

Thinking about relationships, thinking about marriage, thinking about children - I can see why guys freak out about those types of things.

That shit is scary.

I was talking to a friend and she was mentioning that in less than a decade she was going to be thirty. It's scary to think in that time frame and in that perspective. My friend and I both are committed with our educational and career pursuits and having to sacrifice that with commitment to a man and let alone a child is a shocking ideal.

I don't want babies. I don't want a husband. I don't want to deal with that shit right now. Why was I so obsessed with it when I was younger?

It could be that I'm at a point in my life where I don't want commitment. It could be because I've sort have secluded myself due to all the down falls of this semester. But luckily, I'm taking those in stride. I just want everyone to look at me and be like "DAMN." I'll pompously admit that many are already like that, but I want those who hurt me to be regretful of what they lost.

And in conversation my mother and I laugh at those who have left and acknowledge that those who have left seriously will not find an individual like me. But at the same time, she worries about my spinster mentality and my borderline obsession with my pup.

I'm just trying to get my shit together in all honesty.

Since I've had the dog, I've been going running. I started finishing 2 miles. Then two became three. Then three to four. Then I managed to make the jump from four to six. Six miles - Without stopping.

That's 10k.

That's a half of a half marathon.

That's a quarter of an actual marathon.

I don't think you understand how awesome this is for me. I used to hate running when I was younger. But now I AM RUNNING SIX MILES WITHOUT STOPPING.

Granted, these six miles are at a slow pace, but I have plans to increase the speed. That's the plan for at least the first 5k. My friends signed me up for a 5k run and I don't want to end up trailing behind all of the experienced folk.

We'll see how that works out.

But as a result of running I've been toning up. In regard to weight loss, I've only been able to lose ten pounds. But I feel that my body is getting tighter, fitter, stronger.

I feel and look pretty epic in that regard.

I met up with a friend of mine the other day and she was in awe with how fit I looked since she last saw me. She had asked me how much weight I had lost. Sadly none, but the appearance of having lost weight is good enough for me.

Though shopping with my mother does frustrate me a little - she always picks out sizes that are too big that I used to fit into - almost deliberately denying that my physique has chanced, but what can you do. Some mothers will be the first to insult and the last to complement.

Speaking of mothers, and just family in general, mine is always in chaos.
Soon to be a technical independent, I've lived my college years practically on my own. The money given from me to my parents is essentially the money to help me out. I'm away from home and doing my own educational pursuits as opposed to other members in the family and have had a job since the age of 16...
I could go on.
I've been at home for winter break and it's been okay...

There are many issues that I have trouble dealing with at home

1. If you are investing so much money on keeping this house, why do you not maintain it? This place is disgustingly filthy.

2. Everyone in my family is so limited, mentally and in all other aspects, it's so frustrating to deal with.

3. My mom's women logic has eaten away at her actual logic and any discussion or argument based off pure emotion.

There was an altercation earlier this afternoon. I had to pry and get my two cents in about the argument she was having with my father and of course my moronic tendency to advise people what to do even though it's none of my damn business. She started getting upset. Started to defend herself. I told her fine, I just wanted to drop it because I knew that it was her tendency to bring in something unrelated and have it put the blame on me.

Which is exactly what happened.

But what can you do?

Except escape as soon as possible and hide away in my room to avoid them.

All I can think about at home is school, law school.

Applying and getting the recommendation are pretty easy, but I just have't had that inspiring moment I must document on my personal statement and demonstrate how I've grown from it. I have a million ideas, but none of them seem to be inspiring enough nor hold enough merit on their own to show my capacity to commit to the stress of a legal environment and such.

We'll just have to see.

...

This blog wouldn't be a blog if I didn't post something about boys.

I've been thinking a lot about guys lately. But it could be because I haven't had my fill of guy attention in a while. I am pretty tired of the whole seeking guy attention in club settings - but it is almost like a drug. It can also be because I'm not currently in school that makes me pine for the warmth of a strong arms wrapped around me.

