The spinster

This is my dog. Her name is Vanilla. I've had her for six months and she is eight months old. She is a beagle/hound mix. She might look like a lab, but I can assure you that the rest of her litter comes in all different colors and patterns and her mom did not have any lab features. She is a rescue and just like I rescued her, she has rescued me time and time again. She is the love of my life.

I've been pretty obsessive about my dog lately, seeing it as a sort of child. A friend even referred to me as a spinster, a type of woman passed her time to marry (or something along those lines).

In all honestly, it doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

Thinking about relationships, thinking about marriage, thinking about children - I can see why guys freak out about those types of things.

That shit is scary.

I was talking to a friend and she was mentioning that in less than a decade she was going to be thirty. It's scary to think in that time frame and in that perspective. My friend and I both are committed with our educational and career pursuits and having to sacrifice that with commitment to a man and let alone a child is a shocking ideal.

I don't want babies. I don't want a husband. I don't want to deal with that shit right now. Why was I so obsessed with it when I was younger?

It could be that I'm at a point in my life where I don't want commitment. It could be because I've sort have secluded myself due to all the down falls of this semester. But luckily, I'm taking those in stride. I just want everyone to look at me and be like "DAMN." I'll pompously admit that many are already like that, but I want those who hurt me to be regretful of what they lost.

And in conversation my mother and I laugh at those who have left and acknowledge that those who have left seriously will not find an individual like me. But at the same time, she worries about my spinster mentality and my borderline obsession with my pup.

I'm just trying to get my shit together in all honesty.

Since I've had the dog, I've been going running. I started finishing 2 miles. Then two became three. Then three to four. Then I managed to make the jump from four to six. Six miles - Without stopping.

That's 10k.

That's a half of a half marathon.

That's a quarter of an actual marathon.

I don't think you understand how awesome this is for me. I used to hate running when I was younger. But now I AM RUNNING SIX MILES WITHOUT STOPPING.

Granted, these six miles are at a slow pace, but I have plans to increase the speed. That's the plan for at least the first 5k. My friends signed me up for a 5k run and I don't want to end up trailing behind all of the experienced folk.

We'll see how that works out.

But as a result of running I've been toning up. In regard to weight loss, I've only been able to lose ten pounds. But I feel that my body is getting tighter, fitter, stronger.

I feel and look pretty epic in that regard.

I met up with a friend of mine the other day and she was in awe with how fit I looked since she last saw me. She had asked me how much weight I had lost. Sadly none, but the appearance of having lost weight is good enough for me.

Though shopping with my mother does frustrate me a little - she always picks out sizes that are too big that I used to fit into - almost deliberately denying that my physique has chanced, but what can you do. Some mothers will be the first to insult and the last to complement.

Speaking of mothers, and just family in general, mine is always in chaos.
Soon to be a technical independent, I've lived my college years practically on my own. The money given from me to my parents is essentially the money to help me out. I'm away from home and doing my own educational pursuits as opposed to other members in the family and have had a job since the age of 16...
I could go on.
I've been at home for winter break and it's been okay...

There are many issues that I have trouble dealing with at home

1. If you are investing so much money on keeping this house, why do you not maintain it? This place is disgustingly filthy.

2. Everyone in my family is so limited, mentally and in all other aspects, it's so frustrating to deal with.

3. My mom's women logic has eaten away at her actual logic and any discussion or argument based off pure emotion.

There was an altercation earlier this afternoon. I had to pry and get my two cents in about the argument she was having with my father and of course my moronic tendency to advise people what to do even though it's none of my damn business. She started getting upset. Started to defend herself. I told her fine, I just wanted to drop it because I knew that it was her tendency to bring in something unrelated and have it put the blame on me.

Which is exactly what happened.

But what can you do?

Except escape as soon as possible and hide away in my room to avoid them.

All I can think about at home is school, law school.

Applying and getting the recommendation are pretty easy, but I just have't had that inspiring moment I must document on my personal statement and demonstrate how I've grown from it. I have a million ideas, but none of them seem to be inspiring enough nor hold enough merit on their own to show my capacity to commit to the stress of a legal environment and such.

We'll just have to see.

...

This blog wouldn't be a blog if I didn't post something about boys.

I've been thinking a lot about guys lately. But it could be because I haven't had my fill of guy attention in a while. I am pretty tired of the whole seeking guy attention in club settings - but it is almost like a drug. It can also be because I'm not currently in school that makes me pine for the warmth of a strong arms wrapped around me.

