Death By Nagging - an explanation of sorts

Four months being home.

Yea, I thought it was going to be fun.
Fuck me for being so naive.

Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed all of the social experiences, the new friends I've made, the friendships I've secured even more and the shows I have gone to. But all in all the one major thing I can say that has tarnished my summer experience would be my mother.

First off, it was probably not in my best interest to go as soon as possible. But I had friends aching to been seen so I decided to go home early. Not realizing the opportunities I was missing out on until too late. I left the same day I had my last exam.

Moving was a bitch.
Fuck me for thinking my family was going to be cooperative.

And that's pretty much when things started to go down hill, for whatever reason.

There were massive arguments with me and my mom. I wasn't really happy about leaving. I had finally gotten a good bunch of friends, I was stressed, and she decided to be a bitch. I guess my demeanor wasn't really helping, but what can I say? I had to pack and study. I was running on minimal sleep.

It was just back and forth with us, and my Older brother pretty much had enough. She was pretty much talking shit about me. How I've changed.

I really hate it when people say that. "How they have changed"
Really?
Did you expect time and circumstance to stay the same even though there are outside variables that give a person more experience, more perspective and more opportunity to grow and handle things themselves. Why do you expect a person to stay the same?
I've been getting this shit all summer. You've changed, I don't know who you are! You never keep in touch! You disconnect from the family!

No, the only person I can't stand is her (and you'll see why in a few). My older brother talks to me and my younger brother talks to me just fine. Everyone cannot stand her. It seems pretty unanimous.

I think the thing that gets to her is the fact that she has no real control over me. That and the fact that when she does try to pull some 'mothering' I really don't care to abide by it unless its something simple. There was a good period of time that she would ask me twenty questions before I went somewhere. It was aggravating to deal with it. Especially since I'm just used to walking out the door without a hassle. Especially since before, it would just be where and who. Not, where and who, for how long, how have you met them, what is your status with them? What the hell, stay out of my personal life!

And that's the thing, she doesn't have a personal life, so I suppose she must feel the need to fill the void by living through mine. I'm her daughter, and yet I can eerily compare myself to those children who have to go through the beauty pageants...because their fat, untalented, ugly mothers didn't have that ability when they were younger.

So what does she do to fill the void? She goes through my personal belongings while I'm away. I'm always out of the house, I can't stand being there, especially when my mother is here. It just makes it easier for her to rummage.

I think she's just looking for a reason to fight. Looking for a reason to take someone down. At one point, after coming home at 3 in the morning with friends, perfectly sober (I come home drunk/tipsy earlier...you would think the other way around, hehe) she was in my room, pacing back and forth repeating the same thing over and over again. I was trying to ignore and get some sleep. She's fucking mental and needs medication...



So here is pretty much the rundown of what she thinks of me.

She thinks I do drugs. Which anyone will know that after inhaling one puff of whatever John was having at that party and completely freaking the fuck out and being high for like hours without end, I'm never doing that shit again.

She thinks I'm having sex with the entire neighborhood.
I have no fucking idea where she comes up with these elaborate plots. She seriously needs medication. I've only slept with three guys in my life. Now, I don't think that sounds slutty, or sleazy, but if someone else feels the need to correct me, by all means.
I know I have somewhere that I've slept over people's houses. I have done that. I'm not really too proud of that, and even though there was no sex involved, it was still a 'walk of shame' once I left. I think the fact that I didn't put out was good. The fact that I slept over, does kind of sound sleazy though, and the way I wrote in my PRIVATE JOURNAL, and i mean, with paper and pen and everything [this is ONE of the TWO reasons why I have a blog, why my name isn't on here, and why the names are altered, because if she knew, she would have a field day] makes it seem like I might have given in. We had several arguments about this.
Her argument is that I'm pretty. Yea, well everyone thinks their children happen to be the bee's knees when it comes in the looks department. But I haven't had any luck scoring with the guys (or girls for that matter). Not here, and not in school. So there really isn't much to worry about.

She also has gotten a hold of my facebook. She traded my brother the password for his facebook for the access to the household computer. She's been using his facebook to look at mine. She's been using his facebook to look at my stuff. I realized this when she started to obsess about facebook and my statuses.
It's not the fact that I care that she's is looking at my facebook, people i know less can see my facebook stuff. It's the matter that she went behind my back, like a stalker and is looking at my things. If someone was peeing into your window to watch you, you would pretty much find that creepy. But if you let them in the door, and keep your door open in a house with people that you know and for the most part don't care to show what you are doing, then you really don't care who sees you. At least that's how I view it. I deleted my brother, and she ended up confronting me about it.
To say the least, she was pissed. She was screaming at me and saying things like i was friend's with Bianca's mom on facebook. I told her she should get a facebook and then she could see the things everyone else is instead of sneaking around like a weird obsessive person.

She didn't talk to me for a good week.


More than anything. She has been hassling me about my weight.

I'll be honest. I'm 125. Ten pounds over what I minimally want to be. I've gained weight being at home because my brother and my dad grocery shop for JUNK FOOD. Even when I bought my own food IT WAS CONSUMED so there went a good portion of my money, and my plan was pretty much worthless. So I have been consuming the slop that they make (because GOD knows they can't cook for crap) and it's come to a point where I am fed up with tomato rice and pasta with either beef or chicken. There has to be more to life than just simpleton meals. (it makes me ache for the Krishna Lunch)
Every time, we get into it, she uses my weight as a way of getting back at me.
When she's pissed, she'll say i've gained weight. When I tell her I weigh the same as I did when I was in junior year of high school, she'll look at me and say that's impossible because I'm massive now. Every time I tell her that I've run a mile or biked in the south Florida heat for two hours and immediately after swam for a forty minutes, she tells me I shouldn't worry about those types of excersise and should focus more on doing sit ups and crunches so I can work the fat of my gut.

I've been pretty much overweight since the age of 8. That's when her cruel torture began.

At the age of 16 I was developing an eating disorder. At the age of 17 she was content with the fact that I was bordering 109 lbs. All I had to eat throughout the day was an apple and some popcorn for lunch. Maybe a snack. Maybe breakfast. Tiny portions of dinner. When I moved out (18), I had gained five lbs, more than anything in muscle because I was finally eating (mainly because Krishna lunch had cured the disorder, i like to think)

I know I need to lose weight now, but I really don't think it's as bad as she portrays it. I would swim in a semi Olympic sized pool three times a week when i was in school. That's a lot of cardio to make up for. Here i have probably what is an eighth of that to work with. Not only that, but I had control of what I was eating there. I didn't have a full time job. I didn't have a class with that full time job.

I'm working on it. The worst I managed to get this summer was 130 when i was starting up school and work. But managed to get it down to 125. Now my class is done with, so I'm hoping to at least shed another five.

I think what sucks most is that on a girl, muscle looks pretty bad. I bet some guys would love my ability to gain muscle. I have NO problem gaining muscle. But I don't look too good when I'm bulky.

Her and her menopause just amplifies everything. If I end up like that, I'm risking cancer and doing hormone treatment.

I hope things just work out.

With my mom. With my weight. With a lot of things.

For your enjoyment.