I signed up for the online dating site again. It seems to be even bleaker with individuals than the last time I was on it. It could be because I am trying to appeal to an older crowd. Regardless, what was I thinking that that site would be any good for me?

It doesn't help that I'm pretty scared to actually reply to any of these individuals. Some of them seem really nice, but like in real life I don't want to lead anyone on and then have them see that the favors that they do for me give them incentive to pressure them to do things for me.

I need to stop relying on guys.

I have a tendency to be dependent on my guy friends.

It's just difficult, I'm in the college town without a vehicle and they have one...so why not help me out.

Ugh.

The whole plan is to wait until I break out of the current school I am in, go to law school and then find someone there. Hopefully settling down when I have a job and my having my own mode of transportation if needed.

I just want someone older. I'm not sure when this trend came about. I think it was the grad/law school guy that made me realize the caliber of guys I was potentially interested tended to be immature and I correlated their age (which was usually a month or two younger than mine) and assumed causation (logical flaw, but I have yet to see other factors involved that relate to the maturity level).

I have also been eyeing the older individual. Those men in business suits and sharp feature have been driving me up the wall.

There was even one individual in his 30s who was eyeing me when all of the girls went out. It was great - his attention was on me. He even managed to narrow me down - along with grabbing me and pulling him and holding me close to him.

I am such an attention whore.

And that's what he said.

Obviously not verbatim - but he said I was the kind of girl to play tricks and to lead guys along for the attention, but when it comes down to it, I don't put out.

I can't help it - sex without monogamy means nothing to me. I've learned from experience. I'll do everything but. I don't want to have a vulnerable emotional experience with a random stranger and then have them push me aside to have a drink. I am so much better than that.

Boys...what can you do..

My roommate is a bust, btw. I went for it again. We had a few drinks one night and I some how wound up in his room just hanging out. I forced him to cuddle me and forced him to kiss me. He stopped me.

I told him I liked him more than physically - bad idea. Drunken idea. Half truth.

LISTEN PEOPLE - I CAN'T HELP IT IF HE PROWLS THE AREA HALF NAKED WITH A SPECTACULAR BODY.

Either way - he sealed the deal for it not to happen again. He even goes to his room after drinking. Ugh. He's a lot for what I want in a guy, just emotionally unavailable.

The Slav - I'll never see him again. The last time we encountered he was pretty jubilant and flirty. We even exchanged numbers and everything. It was the night I had taken my LSAT and I had gone out for a few drinks; texted him like he told me too. He didn't reply until after last call. As if I don't know what he wanted.

And this wasn't the first time a foreigner tried to get with me in such a manner. He would probably be the fourth.

Two Aussies, a South African and now a Slav. The foreigners- they love me. I'm just not into the hit and quit tendencies of theirs.

Which is a shame - he was so fit and quirky and enjoyed politics...and was older. Noms.

Oh well.

In spite of everything and all the horrid blogs I've posted regarding the ex, we now have a solid friendship. We discussed our rights and wrongs and realized that we are two different people and in all honesty should have never been as long as we were in our relationship. But I don't think I could have been happier with our predicament. We are pretty good friends and I honestly don't want anything from him. Yes - I still think he is the lowest point in my dating history, but he's a good guy meant for someone else.

Who I do miss is the grad/law school individual. Just thinking about it, it is a shame that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I wouldn't have minded seeing him a few times every now and then, but the lack of communication killed everything.

I want to send him a message for coffee, but at the same time I fear his rejection, I mean I essentially dumped the guy twice.

Along with the rejection, I don't want to deal with the possibility that he might have found someone else.

But knowing me, I know I'll end up sending him a message asking him out to coffee or something.

Wish me luck on that pointless endeavor.

I just wish I didn't like HIM so much. The only reason why I know I like him is because after four years, I never really got him out of my head.

Damn him.

I'll try to keep the very few who read this updated. Until then.

For your enjoyment.