I signed up for the online dating site again. It seems to be even bleaker with individuals than the last time I was on it. It could be because I am trying to appeal to an older crowd. Regardless, what was I thinking that that site would be any good for me?

It doesn't help that I'm pretty scared to actually reply to any of these individuals. Some of them seem really nice, but like in real life I don't want to lead anyone on and then have them see that the favors that they do for me give them incentive to pressure them to do things for me.

I need to stop relying on guys.

I have a tendency to be dependent on my guy friends.

It's just difficult, I'm in the college town without a vehicle and they have one...so why not help me out.

Ugh.

The whole plan is to wait until I break out of the current school I am in, go to law school and then find someone there. Hopefully settling down when I have a job and my having my own mode of transportation if needed.

I just want someone older. I'm not sure when this trend came about. I think it was the grad/law school guy that made me realize the caliber of guys I was potentially interested tended to be immature and I correlated their age (which was usually a month or two younger than mine) and assumed causation (logical flaw, but I have yet to see other factors involved that relate to the maturity level).

I have also been eyeing the older individual. Those men in business suits and sharp feature have been driving me up the wall.

There was even one individual in his 30s who was eyeing me when all of the girls went out. It was great - his attention was on me. He even managed to narrow me down - along with grabbing me and pulling him and holding me close to him.

I am such an attention whore.

And that's what he said.

Obviously not verbatim - but he said I was the kind of girl to play tricks and to lead guys along for the attention, but when it comes down to it, I don't put out.

I can't help it - sex without monogamy means nothing to me. I've learned from experience. I'll do everything but. I don't want to have a vulnerable emotional experience with a random stranger and then have them push me aside to have a drink. I am so much better than that.

Boys...what can you do..

My roommate is a bust, btw. I went for it again. We had a few drinks one night and I some how wound up in his room just hanging out. I forced him to cuddle me and forced him to kiss me. He stopped me.

I told him I liked him more than physically - bad idea. Drunken idea. Half truth.

LISTEN PEOPLE - I CAN'T HELP IT IF HE PROWLS THE AREA HALF NAKED WITH A SPECTACULAR BODY.

Either way - he sealed the deal for it not to happen again. He even goes to his room after drinking. Ugh. He's a lot for what I want in a guy, just emotionally unavailable.

The Slav - I'll never see him again. The last time we encountered he was pretty jubilant and flirty. We even exchanged numbers and everything. It was the night I had taken my LSAT and I had gone out for a few drinks; texted him like he told me too. He didn't reply until after last call. As if I don't know what he wanted.

And this wasn't the first time a foreigner tried to get with me in such a manner. He would probably be the fourth.

Two Aussies, a South African and now a Slav. The foreigners- they love me. I'm just not into the hit and quit tendencies of theirs.

Which is a shame - he was so fit and quirky and enjoyed politics...and was older. Noms.

Oh well.

In spite of everything and all the horrid blogs I've posted regarding the ex, we now have a solid friendship. We discussed our rights and wrongs and realized that we are two different people and in all honesty should have never been as long as we were in our relationship. But I don't think I could have been happier with our predicament. We are pretty good friends and I honestly don't want anything from him. Yes - I still think he is the lowest point in my dating history, but he's a good guy meant for someone else.

Who I do miss is the grad/law school individual. Just thinking about it, it is a shame that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I wouldn't have minded seeing him a few times every now and then, but the lack of communication killed everything.

I want to send him a message for coffee, but at the same time I fear his rejection, I mean I essentially dumped the guy twice.

Along with the rejection, I don't want to deal with the possibility that he might have found someone else.

But knowing me, I know I'll end up sending him a message asking him out to coffee or something.

Wish me luck on that pointless endeavor.

I just wish I didn't like HIM so much. The only reason why I know I like him is because after four years, I never really got him out of my head.

Damn him.

I'll try to keep the very few who read this updated. Until then.

For your enjoyment.

Saturday night

I just want to go out and dance.

But I know my obligation as a student should be to study, because I took Thursday and Friday as my days off.

I'm thinking about calling my friend I went with on Thursday...but I don't want him to think too much into it.

I just want a low key night to watch a movie, that's it.

For your enjoyment.

Worst Hangover Ever

That song just keeps popping up in my head.

Because I feel like death.

Let me start from the beginning.

A friend had offered me a hypothetical night get away. Seeing as class was not going to occur the next day I took it upon myself to go over and proclaim the spontaneous trip and arrange to see his hometown and how it varied from this place.

After his friend informed us that arrangements to his couch would not be available, my friend called up his parents and after a few moments of lecturing, they agreed to have us there to stay the night.

Two hours in the car we were talking. Politics, bureaucratic issues, life, relationships, family, tolerance - meaningful topics.

His parents lived about half an hour away from the city. Their house was beautiful. It was in a country part of the county and the leaves, the colors, being surrounded by nothing but nature - I was in awe.

We talked to his parents. Then we got ready for a night on the town.

We got in for free.

We got drinks for free

and that was the problem.

I am a light weight and am so prone to peer pressure under these conditions.

The night started out fun.

I was getting progressively drunker.

I made out with my friend

I groped his friend

Then I was shit faced.

Then I had to throw up.

And I did.
It was gross.

He took care of me.

I ended up in bed with him.

We cuddled.

It was nice.

One because it was cold, two because I love being held.

At some point in the night I returned to the other room, but woke up and was freezing- I came back.

We rode home. making fun of each other. The entire time he would jokingly empathize 'Do you want a hug' and would try to advance, but in all honesty I didn't want one.

I don't want anything serious with him. The fact that I hang out with guys all the time is making me ill. I need more chic friends, but they always have some sort of constraints going on.

He's been contacting me a lot lately. I don't know. I just want a friend. I just want to be friends with him. We've had a skewed past, but thought I got over it. My over confident ways are appealing to him and maybe I should tone it down.

Either way I felt like I was dying. I'm so sick of alcohol. There was a party that I was planning on going to, but I think I just might stop by and say hi. I can't afford another night of drinking and then trying to recover.

I need to get my school shit in order.

For your enjoyment

Manic Cynocism

Currently in class and I could not be any less interested in the topic.
Something about staring at graphs and how people think is not really the most interesting.
Then again, what do I expect from a class called "Political Behavior"

Regardless, I feel like my life has been a manic depressive mess. But it's more like a week to week trend then it is day to day or for that matter hour by hour...

The ex now has another ex to add to his belt. I don't think I could be happier about that.
My friend had told me about the expiration of his relationship and I could not have been more jovial about the notification. I feel pretty sick and sadistic about feeling so good about the prospect, but I felt offended that he jumped into a relationship. I would often lurk on his facebook and see the word "love" exchanged with both of them and was not too particularly fond.

I was furious - only because it had not even been a legitimate amount of time and they were being so cutesy.
I didn't care that it wasn't me. No, I passed that point the week after the boy broke up with me and went on a drunken spree making out with boys in da club (yes, DA).
But I'm just glad that it was a rebound.
Overjoyed, actually.
More than anything, I was upset because he had found someone before I did.

But now, I just hope he's kicking himself and missing me.

Especially with my now fitter bod. Huzzah.

...

Yesterday I went rock climbing, speaking of being fit.
I am inspired to continue this trend and talked to everyone
Even my guy roommate.

Our dynamic recently has been weird. I should take it as face value, but I can't help but realize that we're flirting EVEN MORE now. Smiling at each other. Just being even friendlier.

He took me to a softball game and the entire time we were flirting around.
It's driving me crazy.
I didn't think I could want him more.
In all honesty, it is a love hate situation.
I'm loving the attention the flirting.
I know how much I expressed flirting.
Ugh, when he smiles. I melt.
I love it
I hate it.

So, I talked to him about rock climbing and how excited I was about the notion. He seemed to reciprocate the enthusiasm and said we should go, frequently.
Which is amazing on many levels.
1. It allows amazing bonding, flirting, sexual tension time
2. Awesome work out at the same time
3. FINALLY SOMEONE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ACTIVE WITH ME

We'll see how that goes. If it goes.

I hope it does.

My friend says my only chance is to get him drunk again.
Though true, I'm not sure he'll fall for that again.
Even though it was never my intention to get him drunk and have a fondle fest

but I know I should be worrying about other things

....

School is something I need to take more as a priority.
I've been trying, but now that I'm single and ready to mingle, if you will, most of my time has been spent socializing.
Not that it's a bad thing, but I have to get on the ball with my graduate aps and the ever deciding exam.

I'm trying, but we'll see how it works out.
Sigh, I'll be sure to keep you updated.

For your enjoyment.

Must have been the alcohol

The Slav situation never panned out.
We had lunch again and I was introduced to more individuals, but I think my fantasy optimism got the best of me and I got carried away with the notion that I can have anyone.
The fact that this Thursday happened really shows how amazing I look.

I know I know, the last thing anyone wants to read about (not that I have many followers) is about self gloating and substantial amounts of a conceited nature from this individual, but I think it's about time for some confidence in this blog.

Though it fails that my confidence is somewhat reliant on the ability to track men. I guess it's my lack of a father figure with the combination of being overweight my entire childhood facilitates my need for "manly" (ha) attention... But I regress

Thursday in the afternoon I asked my guy roommate to hang out later that night. I didn't want to go out and honestly just wanted to watch a movie with him. He seemed content on accompanying me later on in the evening.
So after dog sitting for my friend and upon his completion of a school assignment we had gone out and rented a movie.
I had had a few ciders before, figuring that since there was no school on Friday due to homecoming, drinking was welcome, I even encouraged him to go obtain some alcohol for himself.

The ride there I we were talking, as we often did regarding what we want in our lives. It has been a while since I've reached out and done the whole self-deprecation spiel. But I was in a bad spot. It has not been a successful year guy wise. But then again, do I really want to commit to something that might change in less than a year?
I mentioned to him something about how men aren't interested in a gal like me. That guys just want the blonde, tall, skinny, air head with big breasts and not the curvy, short, brunette with olive skin. He told me that I shouldn't sell myself short.

Upon arriving back to the house, we drank and talked. Talked for hours. Talked through the movie (which I watched today in a sober state).
I was giggling. Delighted with life and just jubilant. It was a nice state of mind. I kept sitting closer and closer. I kept talking to him and would slightly touch his leg. He leaned in. I leaned in. I put my head on his shoulder.

In a slight moment of clarity I asked if he was okay. The last thing I want is to be pushing my boundaries with someone who is just going with the motions.
He said it was alright. It was nice to have someone rest their head on his shoulder. It had been a while, according to him.

The movie ended, I of course, confused since I had not watched any of it. We got up and I'm not sure what led to it, but he had said (his exact words) : "The things I would do to you if you were not my roommate"

I don't think I've heard something scream TOUCH ME as loud as that.
I went in for the kill, of course, I was the one that ended up hurt in the end - but in the make out session he wanted more.

So we explored the nature of anatomy.

He would not stop complementing me.
I don't think I've ever been so flattered in my life.
He was telling me whatever I was doing was working
Just the very nature of my body seemed incredibly attractive for him.

More than anything, it's nice to get positive feedback. I know it's vain, but after the break up I've been trying to work on my physique. I've been running, biking and swimming and it's nice to know that the triathlete approves.

He wanted me to deflower him.
If I didn't already mention, the boy was is a virgin.

As much as I played around with the notion of others to take advantage of him, I knew that someone like him, a definite sentimental hopeless romantic, was not looking for an easy lay. His other head was talking and it would just complicate things.

It was fun. But I guess the realization of his actions hit him hard.
He told me that his background, the baggage that he drags with him, about how his conservative upbringing and religious past linger in the back of his mind and he feels guilt.

There are various ways I feel about this notion.
Confused, because sadly enough I don't have the ability to empathize. Not to sound like a cold bitch, but my scrupulous nature isn't ascribed to a religious sense (not that it's a bad thing...nor am I condemning or condoning, I just am apathetically respectful, I guess you can say).
Also perplexed because why live a life of regret? Things happen, accept. Move on and base your next decisions of your previous ones.
Upset, it was something that I thought I wanted. Something consistent with a good guy with minimal feelings. He was the one even advocating it and was telling me, "this is not going to be anything serious." Which, in our exchanges, he knew it was something I could relate with. "It will be consistent, with not much to it, like you wanted." he claimed.

Things have lightened up and both of us are acting like it never happened. My mind still goes back to it. Touching the outline of his body and grabbing onto his soft hair. Kissing his soft lips (and remembering him exclaiming, "you are an amazing kisser!"...I am always a fan of that remark)

In the back of my mind, I'm pretty upset.
I really liked him, aside from all of the sexual tension, I liked him. He was a sweet, nice boy.
But we really are not compatible.
The dead give away is his mama's boy tendency.
I learned from the last ex to stay away from people like that.

In all honesty, I don't want anything serious until I can establish my own financial ability so that way I don't hold resentment or expectation of them to provide for me. I want my own access to transportation so that way I don't have to rely on them and end up like the last relationship I was in, stuck together for reasons other than love or what have you.

I went out the next night with some semi attractive friends and flirted with them.
It seemed to help.

I just need a way out of this environment. Here's hoping things end up for the better.

For your enjoyment.

Damn those foreigners

Not that I care if they take 'our jobs,' because I don't
Actually, this has nothing to do with the influx of minorities within the U.S. and the assumed consequences that follow as a result of having immigrants within the country.

This is more about how

I

Fall

Hard

for an exchange student.
Always.

Or so the trend has been.

My latest encounter and my version of God sending me a friggin bone (at least for eye candy) was today during lunch. I encountered a friend and announced the excitement that was finishing the first draft of my personal statement. I had some time to kill so I decided to sit.
Some random individual in the group invited some guy to come over and sit.

His face was punch in the gut attractive.
His body was slap in the face fit.
His eyes were pull my hair out big and blue.

One of my flaws, I'm pretty obvious when I'm attracted to an individual. It's pretty easy to pick up on it.
Another one of my flaws, I believe that I deserve that amazingly attractive model looking man.
I've been spoiled with the few that have shown attraction to me. Now, whether it's my confidence or I am legitimately attractive (or an amazing combination of both) I'll never know.

The only men I've been managing to get are those in bars or in some inebriated state, which is fun, but FLIRTING.
Oh man, flirting is just a thrilling experience.
I know pheromones are involved, but how about endorphins?

We talked in the circle. He was Slavik. He seemed interested.

The problem was some other man was trying to get my attention.
The problem was some other girl was trying to get his attention.

I wasn't going to fight. Not there. Not then.
If I'm wanted, they'll go for it. I'm done with deal with bitch men.
After the boyfriend, after the fling, after the party failure - no more chasing on my part.

The girl left momentarily and we began to chat again. He was interested.
I asked his name.
He mentioned it and gave me a European kiss on each cheek greeting.
I'm sure I was blushing.

Some oaf did the same thing to me after the Slav had done it.
My blushing face went from red to wan in an instant.
He wasn't slick. Poor guy, I just wasn't interested in him.

The girl returned and I decided it was my cue to leave.
Luckily he frequents the lunch area as much as I do.

We'll see what happens. But for now, he'll remain an unfulfilled daydream just like everyone else.

For your enjoyment.

And so the single life begins

Since the break up, I was mingling around with an old fling.

I was having fun. I mean, a lot of fun. But the guy is in Grad school...and law school...and has a job. So his priorities are school (x2), work, homework, being fit and such.

To a certain degree I can relate. I was not going to gie him a lot of crap about not being able to follow me down or giving me the time of day. But I tired of chasing him down and having it seem one-sided.

I'm not one for chasing. Just teasing, as I'm sure I emphasized.

So I broke off the only good thing I had going, not that it was really all the good (the situation, everything else was pretty sweet.)

I had another expectation that many had driven into my head. It was just some shmuck who I made out with at a party. It was a while ago, but it was pretty intense.

The boy has had a lot of family issues go on, so I was not going to give him guff about not keeping up with chasing me down.

We encountered again at his birthday/going away/ halloween party.
We got to talk. Then again met up as we went to the bathroom. We gave each other a good look at each other...sort of walked passed each other and then I pulled him into the bathroom.
He told me to meet up with him in his room.
I did.

Things escalated. He wanted to go in for the home run. I told him after the party was over.
We met up throughout the party and made out a few times

I thought I had a sure thing.
This would be my first attempt at a mutual one night stand, no strings attached type of deal.
Just to see if I could handle it.

He and some girl disappeared as the party was ending. I walked inside (since the party was outside) and there, two bodies stumbling around each other.

He closed the door.

I didn't know what to do. I was infuriated. Not that I had him in my hands. Not that he was my boyfriend. But I was sure as hell not going to be anyone's sloppy seconds.

I walked in.
I went up to his face as his mouth was still attached to some subpar wench
I exclaimed, "fuck your shit."
I left the party.

I'm still bummed out about the entire process. But in all honesty, I'm glad it nothing happened.

I've never been the type to sleep around.
I guess this mental induction's was fate telling me not to stray from my ways.
A constant reminder to focus on school and not getting laid.

I cannot be more grateful for his mistake.
But at the same time, I cannot be more bummed out that this pattern of singledom is a constant failure and my beauty is just a waste of matter.

I just want to be appreciated, but I'm in the wrong environment asking from the wrong people who don't even understand half of the things I do and cannot empathize with half of the things I've been through.

I know I'm just asking for too much.

My latest obsession is my roommate, a guy, just to clarify.
He's sweet.
Fit.
Caring.

But a virgin.
Which wouldn't be such a bummer if he knew how to convey emotion.
But I should take the fact that he's not attempting anything with me as a sign that it's not going to work out, nor should I keep in mind that it will.

But not knowing for certain keeps me day dreaming.
Something I wish my mind would stray away from since it can only create unrealistic expectations and heartache from the denial of those expectations.

For your enjoyment.